Category: Introvert

Speed dating is a great way to quickly meet a lot of potential mates. Why spend an evening getting to know one person who likes candle-lit dinners and long walks on the beach when you can meet ten or twenty?

Neil, a freelance card counter from Reno, Nevada has one gone one step further. He has embraced speed relationships. “I enjoy companionship, but I’m basically a solitary person who needs his own space. After 90 minutes with someone, I’m ready to move on, go home and stare into the abyss.”

Now, using dating apps, he’s had over 1000 fulfilling relationships in the last six months.

“Speed relationships perfectly suit my lifestyle. After meeting someone online, having a great dinner and an interesting conversation, I’m ready to suggest we should start seeing other people. It doesn’t mean I’m not a romantic. I’ll always cherish our hour together as well as the Ultimate Nachos special.”

Neil says speed relationships have other advantages.

• It’s the one and only time you’ll meet. There’s no chance your date will ever complain, “We never go anywhere!”
• Ambivalence about introducing your new girl or guy to your parents is never an issue – unless they’re sitting in the booth next to you.
• Height disparities are irrelevant since the relationship will probably conclude with both people sitting down.
• As long as you space your dates at least ten minutes apart, infidelity will never be an issue.
• You’ll be long gone before the thrill is gone.

Consider giving speed relationships a try. And remember, love is never having to say, “I promise I’ll call you.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

History could be made when self-absorbed, deep thinker extraordinaire, Dolly Lama attempts a record-setting journey to her previously-unexplored emotional depths. No one has ever focused longer and more intensely on inconsequential and mundane thoughts than she, but this could be her deepest self-absorption yet.

Lama, who last year spent an amazing 329 consecutive hours wondering why a Tinder date hadn’t called her back, plans to go further while obsessing about a workmate who gave her a funny look when she asked for the time.

She also holds a previous record of 297 hours set while questioning her decision to wear a striped halter top at a friend’s cookout. That record was broken shortly after by Leo Lawnfeld who spent 311 hours fixating on an old girlfriend who left him for a gender fluid airline pilot.

Dolly has been unintentionally training hard. Her daily workout regimen includes:

• Wondering why she’s never had a successful long-term relationship.
• Wondering why she’s never had a successful short-term relationship.
• Questioning why as a child she didn’t sell more Girl Scout cookies.
• Contemplating whether she’s responsible for her sister joining a book discussion group dedicated to the works of Sidney Sheldon.
• Worrying if anyone will notice her new Zoom background.
• Feeling guilty because she told an automated phone solicitation to F*ck off.

Asked why she spends most of her waking hours consumed in her own thoughts, Lama thought for a few days and responded, “That’s a good question. I’ll get back to you next year with an answer.”

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

• I never went to my junior or senior high school proms because I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t pronounce “cummerbund.”

 

• When people ask me, “What are you thinking?”, I always say what I think they want to hear – even if I’m thinking, “She should really have someone look at the mole.”

 

• When I die, I’d like to be buried laying on my side watching TV.

 

• The one thing I wish I could say to strangers is, “You really need to start using deodorant.”

 

• When asked at job interviews if I like working with people, I always say “yes.” If I was totally honest, I’d say: “No, I do my best work in a moderate-sized rental storage unit.”

 

• Whenever I wear a mask, I mumble disdainful things about people who aren’t wearing masks.

 

• When people in passing boats wave at me, I wave back, but my heart isn’t in it.

 

• I’m so bad at math I can’t even count calories.

 

• If we’re introduced, I won’t remember your name, but I will remember if you’re missing a tooth.

 

• When I voted during the last election, I took two “I Voted” stickers in case I forget to vote in the next election.

 

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Most people are familiar with the British passenger liner  Titanic, On April 15, 1912 during its maiden voyage, it struck an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the North Atlantic Ocean taking with it more than 1500 passengers.

Few people are familiar with one of the 498 survivors, introvert Felix Flambeau who might have saved the ship had it not been for his reclusive ways.

Flambeau, an itinerant toothpick designer from Boonton, New Jersey was taking his first-ever vacation. Using his life savings, he booked a luxury one-bedroom cabin on the ocean liner. Initially, he was having the time of his life: avoiding passengers, avoiding the crowded buffet lines and avoiding invitations to enter limbo contests.

All that changed on the evening of April 15th when, while seeking some solitude underneath an unoccupied deck chair, he spotted an enormous iceberg ahead of the ship.

Sensing the seriousness of the situation but not wanting to approach a crewmember much less make eye contact with them, Flambeau leaped into action. He made a mental note to write the captain a serious warning note and slip it under his door the next morning.

Tragically, the Titanic struck the iceberg and sank before dawn, denying Felix a place in history as the world’s first introverted hero.

As the ship began to sink into the freezing North Atlantic Ocean, passengers desperately fought to board crowded lifeboats. The dazed Flambeau stood by, witnessing the ensuing chaos. Suddenly, a voice from a panic-stricken hoard offered him a place in their jam-packed boat. Felix didn’t want to go down with the ship, but the idea of spending time in a crowded vessel, making small talk with total strangers was more than he could imagine. He politely declined their generous offer.

