Category: humor

Thanksgiving Planning

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Dear Family,

Gerry and I are so looking forward to seeing you on Thanksgiving. Here’s what people are bringing so far:

Aunt Diane: “I’m bringing chestnut stuffing.”

Cousin Lois: “We’re bringing cranberry sauce and wine.”

Grandpa Leon: “After going through a painful divorce this year, I’m bringing my emotional baggage.”

Cousin Steve’s partner, Fred: “Steve and I are making a pumpkin pie.”

Aunt Sally: “I’m bringing a list of pointed questions for our MAGA relatives”

Uncle Ray’s new wife, Nicole: “I’m bringing a green bean casserole.”

Cousin Eddy: “I will be arriving with my usual uncontrollable urge to drink, even though I shouldn’t – and my apologies in advance for drinking too much.”

Phil: “(Please note I no longer go by my old name Phyllis) “Brussels sprouts.”

Second cousin Andrea: “Pepto-Bismol to be taken immediately after eating Phil’s Brussels sprouts.”

Grandma Fran: “My usual frustration at not being able to get a word in edgewise.”

Uncle Ken: “A box to hold everyone’s grudges.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

The Three Phases of Online Dating

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Dante divided hell into 10 levels. Fortunately for Online dating, there are only three phases to traverse (four if you count making bail).

Phase 1. Writing or responding to a personal ad

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, the duck may still describe herself as a Margot Robbie look-alike.

He (Erskine Tribble) describes himself as: “Handsome captain of industry with six-pack abs and a winning smile (I have the trophies to prove it) seeking beautiful woman to share quiet times in my fully-staffed quarter-mile long yacht.”

She (Zelda Hadley) describes herself as: “Former super model, current super-duper model seeking sensitive, caring, hunky billionaire willing to open his heart and bank account.”

Phase 2. Corresponding online

The dance of the veiled texts and e-mails can be a treacherous tango – particularly when a personal ad photo was taken from a satellite.

He says: “Dear Zelda, I look forward to the day when we will finally meet in person. Business is going well here in London. However, I should warn you: Due to security reasons, when we finally meet, I will appear shorter, fatter, and have less hair than previously described. By the way, have you finished your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit photo shoot? – Faithfully yours, Erskine.”

She says: “Dearest Erskine, Even though we’ve never actually met in person, I count the minutes we’re apart. I look forward to the day when we’ll cruise the globe in your quarter-mile long yacht. (Have the authorities tracked down the pirates who stole it?) The photo shoot went well, though the location was switched to Canton, Ohio. I should also warn you that I had to put on 75 pounds to audition for the starring role in “The Shelly Winters Story,” but I joined a gym and will be down to my normal 95 pounds in no time. — Miss you, Zelda.”

Phase 3. Googling a background check

You desperately want to believe you’ve discovered a diamond in the rough, but a tiny voice in the back of your head keeps saying you must check for roughage.

He Googled: Zelda Hadley

PMS Quarterly – …most severe case was recorded in 2022 when a team of 10 doctors and nurses were needed to restrain Zelda Hadley for three consecutive days…

Woman Arrested for Violating Restraining Order – …Zelda Hadley, an ex-girlfriend of Hawkins, denied slashing his tires and throwing a brick through his living room window. Hadley was taken into custody and later released on bail…

UFO Abductions of 2024 – …final speaker of the evening was Zelda Hadley who talked about her three alien abductions in 1993, 2006, and 2021…

Man Accuses Date of Stealing Wallet – …the accused, Zelda Hadley, claimed the entire incident was a misunderstanding. The couple met on perfectmates.com, an online dating service. Medvig has refused to drop the charges. “There is still $100 missing”…

Official Stephen Miller Fan Club Web Site – …was enthusiastically attended by eight members. President Zelda Hadley called the meeting to order…

She Googled: Erskine Tribble

Norfolk D.A. Lists Top Deadbeat Dads – …Phillip Scrimshaw, Neil Most, Fred Robinson, Erskine Tribble, Floyd Remley…

Firemen Remove Wall to Evacuate 900lb Man – …Tribble hadn’t left his bedroom in two years. Domino’s Pizza deliveryman Salvatore Martinez was visibly distraught. “Erskine was my best customer. How am I going to pay for my kid’s college tuition?”…

Last remaining Blockbuster video store sues final 2 customers for overdue video rentals – …Mary Cunningham – Police Academy III, Ghostbusters | Erskine Tribble – Star Whores, Finding Nympho, Spank Her Doodle Dandy…

Beware of Investment Scams – … “I gave all of my life savings to Mr. Tribble, and now it’s gone. I’m 75-years old and penniless.” The SEC has launched an investigation of Erskine Tribble Partners as well as the Erskine Tribble Hair Growth Center….

