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Archeologists Discover Paleolithic Introvert

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prehistoric-women_01A team of archaeologists excavating an ancient apothecary under a Roanoke, Virginia CVS discovered the remains of the world’s oldest known introvert. Scientists call the 130,000-year-old skeleton, Homo Standoffish and nicknamed her Alma. She provides a glimpse into the early age of introversion and differs from other humans discovered from this era.

Alma preferred staying in her cave alone and reading wall paintings. She rarely socialized with other Homo sapiens. When she did, she preferred long, intense conversations about not being killed by a large animal.

She occasionally attended fertility rituals and human sacrifices but often fled large gatherings after a short time to “recharge.”

Small talk was problematic for Alma because people’s vocabulary at that time was limited to three or four grunts. Most party talk consisted of “How do you know the host?” and “I thought the host had been eaten by a lion.”

Alma had a rich inner life and was the first creature to obsess on two legs.

She spent most of her adulthood (18 months) as property of an extrovert Troglodyte who frequently asked her, “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you grunting?” The couple had three children, one of whom, an introvert, had a brief career as a freelance forager.

As with most introverts, Alma never felt comfortable being the center of attention. She had good reason to feel that way after finding herself surrounded by a neighboring tribe who overreacted to her satiric cave mural, “Toothless Fools.” Fortunately, she died of old age before the horde could sacrifice her to no one in particular.

Plans are being made for Alma’s remains to be exhibited at the National Museum of Solitude and Tranquility.

Ask Mindy Menorah – My Kid Won’t Say the Darndest Things

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Dear Mindy,

Our son is an extreme introvert. He has few friends, most of whom are imaginary and not particularly friendly. He stays in his room most of the time. We have to practically beg him to join our family’s weekly Polka Trivia Night.

Things had gotten so bad we had no choice but to hire a highly-regarded introvert deprogrammer (he has his own Internet blog) who kidnapped him and kept him at his private institution in the Poconos. The results were disastrous. Our son spent most of the time taking solitary walks in the woods around the institute and having deep philosophical discussions with the other introverts. The deprogrammer brought him back unchanged. In fact, our son wants to return to the Poconos next summer for a “spiritual renewal” with his new introvert friends.

Where did we go wrong?

Flummoxed in Flicksville

Dear Flummoxed,

Introversion is not a condition that can be treated like a fear of Belgium waffles. It’s a personality trait hard-wired in a person’s brain. You may never understand your son’s introvert ways, but that doesn’t mean you can’t show you love him. Promising not to have him kidnapped and held against again his will is a good start. Also, share an activity that he enjoys like sitting alone in your bedrooms. Does your employer celebrate Take Your Introvert to Work Day? It’s a great way for your child to observe your world and then flee after five minutes.

You may never understand you son’s world but he needs your love and support, preferably in small doses from a safe distance.

Mindy Menorah, Ph.D., LCSW, AWOL is a licensed, bonded, and insured couples therapist. For 23 years she was the official Osmond family mediator.

Not-So-Great Things about Being an Introvert

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Dead Tired

  • People always ask, “Why aren’t you talking?” Particularly the person who hired you as an auctioneer.
  • Every time you tell friends you want to be alone they say, “Great, we’ll keep you company.”
  • Folks mistake your aloofness for indifference and your indifference for unfriendliness.
  • Being with a large group of people exhausts you, especially when you’re running in a marathon.
  • Co-workers assume you’re a bad leader, just because you added sitting alone to your company’s team-building exercises.
  • You have to constantly suppress your rage while explaining, yet again, that you don’t hate people.

Great Things about Being an Introvert

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introvert_01

  • You get to spend extended periods alone – until a neighbor calls 911 and reports the hermit living next door may have died.
  • You’re very self-aware of things like the sound of hair growing out of your head.
  • You’re not a snob; you have a hard time connecting with people above and beneath you.
  • Dining by yourself is great once you get past the hostess screaming, “Margery, your table-for-one is ready!!!”
  • You’re creative. You can think of countless ways to say, “I just want to go home and vegetate.”

