Tag: comedy

Getting a Leg Up on Your Legacy

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Years from now when a descendant searches for his or her ancestors using one of those DNA kits and my name pops up, will I do them proud?

Perhaps it’s time for me to get my legacy in order. The question is how?

  • Should I launch an expedition in search of a long, lost continent, or hike to the nearest neighborhood with an outstanding coffee shop?
  • Maybe it’s time I cancel my upcoming appearance on “Hoarders.”
  • It might also be the time to finally unfriend Geraldo Rivera on Facebook.
  • Should I burn every unflattering picture of myself, or should I Photoshop them with six pack abs?
  • It couldn’t hurt adding more death-defying feats to my dating profile.
  • And while I’m at it, it may be time to take down my GoFundMe site for world peace and a new modular sofa.
  • It might also be time to talk to my lawyer about divorcing some of my wives.
  • And finally, should I stop entering hot dog eating contests just to get a free meal?

Even if I did all of this, my future distant relatives may still think, “Meh, ‘being cited for exemplary personal hygiene’ is nice, but I was really hoping for a president or a pirate.”

I’ll stick with the free modular sofa.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Never Accept Defeet

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Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for submitting your most recent invention. Very impressive. However, we do not anticipate a growing market for self-tapping shoes at this time.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
A pair of two left loafers for awkward people with two left feet is an intriguing idea, but we are going to pass on it.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Though stylish as they may be, the U.S. Army Procurement Department is not quite sold on your design for open toed combat boots.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
In regards to your beeping saddle shoes for walking backwards. We wish you every personal success with that.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for allowing Ace Inventions to consider your idea for formalwear moccasins. At this time, however, we respectfully decline your offer.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
We like your idea for liverwurst arch supports. A little more tweaking and you may have something! Stay in touch.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

My Totally Uninformed Take on Actual Celebrity News Headlines

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  • “Lori Loughlin Asks for Passport Back Following College Admissions Scandal Prison Sentence” – Then it’s straight to International House of Pancakes.
  • “Jennifer Lopez Admits She and Alex Rodriguez Went to Therapy Amid COVID-19 Pandemic” – “…and then, Doctor, I caught him fist bumping the cabana girl.”
  • “Justin Timberlake Apologizes to Ex Britney Spears and Janet Jackson After Backlash” – “And while I’m at it, I take full responsibility for being the lookout at a Citibank® heist in 2003.”
  • “Former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay Calls Dale Moss and Clare Crawley Split ‘Disappointing’” – Question: How long can you call yourself “Former Bachelorette” before your friends start to say, “It’s time to move on with your life.”
  • “Hailey Bieber shares touching tribute to her ‘Valentine’ Justin Bieber with PDA-filled slideshow with snaps from their wedding and tropical getaways” – “And here’s a shot of our hotel maid in the bathroom wrestling an iguana.”
  • “Chris Pratt proves he’s willing to go the distance for love as he flies back from Australia to celebrate Valentine’s Day with wife Katherine Schwarzenegger” – His final relationship test will be learning to spell “Schwarzenegger.”
  • “Brooke Burke EXCLUSIVE: The Dancing with The Stars vet, 49, reveals her top FIVE secrets for looking as good as she did when she was in her 20s” – Number One secret: Never appear in public without wearing a hazmat suit.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Thoughts Better Kept to Myself

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  • The only time I’ve felt comfortable in a crowd was at my intervention.
  • Show me a lonely billionaire, and I’ll show you someone incapable of building a robot friend.
  • I know I should love myself, but I’m not ready for a committed relationship.
  • I cried because I had no shoes until someone said, “You have lovely toes.”
  • I don’t like to rush people. Whenever I take someone’s picture, I always say, “Count to 250 and say cheese.”
  • Bad conversation starter: Nice shopping cart. Where did you steal it?
  • You are on a train that leaves the station at noon. The train is 187 miles from its destination at 2:45 p.m. and 90 miles from its destination at 4:15 p.m. How far will the train travel before you speak to the passenger sitting next to you?
  • I coulda been a contender, but I’m horrible at job interviews.
  • Networking tip: Share your experiences. People may not connect your face with your business card, but they’ll never forget the woman who talked about her alien abduction.
  • If I always listened with my heart, what would I do with my ears? 

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”