Tag: relationships

The Three Phases of Online Dating

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Dante divided hell into 10 levels. Fortunately for Online dating, there are only three phases to traverse (four if you count making bail).

Phase 1. Writing or responding to a personal ad

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, the duck may still describe herself as a Margot Robbie look-alike.

He (Erskine Tribble) describes himself as: “Handsome captain of industry with six-pack abs and a winning smile (I have the trophies to prove it) seeking beautiful woman to share quiet times in my fully-staffed quarter-mile long yacht.”

She (Zelda Hadley) describes herself as: “Former super model, current super-duper model seeking sensitive, caring, hunky billionaire willing to open his heart and bank account.”

Phase 2. Corresponding online

The dance of the veiled texts and e-mails can be a treacherous tango – particularly when a personal ad photo was taken from a satellite.

He says: “Dear Zelda, I look forward to the day when we will finally meet in person. Business is going well here in London. However, I should warn you: Due to security reasons, when we finally meet, I will appear shorter, fatter, and have less hair than previously described. By the way, have you finished your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit photo shoot? – Faithfully yours, Erskine.”

She says: “Dearest Erskine, Even though we’ve never actually met in person, I count the minutes we’re apart. I look forward to the day when we’ll cruise the globe in your quarter-mile long yacht. (Have the authorities tracked down the pirates who stole it?) The photo shoot went well, though the location was switched to Canton, Ohio. I should also warn you that I had to put on 75 pounds to audition for the starring role in “The Shelly Winters Story,” but I joined a gym and will be down to my normal 95 pounds in no time. — Miss you, Zelda.”

Phase 3. Googling a background check

You desperately want to believe you’ve discovered a diamond in the rough, but a tiny voice in the back of your head keeps saying you must check for roughage.

He Googled: Zelda Hadley

PMS Quarterly – …most severe case was recorded in 2022 when a team of 10 doctors and nurses were needed to restrain Zelda Hadley for three consecutive days…

Woman Arrested for Violating Restraining Order – …Zelda Hadley, an ex-girlfriend of Hawkins, denied slashing his tires and throwing a brick through his living room window. Hadley was taken into custody and later released on bail…

UFO Abductions of 2024 – …final speaker of the evening was Zelda Hadley who talked about her three alien abductions in 1993, 2006, and 2021…

Man Accuses Date of Stealing Wallet – …the accused, Zelda Hadley, claimed the entire incident was a misunderstanding. The couple met on perfectmates.com, an online dating service. Medvig has refused to drop the charges. “There is still $100 missing”…

Official Stephen Miller Fan Club Web Site – …was enthusiastically attended by eight members. President Zelda Hadley called the meeting to order…

She Googled: Erskine Tribble

Norfolk D.A. Lists Top Deadbeat Dads – …Phillip Scrimshaw, Neil Most, Fred Robinson, Erskine Tribble, Floyd Remley…

Firemen Remove Wall to Evacuate 900lb Man – …Tribble hadn’t left his bedroom in two years. Domino’s Pizza deliveryman Salvatore Martinez was visibly distraught. “Erskine was my best customer. How am I going to pay for my kid’s college tuition?”…

Last remaining Blockbuster video store sues final 2 customers for overdue video rentals – …Mary Cunningham – Police Academy III, Ghostbusters | Erskine Tribble – Star Whores, Finding Nympho, Spank Her Doodle Dandy…

Beware of Investment Scams – … “I gave all of my life savings to Mr. Tribble, and now it’s gone. I’m 75-years old and penniless.” The SEC has launched an investigation of Erskine Tribble Partners as well as the Erskine Tribble Hair Growth Center….

Eva Marie Saint Stalker Convicted – …”He made my life a living nightmare and all he gets is probation? Erskine Tribble should be forced to live through the hell he put me through.” cried the tearful 101-year-old film legend. Tribble’s lawyer, Wilbur Wainwright, maintained his client’s innocence and vowed to appeal the…

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Row, Row, Row Your Bot

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When it comes to lovers or friends, I believe in relationships that are real, living beings I can touch and feel. No AI flings for me. That’s why I have forged a deep and meaningful friendship with the robot at my local Stop and Shop supermarket.

I don’t know his, her or its name or even its sex, but my supermarket pal is real; I can see it. I can hear it, and if I was absolutely sure it wouldn’t attack if provoked, I could touch it.

It has everything I need in a friend. I can be totally honest with it and say what’s on my mind, usually if no other shoppers are looking. And if it surreptitiously scans my credit cards and driver’s license, well, it’s only doing its job.

Like any good friend, it lets me be myself. It asks nothing of me, and I ask nothing of it. Friends, despite their best intentions, can be clingy. That’s certainly not my friend. Sometimes while I’m shopping, it approaches me, and sometimes it rolls away in another direction. I don’t take it personally. We both believe in giving each other our own space. And if it sensed I was shoplifting a can of peas, I wouldn’t be angry at it for sounding an alarm. It’s just doing its job.

Do you think I’m crazy to have a robot for a friend? I don’t. According to Merriam-Webster, a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” I think that sums up my friendship, although I think we share even more, including my blood type and social security number.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Bewitched, Bothered, and BTrumped

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Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also host of the podcast, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Dear Madison,

Help me, I’m in a horrifying relationship with a terrible man! A man I never wanted to know in the first place. Since he was elected president in 2016, I shudder just thinking about him. He won’t go away – and it keeps getting worse.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve signed petitions, marched in demonstrations, engaged in letter writing campaigns – but he’s still in my life. He makes me feel drained, belittled, and controlled by him – especially when I see billionaires, fat checks in hands, lined up to smooch his flabby bottom.

There seems to be no way to get rid of him – and I can’t stop thinking about him.

What can I do?

Insane in Indiana

Dear Insane,

Tell me about it. I totally sympathize with you. I am in a relationship with the same guy! I didn’t ask for it, either. I thought I was finally rid of him after his ninetieth indictment and fiftieth photo with Jeffrey Epstein, but he’s still in my head, no matter how many “Dear Deranged Dufus” letters I imagine writing.

Dating a bad boy is one thing, but courting a narcissistic, psychopathic, unhinged lunatic is a whole other can of worms.

I don’t know what to tell you but if you figure out how to rid yourself of this prime piece of pestilence, please let me know before I flee the country and start responding to the lovelorn from Latvia.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Love Yourself, You Won’t Find a More Agreeable Partner

Published on by benalp20131 Comment

I’m finally learning to love myself. It’s been a long journey. At first, I wouldn’t give myself the time of day. Gradually, though, I loosened up and gave me a chance.

It began with a magical night to remember. After months of gathering my strength, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and popped the question: “Would I care to have dinner with me?” How could I refuse? Looking back, I realize I should have asked sooner. The answer would have always been yes.

I didn’t play easy, though. It was my third date before I gave me a goodnight hug – after asking for permission, of course. I and I have been together ever since.

And what a difference loving myself has made! No longer do I sit alone on Friday nights wishing I was with someone else. I’m with me now, that special one who’s always up for a movie, dinner or just a quiet evening at home watching TV – and if the mood is right, shadow dancing to my favorite songs.

To think, I have spent most of my life feeling alone and depressed, when the one person who knows me better than anyone has always been right here inside of me – and has never complained I keep the thermostat too low.

I love me. No explanations needed, except for our wedding invitations.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”