Famous Pick-Up Lines

George Washington – I cannot tell a lie. You put the hot in hotty.

Alexander Graham Bell – Watson come here, I must have you.

Patrick Henry – Give me Liberty, or give me that beautiful smile.

Abraham Lincoln – Even a house divided would agree you’re babe-a-licious

Jim Bowie – If you think my knife is big, get a load of this.

Michelangelo – Ever do any nude modeling?

Wilbur and Orville Wright – Anybody ever tell you you’re pretty enough to be a stewardess?

Paul Revere – Honey, for you the British can wait.

Henry Morton Stanley — Dr. Livingston I hope.

Virginia Woolf – Would you like to see my room?

Alexander the Great – Care to find out how I got the name, “Great?”

Nostradamus – What’s your sign? Wait, don’t tell me!

Herman Melville – The name is Herman, but call me Ishmael.

Attila the Hun – Raping and pillaging have made me a more sensitive person.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

What Does Your DNA Have To Say?

After years of wondering where I got my compulsion to flick errant crumbs off messy eater’s lower lips, I decided to trace my ancestry with one of those DNA kits.

It’s been quite a journey. So far, I’ve discovered:

  • I had a great uncle who was a failed bootlegger of non-alcoholic whiskey.
  • My quarter half aunt twice removed was the first female elevator operator to announce: “Third floor, women’s lingerie.”
  • An extremely distant relative on my father’s side cured a young Abraham Lincoln of his stove pipe hat phobia.
  • My paternal great-great-great-grandfather was the first Pony Express rider disciplined for riding side saddle.
  • My great-great-not-so-great-aunt traveled with her husband to California in 1850. After their gold mine went bust, she opened the world’s first brothel for pets.
  • Immigration agents at Ellis Island granted my great-great-great-grandfather entry to the United States, but not his pet komodo dragon.
  • I’m also related to Lewis and Clark’s first official biographer, who in 1813 was fired for refusing to remove a chapter titled: “More Than Just Good Friends.”

My DNA search didn’t lead me to an explanation of my crumb flicking urges, but it’s nice to know I have enough interesting descendants to more than make up for our present day family of couch potatoes.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

My Most Intimate Secrets Revealed

  • Madonna once asked me to spend a wild night of sex with her, but I gave up because the line was too long.
  • I’m an obsessive compulsive who’s never been fired, because my bosses know it would take years for me to clean out my desk.
  • My artificial leg is actually transplanted from a llama.
  • In a previous life, I believe I was a blood thirsty Roman warrior with unresolved anger issues.
  • Whenever I wash my hands in public restrooms I only pretend to dry them by making the sounds of a blower.
  • I’ve never had a desire to dress like a woman, but there was a time when I bought a shirt that buttoned on the wrong side and thought I looked great in it.
  • I’m terrified my obituary will read: “He delivered his entire Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech while staring at the chest of a woman who was sitting in the third row.”
  • The face mask I’ve been wearing for the past year is actually painted on.
  • The only thing that has prevented my dream of riding in an outlaw motorcycle gang is my fear of chafing.
  • When I’m really lonely, I text myself and ask, “You up?”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

airbnBust Cottage Guest Book Entries

June 15 – July 9

Thanks for sharing your wonderful vacation cottage with us. The sights, the sounds were relaxing and restorative. By the way: Did you know Big Foot lives in the woods behind the boat shed? He taught our son how to search for grub worms in exchange for the Wi-Fi password.

Looking forward to our next stay.

The Grayson family

July 9 – July 23

We had a great time at your wonderful cottage. Caught 15 stripers on the first day! Thank you for your gracious hospitality. We hate to leave. Just a note: The grill’s propane tank is empty due mostly to Bigfoot’s raccoon roasts.

Can’t wait until next summer.

Tom and Gail Hannity

July 23 – August 6

This is our 6th year at the cottage. We so enjoy this lovely, quiet spot. Perfect weather, wonderful friends and delicious food. Just curious, did you give Bigfoot permission to use the shower?

See you next year!

Harold, Sandi, Lisa, and Tony

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

What if Big Noses Were Sexy?

She – I’m not ashamed of having a smoking hot nose. Sure, there are down sides; like always having to tell guys: “Hey, my eyes are up here, no, up another inch.” And people are constantly asking if I’ve had an implant. Hell no, I was born schnoz-alicious.

Jealous friends can be cruel, but I always say, don’t hate me because I have a sizzling snoot. If you’ve got it, flaunt it – and during the cold and flu season, blow it.

He – When God created me, he must’ve said, “Give him the Jamie Farr and don’t skimp.” I’m so thankful he/she did. Every time I walk into a bar (actually, my nose arrives a little earlier), the ladies immediately want to snuggle with my muzzle. Can you blame them? I don’t like to brag, but I have a tattoo of the Declaration of Independence on my beak, and that’s just on one nostril.

Would girls like me as much if I had a small honker? Perhaps, but I wouldn’t give up this prodigious proboscis for all the Kleenex in Kurdistan.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Super Heroes Shouldn’t Have to be Super All the Time

I admire super heroes for using their super powers to fight bad guys, stand up for the less-than-super folks and generally help mankind when mankind needs a helping iron fist.

I also believe that, given their exemplary service to society, super heroes are entitled, now and then, to use their super human gifts for purely selfish gain. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who spends 24/7 fighting evil deserves some occasional super hero me time.

Yes, doing good for your fellow man should be a reward in and of itself. Still, there should be a few other benefits.

I have no problem with Clark Kent confiding with a restaurant hostess that he’s actually Superman, just to get a good table further away from the kitchen.

I couldn’t blame the Incredible Hulk for proposing to a damsel in distress: “If I lift this car off your leg will you buy some Girl Scout cookies from my niece?”

I wouldn’t fault Peter Parker for sidling up next to a gorgeous babe in a bar and whispering, “Hi, I’m actually Spider-Man. Can I buy you a drink?”

I’d probably smile approvingly if I was standing behind Wonder Woman at the dry cleaners and overheard her shout, “No, I don’t have my ticket. If you can’t find my red, white and blue bustier in one minute, I’m going to string you up with my Lasso of Truth.”

Why should Bruce Wayne haggle with AmeriSave Home Loans when one angry call from Batman could get his Batcave refinanced as quicken as one, two, three?

Yes, we need our super heroes They make us feel safe and secure. We take great comfort in knowing they can do no wrong. But would we feel less safe or secure if, every once in a while, we let Captain America cut in line at Starbucks?

At the very least, cut the Invisible Man some slack for hanging out in his girlfriend’s bedroom to see if she’s been fooling around with Wolverine.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”