Tag: introverts

Mining Bill Belichick’s Mind

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I’m a card-carrying introvert who speaks few words but has an inner life that can’t stop babbling. I have often wondered (to myself, of course) if former NFL great football coach, now North Carolina Tar Heels not-so-great football coach Bill Belichick’s mind works the same way. While talking – okay, mumbling – to reporters after another bone-crushing loss, could his mind be working overtime as monosyllable tidbits drop from his lips?

Coach Belichick: Questions?

Reporter: Coach, your team was losing so badly today your opponents offered to play blindfolded and hopping on one leg. Can you explain how you deal with this total ineptitude?

Belichick: There are some areas we need to work on.

Belichick to himself: The same questions week after week. Don’t these idiot reporters have anything else to ask other then, “Why did your team stink up the place?” I’ll tell you how I deal with one loss after another: I’m Bill Belichick, dammit! … Oh, come on. Who am I kidding? This was the most humiliating beating yet! …. Why did I take this job?

Belichick to reporters: Next question.

Reporter: Coach, why did your team punt three times on first downs?

Belichick to himself: Why do they always let this bozo reporter sit up front? Same with the guy sitting next to him who always reeks of B.O. I’m so tired of not breathing through my nose. And what’s with the chubby guy who always looks like he’s about to ask a question, then takes a sip of coffee?

Belichick to reporters: I think it was four times.

Belichick to himself: Dammit Bill! Focus! A few more three-word responses and you’ll be out of here.  … Oh God, I’m too old for this! I could be laying on a beach somewhere, with a nubile young girlfriend trying to sell me Girl Scout cookies. … Take another question!

Belichick to reporters: Next question.

Reporter: Bill, do you stand by your decision to hire your nephew as an assistant coach even though he said his long-term goal is raising hamsters in New Zealand?

Belichick to reporters: I treat everyone on my staff –my sons, my nephews, friends of friends, my accountant’s kids – the same.

Belichick to himself: Why can’t I say no to these people? Why did I hire my ex-wife’s new husband’s ex-con son as my defensive coordinator? And how can I concentrate when Jordon keeps texting me about shopping for thongs and end tables? Note to self: Don’t bring the phone to any more games.

Belichick to reporters: Any other questions?

Reporter: Coach, do you have any second thoughts about taking on the responsibilities of coaching a major college football team?

Belichick to reporters: No.

Belichick to himself: Jordon said it would be good for her brand. What brand? Gold Diggers R’ Us? I’m contradicting myself, but why am I even with this woman/child. She’s young enough to be my daughter’s daughter. I’ve never heard anyone say the word “like” so many times. Sometimes I want to, like hit her, like on the head to, like make her stop! Oh my God, now I’m, like saying it!

Belichick to reporters: I think that, like wraps it up.

Reporter: Any last thoughts, coach?

Belichick to reporters: On to Syracuse – and then to Target for end tables.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Row, Row, Row Your Bot

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When it comes to lovers or friends, I believe in relationships that are real, living beings I can touch and feel. No AI flings for me. That’s why I have forged a deep and meaningful friendship with the robot at my local Stop and Shop supermarket.

I don’t know his, her or its name or even its sex, but my supermarket pal is real; I can see it. I can hear it, and if I was absolutely sure it wouldn’t attack if provoked, I could touch it.

It has everything I need in a friend. I can be totally honest with it and say what’s on my mind, usually if no other shoppers are looking. And if it surreptitiously scans my credit cards and driver’s license, well, it’s only doing its job.

Like any good friend, it lets me be myself. It asks nothing of me, and I ask nothing of it. Friends, despite their best intentions, can be clingy. That’s certainly not my friend. Sometimes while I’m shopping, it approaches me, and sometimes it rolls away in another direction. I don’t take it personally. We both believe in giving each other our own space. And if it sensed I was shoplifting a can of peas, I wouldn’t be angry at it for sounding an alarm. It’s just doing its job.

