Month: March 2025

Always Joe Biden’s Fault

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According to a New York Times article, “President Trump has mentioned President Biden 316 times in fifty days, mostly to blame him for things.”

A closer look, however, shows that Trump isn’t the first president to blame Joseph Biden for all of his mistakes.

  • George Washington – “I cannot tell a lie. It was Joe Biden who chopped down the cherry tree.”
  • William Henry Harrison – “But I contend that the strongest of all governments is that which is most free of Joe Biden.”
  • Zachary Taylor – “It would be judicious to act with magnanimity towards a prostrate foe – or a prostrate Joe.”
  • Abraham Lincoln – “You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time – except Joe Biden.”
  • Grover Cleveland – “Above all, tell the truth – and I’m talking to you, Joe Biden.”
  • Theodore Roosevelt – “Speak softly, but not as softly as Joe Biden.”
  • Calvin Coolidge – “The business of America is none of Joe Biden’s business.”
  • Franklin Delano Roosevelt – “The only thing we have to fear is Joe Biden himself.”
  • Richard Nixon – “I am not a crook. Joe Biden? I’m not so sure.”
  • William Jefferson Clinton – “I did not have sex with that Joe Biden”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Embracing Your Indecisiveness – Or Not

Published on by benalp20134 Comments

Has your life been frozen in indecision? Mine too, I think.

Can’t decide whether to continue reading this? I agonized over whether to continue writing it.

If you are always unsure of everything, here is one thing of which you can be certain: You are not alone. Of that, I’m fifty percent certain.

Look around. Chances are the first person you see is wondering whether to upgrade their phone plan.

If you’re in line at McDonald’s, I bet the guy in front of you is thinking, “Should I order a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?” Eventually, he’ll give up and think, “The hell with it; I’ll order a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.”

In a world full of people who can’t make up their minds, you are just a face in the vacillating crowd.

I’m just like you. On Career Day in high school, I had no idea what I wanted to be after graduation. I lied and said I wanted to be a butler for an aging matriarch.

Here’s the only certainty: You will never be certain. Embrace your indecisiveness.

If you are a Revolutionary War reenactor, stand with pride when yelling, “Fire or don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”

When applying for a job, tell your interviewer without hesitation, “I may or may not be the right person for this position.”

When proposing marriage, tell that special gal or guy, “I’ve always wondered if you were the one for me.”

Just do it – or not. You’ve got nowhere to go but up, down, or remain in the same place.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Because You’re That Desperate to Meet a Girl

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According to “3 Pickup Lines That Actually Work, According To A Professional Dating Coach,” Blaine Anderson, a professional dating coach reveals, well, 3 pickup lines that actually work.

The 3 lines are:

  • “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you have a stunning smile and I couldn’t leave without coming over to introduce myself.”
  • “You’re way too cute to be waiting alone. Can I buy you a drink?”
  • “You look so familiar. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Hailey Bieber? She’s my celeb crush so I had to come over and say hello.”

However, if these lines don’t work, check out Blaine Anderson’s follow-up articles:

  • “Maintaining Your Dignity After a Woman Throws a Pina Colada in Your Face.”
  • “3 Lines to Use When Another Woman Says, “You’re Soaked! Did a Woman Throw a Pina Colada in Your Face?’”
  • “Making Sure You Never Say Aloud, ‘I Am Such a Loser.’”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”