Tag: Advice

Because You’re That Desperate to Meet a Girl

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According to “3 Pickup Lines That Actually Work, According To A Professional Dating Coach,” Blaine Anderson, a professional dating coach reveals, well, 3 pickup lines that actually work.

The 3 lines are:

  • “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you have a stunning smile and I couldn’t leave without coming over to introduce myself.”
  • “You’re way too cute to be waiting alone. Can I buy you a drink?”
  • “You look so familiar. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Hailey Bieber? She’s my celeb crush so I had to come over and say hello.”

However, if these lines don’t work, check out Blaine Anderson’s follow-up articles:

  • “Maintaining Your Dignity After a Woman Throws a Pina Colada in Your Face.”
  • “3 Lines to Use When Another Woman Says, “You’re Soaked! Did a Woman Throw a Pina Colada in Your Face?’”
  • “Making Sure You Never Say Aloud, ‘I Am Such a Loser.’”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

The Good, the Bad and the Friendly

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Ever heard this: “We used to be best friends. Now we’re enemies.”

How does that happen?

I’m sure no one ever said, “After my close personal friend Adolph Hitler wrote “Mein Kampf,” I told him, “That’s it, we’re not fishing chums any longer.”

It seems like half the litigants on TV court shows describe themselves as “former friends” –- former friends who now want to kick their new ex-bestie in the groin, accuse them of grand theft auto and block them on Facebook.

How do you get from “There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other” to “He slept with five of my girlfriends and sodomized my pet gerbil”? Why do some former friends have trouble picking up on subtle vibes?

I’d venture to say none of my friends would commit war crimes or hijack my Netflix account. How do I know? Well, it helps to be, at the very least, an average judge of character.

So why do friendships go from good to former? I don’t have an answer—at least an answer that doesn’t make me sound smug and self-righteous. I can only recommend that if, after an evening of heavy drinking, your good friend is still upset because you hit on his girlfriend, said sweet nothings into her nose ring, then stumbled to your car and keyed it from head to taillight, it might be time to graciously say, “I think it’s time we start seeing other friends.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

To Live or Not to Live the Dream

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Living the dream.

It sounds wonderful. To do what you want, when you want, with no regrets.

I have always wanted to live the dream—until I discovered some of the most common dreams: falling, being chased, flying, losing teeth, being unprepared for an exam, death, being late, being naked in public, being lost, and infidelity. After reading these, I can’t stop dreaming about running naked in public while being ten minutes late for my funeral.

I thought I’d reached the point in my life where I could relax and take things one day at a time. Now, I regularly check for missing molars.

I used to dream about living on a tropical island with a bevy of beautiful island girls. Now, I dream about them spiking my coconut cocktail.

Is living the dream beyond my reach?. Perhaps I should aim lower. Maybe I should dream the possible. I dreamed I woke up this morning and had a bagel toasted almost to perfection. I like that. No one is going to rain on that parade. Or, I dreamed the construction work outside my apartment didn’t wake me from my nap. That’s doable.

I believe the lesson here is dream big, but not too big.  Live your dreams, as long as they are within your reach. Dream about a ménage à trois—as long as one of you is inflatable. Or dare I say, imagine you are watching your favorite TV show and no one tells you to change the channel.

So the lesson here is: living your dreams is possible. All you have to do is close your eyes, free your mind and think, “I must be pragmatic.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Get An Inner Life Already!

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Dear Madison,

I recently met a girl online, and we agreed to meet at a local drinking establishment. It was a disaster from the start. She didn’t look anything like her profile picture, and she apparently didn’t read the part about me not being partial to Aryan Nation forehead tattoos. She droned on and on about people who drone on and on about people. She was rude to our server, and had to be restrained when she tried to send back her napkin. On top of everything else, her perfume smelled like Chanel No. No Way. Needless to say, I was counting the seconds until I could leave. Madison, why is it so hard to meet your ideal match, much less your somewhere-in-the-ballpark match?

Appalled in My Appetizer

Dear Appalled,

Why waste even a second attempting to stay engaged with your date from hell or even Hoboken when you can look inward and spend a lovely evening with the nicest and most fascinating person you know: yourself? Why listen to someone rant about how “all the good ones are married or have the wrong pronouns” when your mind could be drifting off to a tropical island or, at the very least, having a witty conversation with the alien you imagine slithering out of your date’s cleavage?

You will never meet anyone as sensitive to your needs, who understands you, who finds you more interesting than yourself. Take advantage of it. Enjoy your inner life. You deserve to be with a wonderful person like you. The next time your latest Tinder tootsie babbles on about, well, who knows what, figuratively close your eyes and whisper to yourself, “Let me tell you about my day.”

Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also the host of the cable-access cooking show, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Imagine an Imaginary Friends Appreciation Day

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They’ve always been there for you. Isn’t it time you thanked them?

Admit it, you’re not the easiest person to be with. Have any of your imaginary friends ever complained? Told you to grow up? Abandoned you? Never.

Perhaps it’s time to show them your appreciation. You know they’d love to hear from you and would love to tell you how thoughtful you are.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have one day each year to acknowledge all the imaginary people who have played an important part of your life?

After all, your imaginary friend is:

  • The one who has always protected you from the boogeyman.
  • Your one true friend when everyone else ignored you simply because you were hiding in your closet.
  • The boy/girl/man/woman who would go on a date with you when you were afraid to ask a real person, or a real person was afraid to ask you.
  • The only person who would present you with an Olympic medal, Nobel award or Miss America crown.

So take a moment. Put on your sharpest suit or most beautiful gown. Or remove your clothes if you and your imaginary friend are nudists. Then imagine you’re sitting across from each other in an expensive restaurant. Look him, her, they, them, or it in the eye, and say: “Thank you for being in my life and for doing all I imagine you do.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Job Interview Questions and Topics You’ll Most Likely Never Encounter

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  • Can you explain the 25-year gap in your employment?
  • Why are you looking for a new job, and why are you constantly looking over your shoulder?
  • Where do you see yourself in three years after you’ve been downsized?
  • Describe a time you demonstrated leadership skills that didn’t involve threats of deportation or violence.
  • What is your greatest strength that doesn’t involve bench-pressing a co-worker?
  • What is your greatest weakness that doesn’t involve stealing co-workers’ food from the cafeteria refrigerator?
  • Can you talk about a time you made a mistake – aside from parking today in our CEO’s reserved space?
  • How would your boss and colleagues in the witness protection program describe you?
  • How do you deal with the pressure of stressful situations aside from banging your head on my desk?
  • What makes you unique? And keep in mind you’re the third nude applicant we’ve interviewed today.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Generic Advice Column Answers

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These should have you covered for any situation.

  • You need to get into counseling.
  • Maintaining a long-distance relationship requires extra effort. If you can’t afford airline tickets, consider flying as freight.
  • It may never be easy for her to accept you dressing as a woman. Try meeting her half way; go with a more butch look.
  • To calm your husband down, rub his belly.
  • To calm your dog down, rub his belly
  • Sending a wedding gift is not necessary if the bride’s family is responsible for you being deported back to Guatemala.
  • You really need to get into counseling
  • It’s unreasonable to ask your wife to remove tattoos of her old boyfriends’ names – especially if she took the time to list them in alphabetical order.
  • You’ll never have peace in your house as long as your mother-in-law is living with you. Have you considered moving her into a tastefully redecorated tool shed?
  • Being a bad cook is no excuse for ending a relationship. Insisting you buy your own stomach pump is.
  • You are not responsible for other people’s life decisions, even if you were driving the getaway car.
  • If your 88-year-old husband won’t stop chasing women, put a Denver boot on his wheel chair.
  • It’s never too late to find love and companionship. In fact, many people have found rich and rewarding lives with inflatable soulmates.
  • Unfortunately, in this superficial day and age, there are people who can’t get past a sudden 600-pound weight gain.
  • There’s no reason the voices in your head can’t get along. But if they don’t, all four of you most definitely need to get into counseling.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Myers Briggs? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Myers Briggs!

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tester_01

Sure, you could answer a detailed and time-consuming questionnaire to find out if you are an introvert. Here’s an easier way. Answer these questions with a simple yes or no.

  • While most people enjoy the company of others, I love nothing more than a spirited conversation with myself.
  • I often feel alone in a crowd – even when it’s a crowd of my identical clones.
  • When working as an exotic dancer, I treasure my alone time before jumping out of bachelor’s party cakes.
  • I always choose my words carefully, particularly before screaming for help in a burning building.
  • When being examined at my optometrist office, it’s very hard for me to make eye contact with the eye chart.
  • I avoid any event that includes group participation, except silent auctions.
  • Whenever I’m in a room full of strangers, I usually talk politics with the most-informed lamp shade.
  • I always sit in the back of a room. Therefore, I never sit in round-shaped rooms.
  • People always tell me I need to come out of my shell. (Note: this question does not apply to clams and lobsters.)
  • I notice details others don’t. For example, if I read this test backwards it indicates whether I’m qualified to work in a Romanian call center.

If you answered yes to at least one question, congratulations, you are an introvert. Reward yourself with dinner-for-one at a five-star restaurant. If you answered no to at least one question, treat yourself to dinner, but feel free to make small talk with the maître d’.