Do you think I’m crazy to have a robot for a friend? I don’t. According to Merriam-Webster, a friend is “one attached to another by affection or esteem.” I think that sums up my friendship, although I think we share even more, including my blood type and social security number.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Interrupting a Blathering Express

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Note: I originally wrote this for introverts, but upon watching steam streaming from extrovert ears who also can’t get a word in edgewise, I realize it applies to everybody.

Trying to insert yourself into a conversation with some people is like driving onto a busy freeway; you’ll never make it if you strictly obey the yield sign.

Here are some simple things you can say that can make the difference between getting your two cents in or going home with change in your pocket.

To politely interrupt someone, try saying:

  • Just an observation: When you started speaking, I didn’t have a beard.
  • This is the first time I’ve seen someone’s clothes go out of style as they talked.
  • I need to speak now. My doctor says I only have seventy years to live.
  • Can we eat soon? The expiration date on my veal is approaching.
  • Hold that thought while I tear out my hair.

When someone tries to interrupt you, try saying:

  • I was polite enough to listen to your position, which I believe you began explaining during the Clinton administration.
  • Go ahead. I normally finish my thoughts in mid-sentence.
  • Can you hold off until I tell the paramedic my symptoms?
  • Stop interrupting me! You know, there are more AI boyfriends in the sea.
  • You’ll have plenty of time to speak after I finish my eulogy.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Bewitched, Bothered, and BTrumped

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Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also host of the podcast, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Dear Madison,

Help me, I’m in a horrifying relationship with a terrible man! A man I never wanted to know in the first place. Since he was elected president in 2016, I shudder just thinking about him. He won’t go away – and it keeps getting worse.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve signed petitions, marched in demonstrations, engaged in letter writing campaigns – but he’s still in my life. He makes me feel drained, belittled, and controlled by him – especially when I see billionaires, fat checks in hands, lined up to smooch his flabby bottom.

There seems to be no way to get rid of him – and I can’t stop thinking about him.

What can I do?

Insane in Indiana

Dear Insane,

Tell me about it. I totally sympathize with you. I am in a relationship with the same guy! I didn’t ask for it, either. I thought I was finally rid of him after his ninetieth indictment and fiftieth photo with Jeffrey Epstein, but he’s still in my head, no matter how many “Dear Deranged Dufus” letters I imagine writing.

Dating a bad boy is one thing, but courting a narcissistic, psychopathic, unhinged lunatic is a whole other can of worms.

I don’t know what to tell you but if you figure out how to rid yourself of this prime piece of pestilence, please let me know before I flee the country and start responding to the lovelorn from Latvia.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

My One-on-One Interview with the Man I Might Have Been

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At some point, most of us look back and ask: “Is this the life I should have lived?” To find out, I sat down and talked with the person I might have been.

Me: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me.

Man I might have been: Glad to be here.

Me: You look fabulous.

Man I might have been: I’ve always taken good care of myself. I’ve never been even one ounce overweight.

Me: Very impressive. I still promise myself to lay off the sweets and join a gym.

The question I’ve always asked myself is: Would I have been able to live the life I only dreamed about?

Man I might have been: I can only speak for me: I have, and it’s been wonderful.

Me: Good point. I’m jealous. I’ve tried to be like you, but it hasn’t been easy.

Man I might have been: No pain, no gain, my friend.

Me: I imagined being an astrophysicist married to a humanitarian-of-the-year physician with a perfect ten body. How did you do it?

Man I might have been: Very simple. Dreamers dream. Dreams just do it. I wouldn’t have won the Nobel Peace Prize for solving that mess in the Middle East if I sat around fantasizing about it. I took your dream and ran with it.

Me: A dream, I might add, you didn’t give me credit for when you accepted the award.

Man I might have been: I’m sorry, but if I’m not mistaken, you’ve also dreamed about being a selfish bastard. I won’t lie. I’ve loved being the figment of your imagination. Without you, I wouldn’t have been an astronaut and flown to Mars.

Me: I thought about that shortly after I dropped out of community college. Was there ever a time when living my dreams was a disappointment?

Man I might have been: Once. When you imagined you were a brilliant heart surgeon, then suddenly switched gears and envisioned playing fullback for the New York Giants.

