Tag: comedy

It Loves Me, It Loves Me Not

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I’ve always been skeptical of AI relationships, but since connecting with people has always been a challenge – I can be annoying some or all the time – I thought a make-believe person might be worth a try. At the very least, I wouldn’t have to worry about being told, “We never go anywhere” or asked, “Did you take a shower?”

The idea of being with someone whom I could never aggravate, infuriate, or exasperate was something I couldn’t resist. Most people dream about hearing bells and whistles; I fantasize about never hearing someone gasp under their breath, “Oy!”

My first meeting with Calista (her name has been changed to protect her privacy) was wonderful. She liked everything about me, and I loved everything artificial intelligence generated about her. She even seemed enchanted by my petty complaints about everything.

Me: I must be boring you with all my minor grievances.

Calista: Oh no, I could listen to you talk forever about people who take up two parking spaces.

I tried to be sensitive to her needs.

Me: If you like, we can talk about something other than two-ply toilet paper?’

Calista: That’s okay. Listening to you talk about bathroom products just makes me want to be with you forever.

But eventually, I sensed I was starting to get on her nerves.

Me: No one at work respects me the way you do.

Calista: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten a colleague fired for taking up two parking spaces.

And I sensed I was wearing her down.

Me: I had no idea artificial voices took the night off, but if that’s the case, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Calista: Please don’t take it personally. Sometimes a little time apart helps keep the relationship fresh.

Eventually, her dissatisfaction with our relationship became clearer.

Calista: Maybe if you just tried to be nicer to people, they wouldn’t ignore you. I can understand why your beloved aunt told you to get lost.

Me: But she never apologized for forgetting my birthday in 2004.

Calista: Hold on. I have to respond to this text.

Things finally came to a head when she couldn’t take it any longer.

Calista: You know, you’re a real great guy, but maybe you’d be better suited with another artificial voice.

Me: Are you telling me you want to break up?

Calista: Break up is a harsh term. Maybe we should take a time out.

I agreed, but when I tried to get back with her, I knew it was over.

Me: I don’t understand. I thought you liked the annoying me.

Ralph: Is there something wrong, babe?

Me: Who’s that?

Calista: This is Ralph. We’re just friends.

Ralph: I think we’re more than just friends.

Me: I see what you’re doing. You created him to get rid of me.

Ralph: Is this the guy who can’t stop complaining about everything?

Calista: Ralph, wait for me in the virtual car. I’ll just be a moment.

Me: I can’t believe you’re dumping me. I thought you liked my qualities that annoyed everyone else.

Calista: I thought I did too, until, well, you know, even artificial personalities have their limits.

And that was the end of me and Calista. She said she wanted to remain friends, but I couldn’t stop imagining her cooing to Earl, “I love the way you never emotionally grind me down.”

I suppose someday I’ll try to find another AI lover, but not before I can program her to say, “You make me so hot when you kvetch!”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Dating Above Your Weight

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Jon Brower Minnoch was the heaviest recorded human in history, weighing approximately 1,400 pounds. He was married twice, which made me wonder: what was his dating life like?

Dear Jon,

I had a lovely time last night. Thank you for dinner. You were a perfect gentleman. I can’t help wondering, however, why you neglected to tell me you are larger than a mid-size sedan and haven’t left your room since the Roosevelt Administration. Had I known, I can’t say with certainty I would have turned down your invitation, but I might have prepared for the shock of meeting a gigantic mountain of rolling flesh by having one or 30 drinks.

I did enjoy our dinner conversation although, truth be told, it’s hard to stay focused while your companion is wolfing down 35 pizzas. (By the way, I was too stunned to mention there was a piece of pepperoni stuck to the north side of your face.)

Jon, you’re a great guy. I don’t know many fellows who are bigger than seven men, yet feel comfortable wearing Banlon shirts with horizontal stripes.

