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Finding Someone Who Doesn’t Think Your Sounds of Silence Suck

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When looking for a mate, it’s not easy to find that special person who will understand your quietness, but some people are uniquely qualified to deal with folks who don’t talk a lot. For example:

 british_queens_guard_prop_01 British Queen’s Guard – These guys are paid to spend each day in total silence. A few more minutes with you should be a piece of cake.
 librarian_03 Librarian – No one will treasure your silence more than a librarian. Aside from an occasional spirited discussion about the Dewey Decimal System, they love their shush-free moments.
 mime-hands Mime – Three unspoken words: He gets you.
 therapist_01 Psychiatrist – Who better for an introvert to have a relationship with than someone professionally trained to say “uh huh” and not much else?
 Wiretapping Surveillance specialist – You need a good listener, not a great conversationalist. He’s your guy.
 goddess Goddess – Goddesses aren’t chatty. All omnipotent creatures rarely are. They value your quiet spirit if not your obsession with the mundane.
 shepherd_01 Shepherd – Aside from an occasionally concerned sheep and a gossipy Border Collie, no one listens to his problems. He won’t expect you to be any different.

Converting Small to Large Talk

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fighting_couple_fallIntroverts hate small talk. It’s nothing personal but they have better things to do than partake in normal social interaction. How can you expect them to say hello when they’re obsessing about that piece of food stuck in your teeth? It doesn’t mean they don’t want to talk to extroverts; they’re just anxious to get to the heart of the matter: the who, why, where, and what’s with the pierced nose stuff.

You have to be careful with introverts. Just saying hello to one may cause their eyes to glaze over. Use the following Small to Large Talk Conversion chart to remove some of the uneasiness from your conversations.

Instead of saying: Try:
Hi. I bet you’re wondering why I’m sporting cleavage down to the wazoo at this funeral.
What do you do for a living? You look like a doctor friend of mine who went to jail for illegally prescribing OxyContin.
I’m an accountant. Most people think I’m boring because I’m an accountant, but there are many other reasons I put people to sleep.
Nice party. This should be interesting. Alice doesn’t know her ex-husband and his new girlfriend are coming.
How do you know the hosts? I was hired to defend Bob and Gail during that illegal nanny business. And you?
Do you have the time? I have to get home soon. My boyfriend is starring in a new reality show called “Who Wants to be a Transsexual.”
It was nice meeting you. Wait till I tell my wife I met the guy who broke up her sister’s marriage.

Advice – Andy Brightman – Trying to be Heard in a Herd

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Dear Andy,

I’m a board member for a non-profit organization. We’re raising money to restore the nation’s first rendering facility. It’s a project about which I’m very passionate. Our monthly meetings are lively affairs in which opinions fly fast and furious. I have much to say but there’s never a pause in the conversation for me to speak. I’m an extreme introvert and could never interrupt someone, but I need to express how I feel about converting waste animal tissue. How can I share my thoughts with the group?

Bursting on Beacon Hill

Dear Bursting,

I too have a hard time making myself heard in meetings. It’s not easy for introverts to cut people off and join the verbal fray. We have to devise alternative strategies that work best for us. For example, I always bring my ventriloquist dummy, Tommy to meetings. He isn’t afraid to jump into any conversation. However, there’s no guarantee your dummy will be as extroverted as he.

Have you tried communicating with your fellow board members outside of meetings? I often send 50-page emails summarizing my thoughts. If I have something really important to say I arrange to “accidentally” run into them as they’re leaving home for work. I’ve also had some constructive “surprise” conversations at muffler shops, psychiatrist offices, and funerals.

You have a right to be heard. The world needs to know how you feel about dead animal carcasses. The key is finding a way to communicate that works for you and won’t result in lawsuits or restraining orders.

Andy Brightman is a former CIA intelligence officer. “To Hell and Back: My 35 Years in Cubicle 289D” is his recently-published autobiography. 

I Am Not an Animal! I Am an Introvert!

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elephant_man_01We asked readers to send in questions for Joseph Carey Merrick, known by many as Elephant Man.

When did you first know you wanted to get into freak-show business? – Ned, Overbite, PA

I was never much of a people person, so that ruled out middle management. Then a promoter approached me about sitting quietly in a chair on stage. I immediately thought, “This is so me.”

Does it bother you that most people are repulsed by your physical appearance? – Jeannette, Lumpy, IL

Not at all. The last thing I want to do at social gatherings is talk to strangers. Normally, I bring a book and sit by myself. Not once has anyone ever said, “Hi, what are you reading?”

Do you ever think about what your life would be like if you weren’t the Elephant Man? – Paul, Quirky, WI

Never! I am not an animal! I am an introvert! Every night women throw their hotel keys at me and then spend the rest of the evening avoiding eye contact. Who could ask for anything more?