Eva Marie Saint Stalker Convicted – …”He made my life a living nightmare and all he gets is probation? Erskine Tribble should be forced to live through the hell he put me through.” cried the tearful 101-year-old film legend. Tribble’s lawyer, Wilbur Wainwright, maintained his client’s innocence and vowed to appeal the…

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I Have A Few Revelations

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Before Maine oyster farmer/Senate candidate Graham Platner had time to inflate his “Platner 2026” balloons, he was forced to explain and apologize for numerous incendiary statements he made on social media way back in, well, way back just a couple of years ago. It’s hard to believe his positions and opinions could have been that different from what they are today. But like his Nazi tattoo, some things have just stuck with him.

Maybe it’s just part of being a candidate in this day and age. You must choose your words very carefully when even placing an online order for a jalapeno burger.

If I were running for office, would I too be forced to acknowledge any past indiscretions when I was younger and dumber? I’ll let you be the judge.

  • I was just a fool kid when I posted 53 white nationalist tirades an hour and a half ago.
  • When asked in a job interview “Can you tell us a little about yourself,” I failed to mention my year as a college intern for Reverent Jim Jones.
  • That kind of crude humor was how we all talked in the monastery.
  • When I said I was a communist, socialist and anarchist, I was in a different place. I believe it was my guest bedroom.
  • If I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn’t have parked in a handicap spot tonight.
  • I did at one time have four wives in three states. I plead guilty on that one. I’ve never been good at math.
  • My online dating profile may not have been totally truthful when I described myself as George Clooney.
  • In my defense, no one told me I couldn’t give my “60 Minutes” interviewer the middle finger.
  • It’s not that I’m looking for an easy race to win; I’ve just always wanted to run against an opponent who is awaiting sentencing for a felony conviction.
  • Until the police showed up at my house with a warrant. I had no idea an EZ Pass transponder didn’t automatically pay for a car wash.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Taken by Takeaways

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Have you noticed news writers and editors have become taken with “takeaways”? Who needs a beginning, middle and end to a story when you can have a list of equal observations?

Here are my takeaways on takeaways.

  • Aren’t you glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “Three Takeaways From President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address”?
  • Aren’t you even more glad there wasn’t a newspaper story titled “900 Takeaways From the Allied Invasion of France”?
  • We can only hope a sharp editor would have killed one of the takeaways in “Eleven Takeaways From God’s New Ten Commandments.”
  • The same for “Four Takeaways From The Three Musketeers.”
  • If a news organization declares bankruptcy, can its creditors takeaway its takeaways?
  • Until recently, takeaway articles didn’t involve immigrants being taken away.
  • Little known fact: High Times magazine is the only publication that has tokeaways.
  • A story with five takeaways could be interesting. A dining experience with five takeaways could lead to food poisoning.
  • Ok, they’re not news stories, but rental car agreements could certainly use some takeaways.
  • This piece clearly shows why no article should have ten takeaways.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Mining Bill Belichick’s Mind

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I’m a card-carrying introvert who speaks few words but has an inner life that can’t stop babbling. I have often wondered (to myself, of course) if former NFL great football coach, now North Carolina Tar Heels not-so-great football coach Bill Belichick’s mind works the same way. While talking – okay, mumbling – to reporters after another bone-crushing loss, could his mind be working overtime as monosyllable tidbits drop from his lips?

Coach Belichick: Questions?

Reporter: Coach, your team was losing so badly today your opponents offered to play blindfolded and hopping on one leg. Can you explain how you deal with this total ineptitude?

Belichick: There are some areas we need to work on.

