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Sesame Street Introduces New Introverted Character, Solomo

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introvert_muppet_01Sesame Street is set to unveil its new introverted character, Solomo. “We thought it was time to address the large number of kids who prefer to spend time alone reading or playing by themselves rather than seeking companionship with other kids,” said a Sesame Street spokespuppet.

Solomo will encourage introverted children by:

  • Showing the joys of being alone on a deserted rundown city street in a dimly lit neighborhood.
  • Encouraging them to be kind and considerate to their imaginary friends.
  • Explaining how to say in a nice way to extroverted Sesame Street characters, “I don’t want to open up.”
  • Teaching basic math skills like counting the minutes until they’ll be alone.
  • Giving other helpful advice to extroverted Sesame Street characters like: “Yes Kermit, it’s not easy being green, but it’s also not easy listening to a frog croak non-stop about it,”

In addition to being the first introverted character, Solomo will also be the first Muppet to shut his bedroom door so the camera doesn’t invade his privacy.

The Introverted Life of Lt. Kojak

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telly-savalas-twinjector-respectDetective Lieutenant Theo Kojak is one of television’s classic crime show figures. But did you know Telly Savalas, who originated the character, at first envisioned his gregarious alter ego Kojak as an intense introvert?

According to Savalas’ notes to the show’s producers, Telly wanted his character to work from home. From the quiet solitude of his den, he imagined Kojak observing crimes committed outside his apartment. He would then pick up the phone and notify his crack squad of detectives.

Chase scenes would include Kojak barking commands from his 4th-story window: “There he is! He ducked into the alley! Get him!”

Telly suggested Kojak could interrogate suspects via a special intercom in his kitchen. From there he could persuade them to confess before he tired of tedious browbeating.

Savalas’ introvert Kojak had no use for small talk. Instead of “Who loves ya, baby?” Telly preferred, “Given everyone you know, who do you think has a greater affection for you?”

He believed Kojak should have an occasional love interest. Telly thought the women should be young, beautiful, and “respectful of my space.”

At the end of each episode after a crime was solved, an emotionally drained Kojak would disconnect his phone, sit back in his easy chair, and do the New York Times crossword puzzle.

The show’s producers never agreed to Savalas’ requests, although it should be noted throughout the show’s run Kojak always lived by himself and never stayed long at parties.

Dealing with Networking Difficulties

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fish-handshake_0Networking for introverts is like listening thoughtfully for extroverts. It can be torture with a touch of agony.

Sometimes, however, you have to put yourself out there if you want to move your career ahead — or prevent it from going in reverse. Meeting new people is a big part of that process, even if means meeting guys named Hal from San Mateo.

You probably will never master Hal’s smooth hello or even Kathy from Atlanta’s almost sincere “I’d love to talk more about it with you.” But there are some easy-to-learn techniques that can help you survive over aggressive handshakes from sales reps and mind numbing small talk with anyone named Jennifer in marketing.

  1. Set realistic goals. Don’t overwhelm yourself with an ambitious agenda. For your first networking event, write down your objectives, then congratulate yourself. For your second networking event, plan to actually attend. You’re really making progress now!
  2. Always smile. This is not an easy if your normal facial expression resembles someone being strapped into an electric chair. It may take time to retrain your cheek muscles. In the meantime, simply insert a Popsicle stick in your mouth and bite down. You’ll look insanely happy and will be promoted in no time.
  3. Check your body language. Standing straight and making eye contact is good. Banging your head against a wall while saying, “I can’t do this” is not so good.
  4. Ask a lot of questions. It’s important to appear engaged. Your questions don’t have to be about anything relevant to the occasion. For example: How many paid Pagan holidays does your company have? Does your service have a guarantee against meteor attacks?
  5. Talk about yourself. Let people get to know you. How long have you worked for your company without a promotion? Are they planning to offshore your job? Why is your name tag written in Esperanto?
  6. Talk to someone who is alone. Chances are he or she will welcome anyone who will listen to their endless diatribe about negative market trends in Peoria. At the very least, you can practice pretending you’re paying attention. And if it’s another introvert you can both recharge by staring at each other’s shoes in awkward silence.
  7. Follow up. Call one person you met at the networking event within a week. If the conversation becomes uncomfortable, claim to be your identical twin sister who has some jealously issues. Apologize and promise to get some help.

Confessions of an Introverted Santa

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Santa_introvert_03bThe first time a kid sat on my lap, all I could think was “I need a cigarette.” – and I don’t smoke.

I know I scare children. I try to connect with them but they don’t see the real me.

It’s not that I’m unfriendly. It’s not easy for me to smile or make eye contact.  Why can’t they understand that? If they took the time and got to know me, rather than running in tears to their parents, they’d realize I’m a decent Santa.

I’ve never been a ho ho kind of Kris Kringle. I’m jolly in my own cerebral way. Kids never pick up on that. That shtick worked for Mort Sahl. Why can’t it work for me?