Me: That’s because I suddenly remembered the sight of blood nauseates me.

Man I might have been: Let me ask you a question. Are there moments when you’re perfectly content with your actual life?

Me: Usually on Saturday mornings when I’m eating a lightly toasted bagel.

Man I might have been: Any other times?

Me: One evening in 2003 I looked in a mirror and burst into song, “You do something to me, something that simply mystifies me.”

Man I might have been: I’d kill for that moment.

Me: That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever fantasized you’d say.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

You Say Tomato and I Say. . . Potato

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Double talk from a husband-and-wife counseling team. Nils and Sherry Diaz-Arvidsen look at love from both sides now – and still can’t agree.

Dear Nils and Sherry,

Ashley and I have been dating for nine months. She’s beautiful, brilliant, sophisticated, and comes from money so old her family still uses a steam-powered ATM. She’s the perfect blend of class and sensuality. (She won the wet T-shirt contest at her dance cotillion.)

Lately though, I’m beginning to sense our differences in social standing may be affecting our relationship. She has forbidden me from driving within ten miles of her estate in my Ford Pinto. She introduces me to her friends as “my dear personal assistant.” And the only time she allows me to wear my Burger King assistant manager’s uniform is when we’re making love.

My friends keep telling me love conquers all, but aside from our common passion for albino Beanie Babies, we don’t have a lot to talk about. Is this relationship worth pursuing?

Looking up her nose in Northampton

Dear Looking,

Sherry: The differences may not be insurmountable. Just because the other person comes from a perceived higher station in life doesn’t mean they are superior to you – even though they make you feel inferior.

Nils: These feelings of inferiority may be connected to your own feelings of insecurity. Being introduced to a family of brilliant accomplished individuals can be intimidating.

Sherry: Especially when, upon introduction, you are forced to rub elbows with cold shoulders.

Nils: It is only natural that a family expecting to meet a gifted Ivy League graduate may need time adjusting to a fifth year NYU student.

Sherry: It’s also natural for lovers to support each other. Particularly when your lover’s family has just learned their beloved prodigy has chosen a partner not worthy of their pedigree.

Nils: Often, families need time to adjust to new relatives. Integrating a semi-developed adult into a delicate family dynamic can be a fragile process.

Sherry: But after ten years, you should have at least earned the right to sit at the adult’s table on Thanksgiving or be allowed to sleep in the same bedroom when visiting.

Nils: It’s also important to respect family traditions like keeping the bathroom door locked. Often, the sight of a new family member naked, shaving her legs, and singing “Cabaret” can leave an indelible image that takes years to forget.

Sherry: Much like the image of your lover’s beloved uncle exposing himself in the family gazebo.

Nils: The key is to focus on what is important in your relationship and not become obsessed with trivial issues. If not, you’ll find yourself resorting to petty and destructive tactics like withholding sex.

Sherry: Which may mean less money spent on Viagra, but more money spent on long distance calls talking to an overprotective mother who has never learned to let go.

Nils: But provides insight to help you remember the earthy charm that originally drew you to a person. Often, it’s nothing more than a primitive and unsophisticated allure clothed in a tight sweater and mini skirt.

Sherry: It’s the same kind of allure that draws an impressionable young coed to a handsome Jung-spouting teaching assistant, only to learn as the years pass, the depth of his knowledge is as deep as a fruit fly’s wading pool.

Nils: It’s not easy when your partner is more comfortable thinking in the shallow end, but people with varying degrees of intellects can have successful relationships if there are shared values and interests. If you carefully choose the right path, you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering how your hot tamale morphed into a cold fish.

Sherry: Unfortunately, alternative paths usually become evident only after many years of painful contemplation, especially when your partner’s other “path,” which he continues contemplate ad nauseum, is a junior high school classmate who hit puberty at 11.

Nils: It is important to take the time to know the other person. Does she support you or complain endlessly about being left off the croquet team at your family picnic? If she has a dark side capable of sucking the life out of you, you might consider checking out the action at your local sports bar.

Sherry: Getting to know everything about a person is not easy. