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Camila Montalban, the world’s oldest introvert, has died in Bel Air, California. She was 118 and passed away while doing what she loved best, staring quietly at the ceiling.

Montalban, who attributed her longevity to sleep, eating healthy food alone, and never revealing her address to countless relatives, died at 10:38 a.m. Wednesday. She collapsed while listening to a Meals on Wheels deliveryman drone on endlessly. She never regained conciousness.

Camila was born on August 2, 1899 in San Diego, California. Her father was a Maytag washboard repairman. Her mother was an ESL teacher who taught recent immigrants Spanish. She didn’t speak her first word until age 12, later explaining, “I didn’t have anything to say.

Montalban was the member of Chula Vista Community College’s first graduating class where she majored in housewifery and minored in gazing contemplatively at sunsets.

In 1919, Montalban married Leo Rezdin, a talkative used buggy salesman. They had five children, one of whom she enjoyed conversing with. When not pretending to listen to her husband and other kids, she enjoyed rehashing arguments in her head and anxiously waiting for parties to end so she could go home. A history buff, Camilla founded a club that researched and re-enacted famous moments of silence.

With Camila Montalban’s death, the title of world’s oldest introvert now belongs to Takeo Fukuda, a 112-year-old retired male model and the only World War II Japanese solder who refused to surrender because he preferred the peace and quiet of jungle living.

Lyle Halston has been coming to Supercuts for over seven years.

No more.

The quiet, unassuming, software engineer has been told his business is no longer welcome. His crime? He never talks with his stylists.

“I realize most people like to chat with their cutter, but I can never think of anything to say,” says Halston. “I’m aware this creates nervous tension. I even once tried to ask ‘How was your weekend,’ but it felt so phony.”

“He was really creeping out the staff,” said manager Becky Nunes. “Would it kill him to talk about the weather once in a while?”

The last straw came when stylist Eddie “Snips” McCann asked Halston if he had “watched the game last night.” “He took a deep breath; it looked like he was about to speak; and then he just closed his eyes. Talk about arrogant! As God is my witness, I will never tell him to have a nice day again!”

Halston tried to make up for his quiet demeanor with extra-large tips, but it wasn’t enough for cutter Alice Beamon: “Tips are nice but they can’t compare to someone inquiring about your bunions.”

Lyle is frustrated. It’s been almost a year since he’s had a haircut, and he still hasn’t been able to find a new stylist who is amenable to his quiet nature. On the bright side, he’s channeled his anger into a new one-man show called “I Am Bigfoot.”

 

It’s very possible that Mona Lisa, the subject of Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece, was an introvert. Here is what some so-called experts, based on semi-scientific analysis of her facial expression, hazard to guess she’s thinking.

• I wish I was home by myself picking bugs out of my dinner.
• Stop looking at me, Leonardo! You’re making me feel self conscious!
• I AM SMILING!
• Please, don’t ask again if I want to take a break. This small talk is killing me.
• There must be some way I can get out of going to the unveiling dinner.
• Give it up, da Vinci. This is as smiley as I get!
• Stop complaining, Mona. At least this beats working in sales.

An Illinois high school has a found a novel way to stage the Laurents / Bernstein / Sondheim musical classic West Side Story, while avoiding ethnic stereotypes.

Alphonse Capone High School Drama Club in suburban Chicago is replacing the traditional Anglo and Puerto Rican gangs with introverts and extroverts.

“We thought this would make the play more relatable,” said Drama Club faculty advisor Ramona Proscenium. “Who doesn’t identify with the group of extroverts dancing across an alley while snapping fingers, or a group of brooding introverts sitting quietly by themselves contemplating violence at a big dance?”

Staging a musical with introvert and extrovert street gangs has not been without challenges. For example, the Introvert gang appears together throughout the show, but only for short periods of time. Said Devin Harris who plays Tony, “My character can take only so much socialization. That’s why he sings most of his songs while reading a book in his bedroom.” The rest of the Introvert gang spends much of the show off stage, trying not to be noticed.

Timothy Cranston who plays Bernardo, the leader or the Extrovert gang says his character is incapable of being alone. “That’s why he’s the last one to leave the dance. You can see the tension build when he realizes he has to dance home, snapping his fingers by himself.”

The show’s most complex charter is Maria, an ambivert portrayed by Lucy Spitsink. “I have a dual personality. One moment I feel pretty. The next I’m oh so pretty. Maria is all over the place. The toughest part is singing duets with Tony since he’s always on the other side of town in his bedroom reading a book. But that’s the magic of theater.

How will the general public react to a West Side Story with Introvert and Extrovert gangs? Ms. Proscenium has her fingers crossed. “I’m hopeful people will be open to the idea, just as I’m hopeful they’ll love next semester’s show, “The Music Transgender Man.”

West Side Story, the introvert, extrovert musical premiers this Friday. Tickets are still available. If you plan to attend with a group please avoid small talk with any introverts who are attending alone.

