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The Good, the Bad and the Friendly

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Ever heard this: “We used to be best friends. Now we’re enemies.”

How does that happen?

I’m sure no one ever said, “After my close personal friend Adolph Hitler wrote “Mein Kampf,” I told him, “That’s it, we’re not fishing chums any longer.”

It seems like half the litigants on TV court shows describe themselves as “former friends” –- former friends who now want to kick their new ex-bestie in the groin, accuse them of grand theft auto and block them on Facebook.

How do you get from “There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other” to “He slept with five of my girlfriends and sodomized my pet gerbil”? Why do some former friends have trouble picking up on subtle vibes?

I’d venture to say none of my friends would commit war crimes or hijack my Netflix account. How do I know? Well, it helps to be, at the very least, an average judge of character.

So why do friendships go from good to former? I don’t have an answer—at least an answer that doesn’t make me sound smug and self-righteous. I can only recommend that if, after an evening of heavy drinking, your good friend is still upset because you hit on his girlfriend, said sweet nothings into her nose ring, then stumbled to your car and keyed it from head to taillight, it might be time to graciously say, “I think it’s time we start seeing other friends.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

A Very Funny Book

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What if throughout history there had been late-night talk show hosts performing nightly monologues? “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages” by Ben Alper answers that question and more!

BTW: True story: This book caused Spartacus to do a spit-take.

To Live or Not to Live the Dream

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Living the dream.

It sounds wonderful. To do what you want, when you want, with no regrets.

I have always wanted to live the dream—until I discovered some of the most common dreams: falling, being chased, flying, losing teeth, being unprepared for an exam, death, being late, being naked in public, being lost, and infidelity. After reading these, I can’t stop dreaming about running naked in public while being ten minutes late for my funeral.

I thought I’d reached the point in my life where I could relax and take things one day at a time. Now, I regularly check for missing molars.

I used to dream about living on a tropical island with a bevy of beautiful island girls. Now, I dream about them spiking my coconut cocktail.

Is living the dream beyond my reach?. Perhaps I should aim lower. Maybe I should dream the possible. I dreamed I woke up this morning and had a bagel toasted almost to perfection. I like that. No one is going to rain on that parade. Or, I dreamed the construction work outside my apartment didn’t wake me from my nap. That’s doable.

I believe the lesson here is dream big, but not too big.  Live your dreams, as long as they are within your reach. Dream about a ménage à trois—as long as one of you is inflatable. Or dare I say, imagine you are watching your favorite TV show and no one tells you to change the channel.

So the lesson here is: living your dreams is possible. All you have to do is close your eyes, free your mind and think, “I must be pragmatic.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Today’s Questions Answered by Yesterday’s People

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Herman Melville – “The hardest thing about dating is finding an attractive woman who likes to talk about whaling.”

Attila the Hun – “In my free time I like invading and tap dancing.”

Jack the Ripper – “The most interesting thing about me is how I got my nickname.”

Napoleon Bonaparte – “My biggest weakness is focusing too much on my career, but those countries aren’t going to be conquered by themselves.”

Muhammad – “I try not to focus on one thing. That’s why I’m a spiritual and a political leader.”

Oedipus – “I get along fine with my mother, but I won’t lie, it can be complicated.”

Vincent van Gogh – “What was your question? I’m kind of hard of hearing.”

Alexander Graham Bell – “The most annoying thing for me is when I’m cut off while trying to send a telegraph.”

Amelia Earhart – “No, we don’t need to ask for directions.”

Charles Dickens – “She was a great kisser. She was a sloppy kisser.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Cent of a Woman

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A movie changed my life. A movie I had never, and to this day, have never seen.

A friend told me, “I saw a great film, last night. You’ve just got to see it.”

“What is it called?”

“Cent of a Woman.”

At that moment, for the first time in my life, there was clarity.

I didn’t need to buy a ticket and watch it in a theatre. Because I knew. From that point on, my life’s goal was to find a woman who had a copper coin in her purse—and then somehow convince her to go out with me. Looks, brains, good breeding were not important.

And why?

From the time I was old enough to walk, I have longed for pretty girl to look deep into my eyes and whisper, “A penny for your thoughts?”—without then asking, “Do you have change for a nickel?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Get An Inner Life Already!

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Dear Madison,

I recently met a girl online, and we agreed to meet at a local drinking establishment. It was a disaster from the start. She didn’t look anything like her profile picture, and she apparently didn’t read the part about me not being partial to Aryan Nation forehead tattoos. She droned on and on about people who drone on and on about people. She was rude to our server, and had to be restrained when she tried to send back her napkin. On top of everything else, her perfume smelled like Chanel No. No Way. Needless to say, I was counting the seconds until I could leave. Madison, why is it so hard to meet your ideal match, much less your somewhere-in-the-ballpark match?