This is not an easy job. The small talk is brutal: “Have you been good girl this year?” “What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?” What I really want to ask is: “Are you adopted?” Do you have ADD?” “Is you’re mother divorced?” “Is she dating?”

The youngsters that I don’t scare off talk to me like I’m their friend, but they don’t really know me. To them I’m a jolly old man from the North Pole. There’s so much more to me than that.

Yes, it’s nice to bring joy to their lives, but it would be also nice to have an intelligent conversation about child labor exploitation in Bangladesh.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a total pessimist. I still believe in the miracle of Christmas and the goodness of man. And I believe that one day an adorable little child will jump up on my lap and say, “Santa, I get you.”

Feeling Comfortable in Your Introvert Skin

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comfortable_in_skin_01bAre you happy being an introvert? You’ve probably thought about this a couple or thousand times. “Am I content or do I subconsciously resent the fact that I don’t have 10,000 Facebook friends?”

Answering the following questions might help clarify things:

  • Is is okay when people who are uneasy with your silence say, “Speak if you can hear me” – particularly EMTs?
  • Do you enjoy playing one-on-none basketball?
  • While standing by yourself at parties, do you have any problem with people mistaking you for a coat tree?
  • Are you oblivious to the fact your job title is “That Woman Who Sits by the Copy Machine”?
  • While engaging in foreplay, are you comfortable asking to be alone for a few minutes?
  • Do you eagerly anticipate having an intelligent conversation with yourself?
  • Is it reassuring to know your dog is the one creature to whom you can relate?
  • Do you enjoy staying at home alone on a Friday night, reading a book about a person who is miserable staying home alone on a Friday night?
  • Is pretending to listen to your boss relaxing?
  • Do you enjoy playing host when your family arrives for an intervention?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, congratulations. Your insecurities don’t need to be taken in a scooch. Your skin fits just fine.

I’ve Got to Stop Meeting Like This

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living_alone_03bIntroverts need a certain amount of alone time – for example, to recover after Cindy in sales punishes you for 120 minutes with her vacation plans to Disney World.

There is a point, however, where solitude becomes isolation. Here are some signs you need to get out more:

  • You’re inflatable doll says she wants to start seeing other people.
  • You recently became a Home Shopping Club Platinum Lifetime Member.
  • You’re on a first name basis with each of your toes.
  • Your one hermit friend says you’re starting to freak him out.
  • You ran out of deodorant in 1982.
  • You’ve been trying to find a doctor who performs home colonoscopies.
  • You’ve started replacing words with grunts.
  • Even the Jehovah’s Witnesses have stopped knocking on your door.
  • You’re binge-watching Vintage Weather Reports on Netflix.
  • Your boyfriend, with whom you’ve only communicated via Skype, is starting to wonder if you’re computer generated.

Sextroverting can be a Multisyllabic Turn On

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texting-1024x682Just because introverts are small-talk averse doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy a little sensual messaging. Keep your key-play intense and complex. Use the following chart to take your touch taps to smoldering heights.

Popular sexting phrase Sextroverting translation
What are you wearing? I respond very well to visual stimuli, particularly when it comes to women’s couture. I’d be curious to know if you are sporting anything intended to arouse the male species.
I was thinking about you in the shower today. An interesting thing happened while I was bathing this morning. Normally, I’m thinking about things pertaining to Paleolithic civilization but this time your name came up.
I think your lips are really sensuous. Not to detract from other parts of your anatomy, but I’d venture to say your lips, especially the bottom one, are your strongest features.
Want to see my “50 Shades of Grey”? I have a proposition for you. How do you feel about shades of grey and how many do you think you could tolerate viewing during an evening?
I want to take you to a place called orgasmland Are you familiar with a township known as Orgasmland? I’m quite certain you won’t find it on Google Maps.
Your bulge is driving me mad. It’s really a strange phenomenon that even I have a hard to processing, but I’m quite overwhelmed by your growing expression of affection for me.
I dreamed about you last night; you were mostly naked in it. The previous evening I had a dream. I’m almost certain you were in it and you weren’t wearing anything. Either that or you were wearing one of those funny body suits that give the impression of nakedness. If that were the case, I still found it very arousing.
I want to be naughty with you in the office. I have a lot of work to do, but I can clear some time during the afternoon after my 3:00 p.m. meeting for sex in the copier room.
I’d love to ride you. I have to confess, we may be moving towards interspecies fantasies because I have a strong urge to mount you.
I want to feel your strong grip on me. I have no objections to your light caresses. I even desire them on a regular basis. But I wouldn’t object to a more authoritative clasp.

Debutante Ball Presents Introverted Women to Extroverted Society

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Daughters of the world’s crème de la reticent presented themselves reluctantly to high society at a glittering Debutante Ball in New York City. The college-aged women from some of America’s most prestigious alternative colleges spent the evening avoiding the well-heeled scions of the country’s elite families.