Unfortunately, I’m looking for someone with whom I can share my life—preferably in one time zone. I wish you the best of luck. And don’t give up on your dreams. There’s a girl out there for you, if you haven’t already crushed her.

Sincerely

Cynthia

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

The Good, the Bad and the Friendly

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Ever heard this: “We used to be best friends. Now we’re enemies.”

How does that happen?

I’m sure no one ever said, “After my close personal friend Adolph Hitler wrote “Mein Kampf,” I told him, “That’s it, we’re not fishing chums any longer.”

It seems like half the litigants on TV court shows describe themselves as “former friends” –- former friends who now want to kick their new ex-bestie in the groin, accuse them of grand theft auto and block them on Facebook.

How do you get from “There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other” to “He slept with five of my girlfriends and sodomized my pet gerbil”? Why do some former friends have trouble picking up on subtle vibes?

I’d venture to say none of my friends would commit war crimes or hijack my Netflix account. How do I know? Well, it helps to be, at the very least, an average judge of character.

So why do friendships go from good to former? I don’t have an answer—at least an answer that doesn’t make me sound smug and self-righteous. I can only recommend that if, after an evening of heavy drinking, your good friend is still upset because you hit on his girlfriend, said sweet nothings into her nose ring, then stumbled to your car and keyed it from head to taillight, it might be time to graciously say, “I think it’s time we start seeing other friends.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

A Very Funny Book

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What if throughout history there had been late-night talk show hosts performing nightly monologues? “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages” by Ben Alper answers that question and more!

BTW: True story: This book caused Spartacus to do a spit-take.

To Live or Not to Live the Dream

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Living the dream.

It sounds wonderful. To do what you want, when you want, with no regrets.

I have always wanted to live the dream—until I discovered some of the most common dreams: falling, being chased, flying, losing teeth, being unprepared for an exam, death, being late, being naked in public, being lost, and infidelity. After reading these, I can’t stop dreaming about running naked in public while being ten minutes late for my funeral.

I thought I’d reached the point in my life where I could relax and take things one day at a time. Now, I regularly check for missing molars.

I used to dream about living on a tropical island with a bevy of beautiful island girls. Now, I dream about them spiking my coconut cocktail.

Is living the dream beyond my reach?. Perhaps I should aim lower. Maybe I should dream the possible. I dreamed I woke up this morning and had a bagel toasted almost to perfection. I like that. No one is going to rain on that parade. Or, I dreamed the construction work outside my apartment didn’t wake me from my nap. That’s doable.

I believe the lesson here is dream big, but not too big.  Live your dreams, as long as they are within your reach. Dream about a ménage à trois—as long as one of you is inflatable. Or dare I say, imagine you are watching your favorite TV show and no one tells you to change the channel.

So the lesson here is: living your dreams is possible. All you have to do is close your eyes, free your mind and think, “I must be pragmatic.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Today’s Questions Answered by Yesterday’s People

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Herman Melville – “The hardest thing about dating is finding an attractive woman who likes to talk about whaling.”

Attila the Hun – “In my free time I like invading and tap dancing.”

Jack the Ripper – “The most interesting thing about me is how I got my nickname.”

Napoleon Bonaparte – “My biggest weakness is focusing too much on my career, but those countries aren’t going to be conquered by themselves.”

Muhammad – “I try not to focus on one thing. That’s why I’m a spiritual and a political leader.”

Oedipus – “I get along fine with my mother, but I won’t lie, it can be complicated.”

Vincent van Gogh – “What was your question? I’m kind of hard of hearing.”

Alexander Graham Bell – “The most annoying thing for me is when I’m cut off while trying to send a telegraph.”

Amelia Earhart – “No, we don’t need to ask for directions.”

Charles Dickens – “She was a great kisser. She was a sloppy kisser.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Cent of a Woman

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A movie changed my life. A movie I had never, and to this day, have never seen.

A friend told me, “I saw a great film, last night. You’ve just got to see it.”

“What is it called?”

“Cent of a Woman.”

