Tag: Trump

Hell of a Meeting

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Good evening and welcome to our Lake of Fire monthly meeting. For those of you who had a devil of a time getting here, you have nothing but our envy.

I will begin with some housekeeping items.

It’s been brought to our attention that someone has been tampering with the Inferno’s humidity control. I can’t emphasize this more strongly: the eternal burning flames of Hell are a dry heat. Let’s please keep it that way.

Also, even though torment and suffering are our brand, intermittent Wi-Fi reception is unacceptable. Rest assured, we’re working on this problem, but what can I say? Eternal damnation is a day in the park compared to dealing with Xfinity.

Now, a special announcement. We’ve been informed of a soon-to-be Hellion. This new addition to our community should be no surprise to any of you. His name is Donald J. Trump. Although we haven’t received a formal application, this was a no brainer, and we’ve already completed the application process. In fact, we’ve never received so many strong and even pleading recommendations.

I’ve never said this before, but I think Trump may be the first ever applicant over qualified – by a mile.

Let’s quickly review his record:

He’s been charged with 88 criminal offenses in four criminal cases.

He’s been convicted of 34 felonies.

Countless women have accused him of sexual assault.

He was found liable for sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll in the mid-1990s.

He’s been found guilty countless times of civil fraud.

I could go on and on, but the Repentant Sinners Anonymous group needs this room in a couple of hours, and I think you get the big picture: encouragement of political violence, ethical violations and conflicts of interest, falsification of business records, civil fraud conviction, classified documents investigation. He’s the whole enchilada.

We can’t say for sure when he’ll be arriving, but we’re predicting it will be shortly after he meets his maker when falling off a balcony while attempting to grope an AI version of Miss Pitch and Putt 1993.

When Donald Trump arrives, please make him feel at home and whatever you do, don’t enter into any business deals with him.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Bewitched, Bothered, and BTrumped

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also host of the podcast, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Dear Madison,

Help me, I’m in a horrifying relationship with a terrible man! A man I never wanted to know in the first place. Since he was elected president in 2016, I shudder just thinking about him. He won’t go away – and it keeps getting worse.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve signed petitions, marched in demonstrations, engaged in letter writing campaigns – but he’s still in my life. He makes me feel drained, belittled, and controlled by him – especially when I see billionaires, fat checks in hands, lined up to smooch his flabby bottom.

There seems to be no way to get rid of him – and I can’t stop thinking about him.

What can I do?

Insane in Indiana

Dear Insane,

Tell me about it. I totally sympathize with you. I am in a relationship with the same guy! I didn’t ask for it, either. I thought I was finally rid of him after his ninetieth indictment and fiftieth photo with Jeffrey Epstein, but he’s still in my head, no matter how many “Dear Deranged Dufus” letters I imagine writing.

Dating a bad boy is one thing, but courting a narcissistic, psychopathic, unhinged lunatic is a whole other can of worms.

I don’t know what to tell you but if you figure out how to rid yourself of this prime piece of pestilence, please let me know before I flee the country and start responding to the lovelorn from Latvia.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

You Should be Fined, Oklahoma

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Oklahoma’s new public high school history curriculum requires students learn about baseless claims of voting irregularities in the 2020 election promoted by Donald Trump and his supporters. (Editor’s note: I am not making this up.)

Why stop there? Here are some more fantastical factoids that should be required learning.

  • 1776 – General George Washington crossed the Delaware River with his Continental Army after offloading all transsexual soldiers.
  • 1892 – Ellis Island in New York Harbor, originally a comfortable, well-kept Caucasian neighborhood, was overrun by immigrants who were allowed to quickly slip into the country.
  • 1915 – The British ocean liner, Lusitania was sunk by a German submarine while the ship’s crew was attending a mandatory diversity, equity and inclusion workshop.
  • 1927 – Charles Lindbergh made the first nonstop flight from New York to Paris, and then offered his plane, the Spirit of St. Louis, to Donald Trump’s grandfather as a gift.
  • 1929 – The Great Depression caused a severe global economic downturn when, overnight, able bodied men appeared in bread lines demanding free bread.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Give Us This Day Our Fries and Chicken Nuggets

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

According to a Fox News poll, majorities of white evangelical Christians (56%), Republicans (60%), 2024 Trump supporters (62%), and MAGA supporters (70%) believe Trump was saved from assassination attempts because God wanted him to be president again.

I have always assumed God avoided politics and focused on parimutuel betting, but what do I know? He has never spoken to me through an ABC News/WaPo/Ipsos poll.

Dig a little deeper into polling, however, and you will find the Lord is telling MAGA minions even more.

  • According to a Giddyup poll, 50% believe God rehearsed saving Donald Trump from assassination by practicing with Abraham Lincoln, James A. Garfield and William McKinley.
  • A Whoopsos poll tells us that 73% know for a fact that the next Black president will only occur after the Lord chooses a qualified man named Black.
  • Rasmucas’ latest survey indicates that 48% believe Jared Fogle will be released from jail when God discovers Subway has been substituting baloney for Black Forest ham.
  • Harris Insights, Outsights & All-Around Analytics reveals that 83% of Trumpers believe God told President Trump to give Mel Gibson his guns back – but very carefully because of, well, Mel’s hair trigger temper.
  • According to a SurveyMonkeyHouse poll, 67% percent believe Trump and wife Melania sleep in separate bedrooms, because the Lord’s light shining down on Donald keeps her up at night.
  • And in a related Phew! Research Center poll, 0% of people who normally ask “What would Jesus do?” have never asked “Who would Trump do?”