Felix Flambeau leaped off the ship’s bow and floated alone in the ice-cold water for two days. During this time rescue ships passed within whispering distance, but he remained silent, not wanting to attract attention to himself. Finally, he was rescued by an Argentine trawler which had spotted “a strange man floating in the water writing post cards.” For the solitary gentleman from Booton, New Jersey, it was the most peaceful and enjoyable part of his vacation.

It’s time to let the world know what you have to offer – even if you’re offering 2 for 1 deals on recycled sweat socks.

We get it. You’re an introvert. You don’t like bringing attention to yourself. But face it, it’s hard to succeed if no one knows you or what you do unless you’re being monitored by Homeland Security.

Fortunately, the same skills that got you voted in high school “Most Likely to Strike Up a Conversation with a Potted Plant” can help unleash your inner, socially-averse self-promoter.

Using just a few of your introvert strengths, you can show the world what you have to offer.

• Listen and observe – (Please note: observing your neighbor through your telescope does not count.) By talking less, and listening and observing more, introverts can pick up on conversational subtleties that others don’t. For example, after one short conversation, you may conclude: “This is the perfect person with whom to merge my multi-national corporation” or “Why doesn’t he trim his nose hairs?”
• Manage your energy – Attending an entire two-hour networking event is exhausting. Better to cut it down to a more manageable amount of time, say 20 seconds, 25 if the food is good. Then it’s time to head off to the nearest empty coat closet and collapse into an exhausted ball on the floor.
• Go with your strengths – Why try to sound like an expert nuclear arms negotiator when you can dazzle them with your real strength: sleight of hand magic tricks. It doesn’t matter if your potential employer is looking for an experienced project manager. When delivered with confidence and authority, stories about your years as a one-legged Hooters waitress will seal the deal and put you a hop, step and jump ahead of the competition.
• Prepare what to say – If you’re too nervous to speak extemporaneously, memorize your talking points. If that’s too hard, bring along a portable teleprompter. And keep it simple. Don’t try to impress with flowery language when monosyllable grunts will suffice. A rule of thumb: Never attempt to remember anything that you’d forget while screaming the same thing during sex.
• Share your experiences – An entertaining story about convincing a Nigerian prince to buy a non-existent Florida timeshare is bound to help you land a new account or great job. People may not connect your face with your business card, but they’ll never forget the woman who talked about being abducted by a UFO.
• Build meaningful connections – Introverts excel at one-on-one relationships. They may not remember everyone they encountered at crowded parties, but they remember every conversation, word-for-bark, they had with the host’s pet. Self-promoting for introverts works the same way. Don’t focus on meeting lots of people. Rather, build a relationship with the assistant sales manager with whom you chatted for hours about migratory robots.
• Be honest with yourself – Introverts are notoriously bad phony phonies. It consumes too much energy – energy that can be used for other endeavors, like endlessly replaying conversations in your head. When in doubt, look at yourself in the mirror (it’s okay to avoid eye contact) and give it to yourself straight. After all, no one knows you better than you – and perhaps your therapist who plans make you the subject of her next book.

If you’ve ever spent an evening at a networking event wondering which alias to write on your name tag, you know self-promotion can be tough for introverts.

Self-promotion goes against an introvert’s nature. (Some would say better nature.) Unfortunately, it’s hard to succeed without putting yourself out there, even if “out there” feels like having a bad case of acne at a clothing-optional bus stop.

Extroverts love waxing poetic about their achievements. Introverts, on the other hand, would rather stay at home and write in their journal, “Today, I invented a cure for bad foreign accents.”

Unfortunately, unless you’re pursuing a home-based career in envelope stuffing, some self-promotion is required for professional and personal growth.

The good news is the same qualities that impel introverts to avoid social interaction also makes them great self-promoters. For example, you’re not just a person nervously standing alone at a meet-and-greet; you’re an entrepreneur promoting your freelance mime business.

The secret to being a great introvert self-promoter is doing what works for you and then finding people who appreciate you and what you do – whether it’s your creative mind, boundless energy or uncomfortable facial expression.

TED Squawks – Spreading Ideas Like Fertilizer

When is the right time to think about when is the right time? Jared Waverino has been asking that question since 1992 when, after 20 years, he decided to move out of his parent’s basement.

In an extraordinary, frank talk, he explains how thinking, rethinking and thinking again can liberate our minds. Jared identifies three key situations at affect living fulfilling and well-thought-out lives: Ordering Big Macs without considering the rest of the menu; Choosing a lover without checking out the dating pool in every other country; and calling 911 without first deciding at least different 10 ways to say “I’ve been robbed!”

Waverino says, “Yes, some societies have progressed by taking bold, quick action, but never forget that before there was ‘We the people’ there was ‘Us the people’ and “Everybody here’.”

Jared Waverino, anthropologist, obsessive neurotic has spent years studying how baboons make choices. He’s the author of the best-selling book “I May or May Not Want Another Banana.”