Belichick to himself: The same questions week after week. Don’t these idiot reporters have anything else to ask other then, “Why did your team stink up the place?” I’ll tell you how I deal with one loss after another: I’m Bill Belichick, dammit! … Oh, come on. Who am I kidding? This was the most humiliating beating yet! …. Why did I take this job?

Belichick to reporters: Next question.

Reporter: Coach, why did your team punt three times on first downs?

Belichick to himself: Why do they always let this bozo reporter sit up front? Same with the guy sitting next to him who always reeks of B.O. I’m so tired of not breathing through my nose. And what’s with the chubby guy who always looks like he’s about to ask a question, then takes a sip of coffee?

Belichick to reporters: I think it was four times.

Belichick to himself: Dammit Bill! Focus! A few more three-word responses and you’ll be out of here.  … Oh God, I’m too old for this! I could be laying on a beach somewhere, with a nubile young girlfriend trying to sell me Girl Scout cookies. … Take another question!

Belichick to reporters: Next question.

Reporter: Bill, do you stand by your decision to hire your nephew as an assistant coach even though he said his long-term goal is raising hamsters in New Zealand?

Belichick to reporters: I treat everyone on my staff –my sons, my nephews, friends of friends, my accountant’s kids – the same.

Belichick to himself: Why can’t I say no to these people? Why did I hire my ex-wife’s new husband’s ex-con son as my defensive coordinator? And how can I concentrate when Jordon keeps texting me about shopping for thongs and end tables? Note to self: Don’t bring the phone to any more games.

Belichick to reporters: Any other questions?

Reporter: Coach, do you have any second thoughts about taking on the responsibilities of coaching a major college football team?

Belichick to reporters: No.

Belichick to himself: Jordon said it would be good for her brand. What brand? Gold Diggers R’ Us? I’m contradicting myself, but why am I even with this woman/child. She’s young enough to be my daughter’s daughter. I’ve never heard anyone say the word “like” so many times. Sometimes I want to, like hit her, like on the head to, like make her stop! Oh my God, now I’m, like saying it!

Belichick to reporters: I think that, like wraps it up.

Reporter: Any last thoughts, coach?

Belichick to reporters: On to Syracuse – and then to Target for end tables.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Hell of a Meeting

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Good evening and welcome to our Lake of Fire monthly meeting. For those of you who had a devil of a time getting here, you have nothing but our envy.

I will begin with some housekeeping items.

It’s been brought to our attention that someone has been tampering with the Inferno’s humidity control. I can’t emphasize this more strongly: the eternal burning flames of Hell are a dry heat. Let’s please keep it that way.

Also, even though torment and suffering are our brand, intermittent Wi-Fi reception is unacceptable. Rest assured, we’re working on this problem, but what can I say? Eternal damnation is a day in the park compared to dealing with Xfinity.

Now, a special announcement. We’ve been informed of a soon-to-be Hellion. This new addition to our community should be no surprise to any of you. His name is Donald J. Trump. Although we haven’t received a formal application, this was a no brainer, and we’ve already completed the application process. In fact, we’ve never received so many strong and even pleading recommendations.

I’ve never said this before, but I think Trump may be the first ever applicant over qualified – by a mile.

Let’s quickly review his record:

He’s been charged with 88 criminal offenses in four criminal cases.

He’s been convicted of 34 felonies.

Countless women have accused him of sexual assault.

He was found liable for sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll in the mid-1990s.

He’s been found guilty countless times of civil fraud.

I could go on and on, but the Repentant Sinners Anonymous group needs this room in a couple of hours, and I think you get the big picture: encouragement of political violence, ethical violations and conflicts of interest, falsification of business records, civil fraud conviction, classified documents investigation. He’s the whole enchilada.

We can’t say for sure when he’ll be arriving, but we’re predicting it will be shortly after he meets his maker when falling off a balcony while attempting to grope an AI version of Miss Pitch and Putt 1993.

When Donald Trump arrives, please make him feel at home and whatever you do, don’t enter into any business deals with him.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Action Retraction

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Politicians are always retracting and apologizing for things they’ve said and done before entering office – or even while serving.

In the event I find myself serving my town, state or country, I’d like to acknowledge and ask for your forgiveness for the following.