Do these polling results convince me that God is Trump’s copilot or even fast-food friend? I find it hard to believe the Lord favors anyone – or could even figure out how to manipulate swing state voting.

Regardless, I think it would take a lot to change MAGA minds.

But…if the economy continues to tank and their savings swoon, it won’t surprise me if many of them wake one night soon claiming to have heard an all-knowing voice above bellow:

“I’m with Bernie.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

‘Oh Trumpzilla, We Can’t Quit You – Yet’

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

Donald Trump, leader of the gang that couldn’t conjugate the verb to be straight, wants to withhold funds from Harvard, rescind the University’s tax-exempt status, and is threatening to ban the school’s foreign students. He added: “Harvard is a JOKE, teaches Hate and Stupidity.” It must be true because he spelled “joke” in all CAPS.

All this – and a whole lot more – makes me wonder: When will his MAGA base begin to question his judgment, mental stability, and choice of orange bronzer?

Will it be when Trump Nation’s rationalization for his decision to deport anybody who rolls their Rs transitions from “What about Obama, Hillary, and Biden?” to “What about Martin Van Buren, James Buchanan, and Grover Cleveland?”

Will it be when Trumpers attempt to calculate their income tax using a pencil and a bottle of A1 sauce?

Or will it be when HHS Secretary RFK Jr. announces he’s discovered a cure for the heebie-jeebies?

My guess is the first signs of doubt among the Marvelous Mango’s legion will occur when Social Security payments transition from U.S. currency to slightly-used Monopoly money.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Always Joe Biden’s Fault

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

According to a New York Times article, “President Trump has mentioned President Biden 316 times in fifty days, mostly to blame him for things.”

A closer look, however, shows that Trump isn’t the first president to blame Joseph Biden for all of his mistakes.

  • George Washington – “I cannot tell a lie. It was Joe Biden who chopped down the cherry tree.”
  • William Henry Harrison – “But I contend that the strongest of all governments is that which is most free of Joe Biden.”
  • Zachary Taylor – “It would be judicious to act with magnanimity towards a prostrate foe – or a prostrate Joe.”
  • Abraham Lincoln – “You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time – except Joe Biden.”
  • Grover Cleveland – “Above all, tell the truth – and I’m talking to you, Joe Biden.”
  • Theodore Roosevelt – “Speak softly, but not as softly as Joe Biden.”
  • Calvin Coolidge – “The business of America is none of Joe Biden’s business.”
  • Franklin Delano Roosevelt – “The only thing we have to fear is Joe Biden himself.”
  • Richard Nixon – “I am not a crook. Joe Biden? I’m not so sure.”
  • William Jefferson Clinton – “I did not have sex with that Joe Biden”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Even More Trump Revelations!

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment

The steady stream of books written about Donald J. Trump continue to shock and amaze a public now accustomed to being shocked and amazed.

Here are a few more mind-boggling facts that, let’s face it, probably won’t surprise you.

  • Trump’s first Mideast peace proposal included renaming Jerusalem’s Temple Mount, Trump International Hotel and Temple Mount.
  • The largest anonymous donor to the Trump campaign was by far a political group funded mostly by a Saudi Arabian orange hair dye magnate.
  • During his first year in office, Trump needed to be talked out of naming an ambassador to the International House of Pancakes.
  • The Trump Organization recruits most employees at job fairs held mostly on our country’s southern border.
  • During the height of the pandemic, Trump paid a high-priced prostitute $250,000 to order him to wear a mask.
  • Trump’s aids encouraged him to read his speeches strictly on a teleprompter by dangling freshly cooked cheeseburgers slightly above the top margin.
  • Corey Lewandowski would have been named secretary of state had he been able to find Great Britain on a map.
  • While recovering from Covid, Trump was replaced at a rally by a Benny Hilly impersonator with a pretty good New York accent.
  • To keep VP Mike Pence and Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy in line, Trump received secret obedience lessons from Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan.
  • Melania Trump has given husband Donald her approval for running for president again, but ONLY if he allows her write, produce, direct and star in “The Stormy Daniels Story.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Trump’s Reaction to Losing

Published on by benalp2013Leave a comment
  • “I don’t like make excuses, but Hitler had more support in his bunker.”
  • “Dammit! I won’t be able to appoint the first Hell’s Angels member to a cabinet position.”
  • “I was very specific about this: I wanted an October, not December surprise!”
  • “Did Fauci just give me the finger on CNN?”
  • “Rudy says we can still void all the California votes.”
  • “I don’t understand it; we had such great hats.”
  • “New retroactive executive order: We sold Pennsylvania to Portugal.”
  • “I told you we should’ve used the pictures of Hunter Biden with Jane Fonda in Hanoi.”
  • “What do you mean Putin now has an unlisted number?”
  • “I don’t care if it’s screwed to the floor. I’m taking the Oval Office desk with me.”
  • “Ivanka, Jared, get in here. We’re doing a group self-pardon.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”