Here is a partial list of this year’s introvert debutante coterie.

 debutante_01 Felicity Searing Saltonstall is entering her 12th year and 32nd major at Hampshire College where she is currently studying the label on a maple syrup bottle. She is active in Habitat for Hummus and is vice president and sole member of her book discussion group.

She is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Dwight Pepper Saltonstall. Pending final hormone treatments, her mother is the former Frank Peabody.
 debutante_03 Doris Drysdale Flotsam has been homeschooled by four step mothers. She is currently working on her doctoral thesis, “The Effects of Watching Soap Operas Non Stop While Being Home Schooled.” She plans to study abroad next year in her neighbor’s attic.

She is the daughter of Mr. Fenwick Dillinger Flotsam and either Mrs. Judith Epstein Bordon or a hitchhiker who claimed to be Patty Hearst’s sister.
 debutante_05 Blanche DuNot Disturb is sophomore at Antioch College where she studies ornithology and majors in Mynah birds. Her hobbies include speaking French to herself and shopping online. She also volunteers as a Big Sister to a young teenager whom Blanche emails regularly.

She is the daughter of Mr. Lance Darryl Disturb, her mother the former Linda Truluck Pettibone.
 7578163004_dd03ce18f2_o Missy Elizabeth Monigue is a senior at Goddard College where she majors in interplanetary relations. She has made dean’s list four consecutive years without leaving her dorm room. In her spare time she likes to sing three-part harmony with the voices in her head.

She is the daughter of the late Mr. and Mrs. Holcomb Bedford Monigue, her mother the former Grizabella de Sade.
 debutante_04 Nora Rayford Doodlehauf is a junior at Bennington College where she majors in journaling and minors in alienation. She spent last summer teaching an isolated Amazon tribe how to be even more isolated.

Nora enjoys writing 1000-word Post-it notes reminding people to be more considerate and waiting until her roommate leaves for the weekend so she can breathe.

She is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Sheldon Hatfield Doodlehauf III, her mother the former Margo Zinnia Rampick.
 Young-depressed-woman-on--008 Evelyn Dodge Bullet is a senior at Bryn Mawr College where she expects to eventually choose a major.

Evelyn enjoys the outdoors and has avoided eye contact with over 300 species of birds.

She has worked as a proof reader, a telesales clerk, and a Mossad agent.

She is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Alden Magner Bullet, her mother the former Tallulah Bank Job.

Variety is the Spice of Strife – Jump Start Your Introvert / Extrovert Love Life

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sex_spice_up_01How do you re-kindle the magic that made you ignore your obvious introvert / extrovert differences? Here are some suggestions.

  • Surprise your extrovert with a new sexual position where you’re both in the same room.
  • Go to an introvert swapping party, don’t mingle, and leave after five minutes.
  • Greet your extrovert at the door wearing nothing but your inner thoughts.
  • Be more affectionate with your introvert. Don’t say, “Why aren’t you talking?” Say, “You really turn me on when you’re uncommunicative.”
  • Go to an extrovert swapping party, stay all night and then invite everyone for breakfast and STD tests.
  • Dress up your introvert as an unapproachable French maid.
  • Beg your introvert to go to a party and then surprise her with a group of hunky loners.
  • Talk dirty nonstop to your extrovert. This will turn him on and avoid unbearable silence.
  • Ask your extrovert if the voices in your head can watch.
  • Tease your extrovert by suggesting an intimate evening and then invite her best friends over for some foreplay.

Extroverted Like Me

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extrovert_man_01What is it like to be an extrovert; to live each day with an insatiable need for social interaction; to speak before completing your thoughts; and to feel comfortable with large groups of people regardless of their taste in music?

I am an introvert and want to find out.

I must first prepare for my experiment. I need to learn how extroverts think and what they feel. I’m sitting near the hostess stand at an Olive Garden restaurant, observing them smiling, making eye contact, and greeting each other warmly. Some even talk to strangers, using phrases like, “Hi there,” “Have you eaten here before?” and “You can’t beat the Never Ending Pasta Bowl!”

The day finally comes for me to assume my identity as an extrovert. I wake early, shower, and choose my wardrobe. For the first time in years I do not dress in black. For the first time in years I will leave my beret at home.

As is my normal routine, I eat breakfast while watching “BBC News: Bulgaria.” I finish my tea and turn the TV off. My pulse quickens. Slowly I stand up and prepare to leave the comfort and security of my 800 square foot sanctuary and head into the extrovert world.

Two hours later I reach the outside of my apartment. I lock the door and turn around. Running directly at me is a UPS deliveryman winding up to heave a package on my front step. I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing: “Hey, how ya doin? Thanks so much, buddy! Have a great day!”

I stagger back into my apartment. It was worse than I thought.