• You always bring your portable isolation tank to parties.
• You refuse to appear in police lineups with more than three suspects.
• You felt verklempt when your dentist said you had sensitive gums.
• You boycott drive thru windows because they’re only interested in what you want to eat and not WHY you want to eat it.
• You send your inner voice thank you notes.
• You think there are upsides to being a 750-pound shut-in.
• You belong to an introvert meetup group that has never spoken to each other.
• You have alphabetized 957 snappy comebacks to the question, “Why are you so quiet?”
• You brought a book to read at your wedding reception.
• You have fantasized about a threesome with Myers and Briggs.

1. Find out who’s interviewing you and learn everything you can about them. But don’t let them see you parked outside their house with binoculars.
2. Prepare. Write down questions you may be asked. Rehearse the answers like: “No, I’m not catatonic.” Or, “My biggest strength is my ability to answer questions I’ve barely heard because I was buried in my own thoughts.”
3. Go to as many job interviews as you can if only to practice your interview skills. Don’t stop until you can make it through one interview without perspiration stains ruining your best suit.
4. Emphasize your strengths as an introvert. For example, “If you need someone to quietly stand in the Ladies Room and make sure everyone washes their hands, I’m your woman.”
5. Only apply for introvert-friendly jobs. You’d be surprised how many intelligent, solitary souls answer want ads for Needy Reality Star Personal Assistant.
6. If making eye contact is too hard, connect with your interviewer using jazz hands.
7. When asked to list your accomplishments, avoid answers like: “Making it this far in the interview without throwing up.”

Larry, a book store manager from San Francisco, is an extreme introvert who prefers quiet evenings in his apartment alone reading and playing his recorder.

However, Larry (not his real name) has another life. He occasionally likes to explore a darker side of his introversion with the help of a dominatrix, Mistress Shtum.

“It took a long time for me to admit,” says Larry, “that there’s another side to me who enjoys being punished for being quiet. I experimented with other dominatrices, most of who were truly annoyed by my silent nature. They usually offered to punish me free of charge. Mistress Shtum understands me and my limits. As strange as it sounds, she’s the only person I feel safe with while being hogtied for not making eye contact.”

Mistress Shtum (her real name) specializes in introverted submissive fetishes. She says her introverted clients have particularly vivid fantasies. It can be anything being ordered to attend an Up With People concert wearing women’s underwear, to being strapped in a barber’s chair while talking on the phone for hours with a distant relative.

“I help my slaves explore their fears and desires. Ordering someone to hand out their business cards at a networking conference may sound cruel, but they trust me. I never have them engage in small talk with a regional sales manager without first agreeing to a safe word.”

“This lifestyle isn’t for all introverts,” says Larry. “There was a time in my life when the thought of being handcuffed to a talkative former cheerleader while trying to read a book would’ve repulsed me. I now understand there’s nothing more liberating than being totally humiliated and degraded – as long as it’s followed with lots of some quiet time.”

On June 28, 1921, illusionist, escape artist, and introvert, Harry Houdini was persuaded by his manager, Leo “Mr. 15 Percent” Lipmann to attend a party of potential investors for his next show.

Within minutes after arriving, Houdini was adrift in an ocean of adoring eyeballs. His devoted fans asked questions most believed impossible for any anti-social escapologist to answer: “How are you tonight?” “Is this your lovely wife?” “Nice straight jacket. How much did you pay for it?”

Houdini began to panic. He was packed in a crowd of strangers 20-deep and needed desperately to be alone. No introvert trapped by a mass of people this large had ever escaped. The few people who sensed his discomfort that evening believed the great Houdini had finally met his match.

…until a waiter dropped a tray of crab cakes.

As partygoers turned to watch the desperate attendant picking up the h’orderves while being flogged by the hostess, Houdini slipped silently to the floor and slithered to the bathroom where he spent the next two hours alphabetizing the medicine cabinet contents.

After three hours, a partygoer, who’d become violently ill after eating some dirty crab cakes, pounded violently on the bathroom door. Houdini dropped the magazine he’d been reading and jumped through a small second-story window. He rolled off the front sidewalk and limped to a local hospital where he was treated for dog bites and a broken ankle.

After sending his hosts a thank-you note, Harry Houdini went on to become one of the greatest escape artists of all time. He is also an inspiration for every introvert who has ever thought, “One way or another I have to escape this party.”

As a private international association offering nothing in particular to humanity, Introverts without Borders is dedicated to finding peace and quiet no matter how hostile the environment. This includes extreme poverty, war, and family reunions.

Each year its dedicated members travel the globe, fleeing large crowds and suffocating relationships, many with scant regard for their physical wellbeing.

Introverts Without Borders is open to all professions. The only requirement is a passionate desire to be alone, preferably near one or two good take-out restaurants.

Many of our members spend time in distressed populations and war zones, but only in communities that respect our space and don’t ask questions like: “Why are you so quiet?”

As volunteers, members understand the risks and dangers. They ask no compensation; only that they be allowed to sit quietly in their own thoughts or to read a book – preferably while not dodging bullets.

If you’ve ever had a desire to search the four corners of the earth for a little peace and quiet, contact us. If contacting complete strangers is not your thing, we’ll understand that too.