If you could switch places with anyone temporarily, who would it be? – Candace, Fibro, AZ

My feminine side has always been curious about the Bearded Lady, but I think I’d go with Tony Bennett, if only to experience mastering the American Songbook.

What advice would you give to other abnormal human beings? – Vince, Love Canal, NY

I never worry about what other people think, mainly because I’m an introverted aberration, not a shy oddity. I also have other tips which you can read in my new book, “Thirty Days to a Less Frightening You.”

When Did You Realize You Were an Introvert?

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 man_and_horse Bob: I remember lying in the maternity ward thinking, “These crying babies are driving me crazy!” At that moment I realized I was a solitary soul. Although I still prefer crying to small talk.

Sparky: Don’t get me wrong, I like Bob, but after he mounted me the first time, I thought, “I need my space.“
 FRANCE-CHANCELADE MAN-RECONSTRUCTION Phyllis: I always felt like a fish out of water. Then while at Harvard Business School I interned as a Mongolian tribeswoman. I found my dream job: yak herding. Now it’s just me, my deepest thoughts and 15,000 yaks.
 clown_01 Donald: For 20 years I entertained at children’s birthday parties before realizing large crowds of kiddies were driving me crazy. Now, I stay for only a few minutes, pretend to get an emergency phone call and leave. The kids and parents hate it but I’m a happy person.
 thoughful_man_01 Boyce: It was when I sat down to lunch with some introvert workmates. The table was silent. It’s so wonderful to discover friends with whom I can act as if they don’t exist.
 vampire_01 Melody: After I lost by baby fangs I began to feel a need for deep connections with just a few people. I’m kind of a loner, but I really latch intensely onto the friends I do have.

No Visual Response Home Introvert Test

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pregnancy_test_01No Visual Response is the only home introvert test that tells you within minutes if you’re an introvert.

How it works

Simply pee on a test strip. Then see what color it changes to:

  • Off white indicates you’re an extrovert. Don’t tell anyone you took this test.
  • Pink indicates you’re a mild introvert. You can withstand obnoxious workmates up to eight hours a day as long as you hide in the janitor’s closet for occasional breaks.
  • Green indicates you’re a normal introvert. You can mingle with a group of strangers at a party until you come up with a good excuse to leave.
  • Blue indicates you’re a serious introvert. You should only enter into relationships with people who will give you some space, preferably people who live in neighboring states.
  • Purple indicates you’re an extreme introvert. Don’t leave your apartment until 2028.

The No Visual Response Home Introvert Test is more accurate than most introvert tests, including the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment, which we recommend if you prefer tests in which you don’t have to pee on things.

Discover Your Inner Introvert

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sacred_woman_01Journey to your Introverse and beyond!

Join subconscious spiritual guide, Madame Carma Dioxide on a divine voyage to your most inner introvert.

The itinerary includes her sacred-palooza seminars:

  • Traveling the Quiet Expressed – Madame Dioxide leads you on a meditative excursion where silence is golden and tipping is forbidden.
  • The Zen of Aloneness and Binge Watching – Spend an entire weekend at Madame’s astoundingly beautiful Santa Barbara retreat while viewing every episode of Netflix’ “House of Cards” in a sensory deprivation tank (single tanks are extra). Price includes all the frozen pizza and Ben & Jerrys you can eat.
  • Toastmasters of the Soul – Learn to trust your inner monologue and better communicate with your unspoken voices. Emphasis on presentation, confidence and grammar.
  • I’m Beginning to See the Fright – Do you feel you’re suffocating when you’re in a crowd? It’s time to acknowledge and face your fear. Join countless other introverts in Madame’s small “purification” hut. We’ll confront our demons and sweat off a few pounds.
  • Small Talk Survivors Group – Share your experiences with other non–judgmental survivors in a safe space. Topics include “Beyond ‘Nice to meet you’ ” and “Getting past ‘So what do you do for a living?’.”

Madame Dioxide’s weekend retreat also includes a free seminar, Total Mind/Body/Spirit/Alignment and Rotation led by her live-in boyfriend, Master Yogi Goodwrench.

Price includes lodging, meals, and a T-shirt.

“Madame Carma Dioxide’s will lead you to a quiet, tranquil world. She is unquestionably nothingness personified.” – Sixpak Chopra

Top 10 Introvert Sexting Lines

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nose_textingYou’re so hot. I want you in another state.

I don’t mean to brag but I can go as long as I can obsess.

Give me some small talk and make it hurt.

The other voice in my head likes to watch.

You’re like my annoying boss. I can’t stop thinking about you.

I get so horny when you don’t say anything.

You wear me out like a 25-minute sales meeting.