Ask Dr. Introvert

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behind_computer

Question

Answer
Are shy people introverts? Many people are shy but shyness and introversion are two different types of personality characteristics. Extroverts can also be shy, although they prefer being in a large group of people when wetting their pants in fear.
Why are introverts so quiet? Introverts are often consumed with deep and profound thoughts like, “How can mankind sustain itself?” or “Should I order pepperoni or sausage pizza?”
Are all introverts sensitive? No, but most are. And the ones who are sensitive can easily detect mood shifts in their friends and pet turtles.
Do introverts hate people? That’s a terrible misconception. I could never like you for thinking that.
Does a person’s upbringing affect whether they will be an introvert? Only if his or her parents name them Johnny Depp or Eleanor Roosevelt.
Why do introverts dislike small talk? Introverts enjoy deeper conversation. They don’t understand that small talk will actually lead them to the bigger topics. If you want to make them feel comfortable, greet them by saying, “Hi, I’m (your name), nice Nuclear Arms Limitation Treaty Talks we’ve been having.”
Can drugs change an introvert into an extrovert? Aside from the Incredible Hulk, no.

Dr. Introvert (not her real name), a board certified psychologist, treats patients suffering from Anthropophobia, Coulrophobia, and anyone who pays in cash. She is the past president of Doctors without Borders and Ethics.

Another Introvert Sighting

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Another Introvert was spotted at a local beach.

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The lone figure appeared only for 12 hours, but scientists were able to attach an electronic tracking device. The male recluse they’ve named “Bob” exhibits classic introvert personality traits:

  • He prefers to be alone and thrives in a solitary environment. He refused to join the scientists in their daily group hug.
  • Being with people for extended periods of time drains him of energy. He needed three days to recharge after waiting in line for two hours to renew his driver’s license.
  • He finds small talk agonizing but enjoys conversing about philosophy and ideas. However, one short phrase that comes easy to him is, “Please, leave me alone.”
  • He is very self-aware. The scientists theorize it’s because he’s been obsessing about himself for the past 20 years.
  • With most strangers he’s quiet and reserved. He still has nightmares years after an unfortunate blind date with Courtney Love.
  • He is at ease with small groups of people with whom he’s familiar. In fact, he’s the life of his Kafka discussion group.
  • He always thinks about things before talking, which has led to a lot of awkward silence during phone sex.
  • Too much stimulation leaves him feeling distracted and unfocused. He always feels disoriented after anyone asks him for directions.
  • He often feels alone in a crowd. This why he always brings a book to read at flash mobs.
  • It’s easy for him to give a speech to 500 people but harder to mingle with them after. Fortunately, he has perfected his “Excuse me, I have to go feed my cat” line.

The scientists originally planned to secretly monitor the introvert for one month. However, they are extending their study to examine the cause of what appears to be the subject’s growing paranoia.

Introvert Hall of Fame Inductees Announced

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introvert_all_of_fame_02Introvert Hall of Fame executive director, Regina Reclusaconti announced this year’s inductees. Some notable honorees include:

  • Helen “Muffin” English – Longtime White House correspondent English never asked a question for 32 years until her final day when she demanded to know the location of the ladies room.
  • Thelma Anne Louise – Sears and Roebuck employee Louise is the only cashier in history to process over a million sales transactions without engaging a customer in small talk. The closest she came to idle chatter was in 1968 when she told a shopper, “Your fly is down.”
  • Myra “Cloudy” Myers –  Myers maintained a 4.00 grade point average from kindergarten through graduate school while constantly staring out the classroom window. She has since founded a charity for indigent former teachers who said she’d never amount to anything.
  • Hank “Got My Back” Reardon – The master of avoiding attention, Reardon has never met a back wall he didn’t cling to. His motto: Have obstructed view, will travel. Hank is the only chairman of a Fortune 500 company to address shareholders from a janitor’s closet.
  • Ernie “Frozen Call” Dawkins – In an unintentional groundbreaking experiment, telemarketer Dawkins proved that staring at a phone while in a cold sweat for 8 hours a day is not conducive to selling vinyl siding.
  • Cecil “Sweaty Palms” Singletary – Dating maven Singletary has driven over 100,000 miles around the city blocks to avoid arriving at singles mixers early. His circular travels also earned him an inadvertent induction into the Stalkers Hall of Fame.
  • Ilia Onandon – NPR talk show host Onandon has interviewed one guest since 1985: himself. Few will forget his 2003 Valentine’s Day discussion in which he proposed to his inner voice and was rejected.