  • I accept full responsibility for running an unlicensed daycare center that was actually a sweat shop producing computer chips for Hewlett Packard.
  • I regretfully acknowledge I have three wives, although in my defense, I only married two of them for backup purposes.
  • I did not, in fact, have irrefutable evidence my opponent for Secretary of State was an undocumented space alien illegally collecting food stamps.
  • From 2005 to 2017 I lined my bird cage with classified documents.
  • Contrary to what I stated on “Meet the Press,” I don’t floss every day.
  • When voting in the last three elections, I went into the polling booth and flipped a coin.
  • I did not check the validity of the photo I posted of my opponent shaking hands with Joseph Stalin.
  • I have used the name “Lance Forcefeld” when checking into hotels with my intern, but only for security purposes.
  • My responses during the last debate were fed to me through a wireless earphone by an eight-year-old unpaid political strategist.
  • The only reason I refused to endorse Zohran Mamdani for mayor of New York City was because I couldn’t pronounce his name.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Row, Row, Row Your Bot

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When it comes to lovers or friends, I believe in relationships that are real, living beings I can touch and feel. No AI flings for me. That’s why I have forged a deep and meaningful friendship with the robot at my local Stop and Shop supermarket.

I don’t know his, her or its name or even its sex, but my supermarket pal is real; I can see it. I can hear it, and if I was absolutely sure it wouldn’t attack if provoked, I could touch it.

It has everything I need in a friend. I can be totally honest with it and say what’s on my mind, usually if no other shoppers are looking. And if it surreptitiously scans my credit cards and driver’s license, well, it’s only doing its job.

Like any good friend, it lets me be myself. It asks nothing of me, and I ask nothing of it. Friends, despite their best intentions, can be clingy. That’s certainly not my friend. Sometimes while I’m shopping, it approaches me, and sometimes it rolls away in another direction. I don’t take it personally. We both believe in giving each other our own space. And if it sensed I was shoplifting a can of peas, I wouldn’t be angry at it for sounding an alarm. It’s just doing its job.

Do you think I’m crazy to have a robot for a friend? I don’t. According to Merriam-Webster, a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” I think that sums up my friendship, although I think we share even more, including my blood type and social security number.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Interrupting a Blathering Express

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Note: I originally wrote this for introverts, but upon watching steam streaming from extrovert ears who also can’t get a word in edgewise, I realize it applies to everybody.

Trying to insert yourself into a conversation with some people is like driving onto a busy freeway; you’ll never make it if you strictly obey the yield sign.

Here are some simple things you can say that can make the difference between getting your two cents in or going home with change in your pocket.

To politely interrupt someone, try saying:

  • Just an observation: When you started speaking, I didn’t have a beard.
  • This is the first time I’ve seen someone’s clothes go out of style as they talked.
  • I need to speak now. My doctor says I only have seventy years to live.
  • Can we eat soon? The expiration date on my veal is approaching.
  • Hold that thought while I tear out my hair.

When someone tries to interrupt you, try saying:

  • I was polite enough to listen to your position, which I believe you began explaining during the Clinton administration.
  • Go ahead. I normally finish my thoughts in mid-sentence.
  • Can you hold off until I tell the paramedic my symptoms?
  • Stop interrupting me! You know, there are more AI boyfriends in the sea.
  • You’ll have plenty of time to speak after I finish my eulogy.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Officer, Do You Know Who I Am?

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Are you a self-important and intoxicated person who has considered slurring “Do you know who I am?” while being arrested? Before body cam footage of the incident ends up on a TMZ video segment, consider these less direct rejoinders to deal with the situation.

  • “Do you know who I was when starting out and the world looked bright and hopeful?”
  • “Do you know who I’ll be after my sex change operation?”
  • “Do you remember when we were young politicians and cops without a care in the world?”
  • “Do you know who I’d be if I had studied harder in school and applied myself?”
  • “Do you know the way to San Jose?”
  • “Do you know you’re kind of cute when you wrestle a suspect to the ground?”
  • “Do you know you’re not the first person to suggest I have a drinking problem?”
  • “Do you have a gun in your holster, or are you just pleased to see me?”
  • “Do you have any helpful tips on passing sobriety tests?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”.