I’m going to drive you beyond ecstasy and then give you some alone time.

You’re so sexy when you avoid eye contact.

I’d love to watch you decompress in the nude.

I’m Still Here, Reading in My Apartment – one-woman show delivers a reserved punch

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bad_actress_01

Theater review by Cesar Crouton

Judith Andelman reflects on her journey from a single, artistically inclined, withdrawn actress to an unmarried, creative, introverted, performer. It’s a transformation to behold, and she does it without making eye contact with the audience for two and a half hours.

Ms. Andelman – a veteran of countless Off, Off, Off Broadway productions including “I’m Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s Cocktail Parties,” The Iceman Cometh and won’t Shut Upeth,” and “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Boring Me” – explains through music and monologue how she overcame and embraced her introversion.

We watch this gifted, if not approachable, actress blossom before our eyes. As a child, sitting in her room, she sings about the joys of solitude (“No One to Watch Over Me”). Her teenage years are a profile in uneasiness. Her silence is always misinterpreted as standoffishness (“I Go to My Head”).

Ms. Andelman is an obsessive diarist. She quotes liberally from it her countless lovers who ask countless times, “Why are you so quiet?” This consumes approximately 95 percent of the show and 249 renditions of “Never Say Goodbye, Or Anything Else.”

The evening’s most heartbreaking moment comes when she hits rock bottom and is dismissed from a dinner theater production of “A Chorus Line” for insisting she only appear on stage with one dancer at a time. She apologizes and offers to dance with at least three. It’s too late and she realizes it, tearfully acknowledging “What I Probably Should Have Done for Love.”

Eventually through song and an imaginary therapist, Adelman explores her introversion. This leads to acceptance and self-love. In an emotional finale, she sends the audience home with a heartfelt and inspired “Of Me I Sing (Baby).”

I’m Still Here, Reading in My Apartment: Created and performed by Judith Andelman; Songs and lyrics by Judith Andelman (pending a lawsuits by the estates of George and Ira Gershwin, J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie, Clifton Davis, Marvin Hamlisch, and many others.)

Are you an introvert or are you just nervous to see me?

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nervous introvert

Introvert Extrovert test

There are many signs that indicate you could be introvert. For example, are you reading this blog post instead of attending your wedding reception?

Still not sure if you’re an introvert? You could seek an evaluation by a trained mental health professional. But who needs that when you can take a 30-second quiz on the Internet. (Note: If you feel you need more depth of knowledge, check out Carl Jung on Wikipedia. He’s the founder of analytical psychology and developed the concept of extraversion and introversion, an idea that came to him after his wife asked him for the 1000th time, “Why are you so quiet?”)

The following brief test is designed for those too lazy to google “Am I an introvert?”

Question 1: You are on a train that leaves the station at noon. The train is 187 miles from its destination at 2:45 p.m. and 90 miles from its destination at 4:15 p.m. How far will the train travel before you speak to the passenger sitting next to you?

Question 2: Which of the following is not a happy introvert moment?

  1. I’ve been quarantined by the Health Department.
  2. I won Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski’s remotely-located mountain shack in a government auction.
  3. The warden is sending me to solitary confinement.
  4. My officemates, whom I barely know, threw me a surprise birthday party at TGI Fridays.

Question 3: Look at the ink blot. What is the first thing that comes to mind?

ink_blot

  1. A melted Fudgsicle
  2. Three dancing bears
  3. I’m sorry. I was consumed in my own thoughts. What was the question?

Question 4: In 250 words or fewer, make a case for or against the following: The world should throw all its resources into colonizing the moon because introverts need more space to decompress.

Question 5: True or False – There’s nothing wrong with eating alone at a restaurant as long as you don’t engage in loud conversation with your utensils.

Question 6: Fill-in-the-Blank – Whenever I’m in a crowd of strangers for an extended period of time, I feel like falling to my knees and screaming like a wild _____ .

Question 7: Compare and contrast Lady Macbeth and that nudnik who always interrupts you while you’re sitting alone reading a book.

Question 8: If you are on a single or two-lane road and come to an intersection with a divided highway or a roadway with three or more lanes, you must:

  1. Yield the right of way to other traffic.
  2. Stop the car, get out, walk into the woods and gather your thoughts.

Question 9: What does this Auguste Rodin’s statue, The Thinker say to you?

THINKERs

  1. I’m bored. I think I’ll call my friends and see what they’re doing.
  2. Finally, I have some time to think.

Question 10: Do you think it’s going to rain?

  1. I don’t think so, which is good because I’m playing golf tomorrow with my buddies.
  2. Who cares, can we please talk about something more interesting?

Calculating your score – If it’s not obvious to you by now if you’re an introvert, it may be time to seek professional help.