At the honorees request, the formal induction will be conducted by registered mail.

$ol’s $uper $ilent $pecials

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salesman_01Hi Friend, You’re an intelligent introvert.

  • Do you value silence?
  • Do you desire tranquility?
  • Do you crave serenity?
  • Do you want to save money?

You’re in luck!

This week is my annual Super Silence Explosion!!!

Check out these fabulous deals:

  • $1 buys you a moment of silence without having to contemplate a dear friend or relative’s passing.
  • $5 gets you a complete trip through a supermarket checkout line without being forced to discuss dairy products with chatty shoppers.
  • $25 earns you the right to read a book on a park bench without people assuming you’re trying to be noticed.
  • $100 gives you permission to report to Homeland Security without guilt the guy who keeps going “pssssst” in the library.
  • $250 entitles you to an entire dinner without anyone asking, “Why are you do quiet?”
  • $500 purchases a roomy isolation tank with WiFi and a fully-stocked mini bar.
  • $1000 sends you to a some-expenses-paid vacation on the abandoned tropical island.

Our experienced sales staff is eager help you achieve inner calm at rock bottom prices.

So what are you waiting for? Come on down!

Introvert Myths

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introvert_myths_02

Google the word “introvert” and you’ll find countless websites waxing poetic about these moody wonders. Are they quiet spiritual souls or personality-deficient party poopers? The truth lies somewhere in between. The following clarifies a few introvert myths.

Myth Reality
Introverts are quiet because they always think about deep and spiritual things. Some introverts need a lot of time thinking about  whether to have pepperoni or sausage pizza.
Introverts hate small talk because it bores them. Some introverts love discussing how much the hosts paid for their house.
Introverts are great writers. Some introverts are great at writing home for money.
Introverts hate being in crowds. Some introverts like to rub gently against passengers on crowded subways.
Human interaction exhausts introverts. Some introverts don’t want you to know they love watching TV for hours while eating junk food.
Introverts are good at seeing the big picture. Some introverts think the big picture involves government control of our tooth paste reserves.
Introverts have a constant, rich and fascinating inner monologue. Some introverts can bore even themselves.
Introverts are very sensitive people. Some introverts will ask you to pass the ketchup while you’re telling them your dog passed away.
Introverts intrigue people. Some introverts scare people.
Introverts have the most interesting friends. Some introverts can’t distinguish between fascinating and certifiably insane.

Don’t Help! I Need Nobody

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introvert_roommate_03Cecile Sowhat

Being introverted used to bother me. As the years pass, however, I’ve grown more comfortable in my reclusive skin – even when my eczema flares up.

I used to think, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so averse to social interaction?” Then I realized the one person who can make me happy has been in my head all the time. I may seem like a quiet soul, but put me in a room with my own thoughts and you can’t shut us up.

I love sitting all day in a chair while contemplating back support and Barcaloungers. The fire department occasionally breaks down my door to see if I’m alive. That’s enough social stimulation for me.

There was a time I tried to fit in with the rest of the world. I even belonged to a sorority in college. My sisters meant well, but there’s a name for that kind of non-stop friendliness, affection and emotional support: hazing.

Relationships have always been challenging. I dated one woman for three years. We were inseparable until she returned from her job overseas. She was a great gal but I felt lost without our long periods of separation, plus I missed the mind-blowing long-distance sexting.

My parents are extroverts and have never understood me. How else can you explain them fixing me up with Frank Sinatra Jr.? (Nice guy, though. When it became obvious we weren’t hitting it off, he sent me Nancy’s phone number.) It’s only been recently I’ve been able to look at them indirectly in the eye and say, “Mom, Dad, I love you.”

A wise man – okay, a pretty bright lyricist – once said, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” For some people maybe, but not if you don’t mind a fireman’s ax crashing through your door now and then.

Cecile Singular wrote the best-selling book, Become a Millionaire without Leaving Your Closet.