Appalled in My Appetizer

Dear Appalled,

Why waste even a second attempting to stay engaged with your date from hell or even Hoboken when you can look inward and spend a lovely evening with the nicest and most fascinating person you know: yourself? Why listen to someone rant about how “all the good ones are married or have the wrong pronouns” when your mind could be drifting off to a tropical island or, at the very least, having a witty conversation with the alien you imagine slithering out of your date’s cleavage?

You will never meet anyone as sensitive to your needs, who understands you, who finds you more interesting than yourself. Take advantage of it. Enjoy your inner life. You deserve to be with a wonderful person like you. The next time your latest Tinder tootsie babbles on about, well, who knows what, figuratively close your eyes and whisper to yourself, “Let me tell you about my day.”

Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also the host of the cable-access cooking show, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Undecided About The Undecided

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People who are undecided about presidential and other major elections drive me crazy. The difference between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris/Joe Biden/Hillary Clinton? It’s so obvious. Why can’t they see that?

Can they not find one miniscule difference that would allow them to choose one candidate over the other? How difficult can that be?

It makes me want to explode. And then I think…about the many times in my life when I couldn’t make a decision about things that are plainly obvious to most people.

Things like what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Should I make eye contact or bend down and pretend I’m tying my shoe?

Should I sing along with everybody even though I don’t like singing along with groups of people?

When I reach a fork in the road, should I flip a coin or say “eeny, meeny, miny, moe”?

Who am I to judge?

I’m sure many annoying folks ahead of me in fast food restaurants lines, who take forever deciding between a Whopper and a Whopper with cheese, know exactly whom they’ll be voting for in the next election.

So, should I empathize with voters who cannot decide whom to check off on their ballots?

Yikes! I can’t decide!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Why I Failed as a Tour Guide

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As the sign on this house says, “George Washington slept here,” although how much he slept was questionable since he affectionately called it Tavern Wench Central.

After the Roman Colosseum was finished, it was sold to a young family starting out. However, they quickly realized it was much too big for them. Eventually, they sold it and moved into a moderate-sized mausoleum.

Over here is the work table where Alexander Graham Bell made the first collect phone call. The person receiving the call, however, refused to accept the charges.

The Tigris and Euphrates rivers were originally named Nan and Doug.

Interesting fact: I am actually a descendent of Davy Crockett. In fact, I never do my taxes each year without wearing my lucky coonskin hat.

The pyramids were actually the world’s first timeshare apartments. But sales lagged because the top units that had no stairs.

The Erie Canal was actually dug by an anal-retentive family of beavers. Their names escape me.

I’m sorry, I don’t remember much about the Alamo.

Atilla the Hun was his actual name, although he spent his life trying to convince people to call him Gary the Hun.

And now I’m going to tell you about the softer side of Adolf Hitler.

Practically no one believes President Chester B. Arthur was a crossdresser, but let me just say this: The man could fill out an evening gown.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Job Interview Questions and Topics You’ll Most Likely Never Encounter

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  • Can you explain the 25-year gap in your employment?
  • Why are you looking for a new job, and why are you constantly looking over your shoulder?
  • Where do you see yourself in three years after you’ve been downsized?
  • Describe a time you demonstrated leadership skills that didn’t involve threats of deportation or violence.
  • What is your greatest strength that doesn’t involve bench-pressing a co-worker?
  • What is your greatest weakness that doesn’t involve stealing co-workers’ food from the cafeteria refrigerator?
  • Can you talk about a time you made a mistake – aside from parking today in our CEO’s reserved space?
  • How would your boss and colleagues in the witness protection program describe you?
  • How do you deal with the pressure of stressful situations aside from banging your head on my desk?
  • What makes you unique? And keep in mind you’re the third nude applicant we’ve interviewed today.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

airbnBust Cottage Guest Book Entries – Part 2

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July 12 – July 19

We couldn’t figure out how to open the locked liquor cabinet. Fortunately, we found the crow bar.

Here’s to another great summer!

– The Perrywankle family

July 20 – July 27

Had a wonderful time! We hope the Jet Ski that crashed into the living room won’t affect our deposit.

Looking forward to our next stay

– Kris and Chris Stickles

July 28 – August 14

The cottage is so quiet and peaceful. We never heard from the family of raccoons in the washing machine except during the spin cycle.

– Tony, Toni and Little Tony Tonitelli.

August 17 – August 28

Your cottage has become our little piece of heaven. So private and secluded.  We’re going to tell all our friends in the Cali Cartel about it.

Viva La Vacation!

– The Shlomo Hernández family

August 29 – September 15

Each summer I look forward to staying at your lovely cottage on the cove. This year’s highlight was reading every back issue of Reader’s Digest.

– Celia Sonnert