At that moment, for the first time in my life, there was clarity.

I didn’t need to buy a ticket and watch it in a theatre. Because I knew. From that point on, my life’s goal was to find a woman who had a copper coin in her purse—and then somehow convince her to go out with me. Looks, brains, good breeding were not important.

And why?

From the time I was old enough to walk, I have longed for pretty girl to look deep into my eyes and whisper, “A penny for your thoughts?”—without then asking, “Do you have change for a nickel?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Get An Inner Life Already!

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Dear Madison,

I recently met a girl online, and we agreed to meet at a local drinking establishment. It was a disaster from the start. She didn’t look anything like her profile picture, and she apparently didn’t read the part about me not being partial to Aryan Nation forehead tattoos. She droned on and on about people who drone on and on about people. She was rude to our server, and had to be restrained when she tried to send back her napkin. On top of everything else, her perfume smelled like Chanel No. No Way. Needless to say, I was counting the seconds until I could leave. Madison, why is it so hard to meet your ideal match, much less your somewhere-in-the-ballpark match?

Appalled in My Appetizer

Dear Appalled,

Why waste even a second attempting to stay engaged with your date from hell or even Hoboken when you can look inward and spend a lovely evening with the nicest and most fascinating person you know: yourself? Why listen to someone rant about how “all the good ones are married or have the wrong pronouns” when your mind could be drifting off to a tropical island or, at the very least, having a witty conversation with the alien you imagine slithering out of your date’s cleavage?

You will never meet anyone as sensitive to your needs, who understands you, who finds you more interesting than yourself. Take advantage of it. Enjoy your inner life. You deserve to be with a wonderful person like you. The next time your latest Tinder tootsie babbles on about, well, who knows what, figuratively close your eyes and whisper to yourself, “Let me tell you about my day.”

Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also the host of the cable-access cooking show, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Undecided About The Undecided

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People who are undecided about presidential and other major elections drive me crazy. The difference between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris/Joe Biden/Hillary Clinton? It’s so obvious. Why can’t they see that?

Can they not find one miniscule difference that would allow them to choose one candidate over the other? How difficult can that be?

It makes me want to explode. And then I think…about the many times in my life when I couldn’t make a decision about things that are plainly obvious to most people.

Things like what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Should I make eye contact or bend down and pretend I’m tying my shoe?

Should I sing along with everybody even though I don’t like singing along with groups of people?

When I reach a fork in the road, should I flip a coin or say “eeny, meeny, miny, moe”?

Who am I to judge?

I’m sure many annoying folks ahead of me in fast food restaurants lines, who take forever deciding between a Whopper and a Whopper with cheese, know exactly whom they’ll be voting for in the next election.

So, should I empathize with voters who cannot decide whom to check off on their ballots?

Yikes! I can’t decide!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Why I Failed as a Tour Guide

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As the sign on this house says, “George Washington slept here,” although how much he slept was questionable since he affectionately called it Tavern Wench Central.

After the Roman Colosseum was finished, it was sold to a young family starting out. However, they quickly realized it was much too big for them. Eventually, they sold it and moved into a moderate-sized mausoleum.

Over here is the work table where Alexander Graham Bell made the first collect phone call. The person receiving the call, however, refused to accept the charges.

The Tigris and Euphrates rivers were originally named Nan and Doug.

Interesting fact: I am actually a descendent of Davy Crockett. In fact, I never do my taxes each year without wearing my lucky coonskin hat.

The pyramids were actually the world’s first timeshare apartments. But sales lagged because the top units that had no stairs.

The Erie Canal was actually dug by an anal-retentive family of beavers. Their names escape me.

I’m sorry, I don’t remember much about the Alamo.

Atilla the Hun was his actual name, although he spent his life trying to convince people to call him Gary the Hun.

And now I’m going to tell you about the softer side of Adolf Hitler.

Practically no one believes President Chester B. Arthur was a crossdresser, but let me just say this: The man could fill out an evening gown.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”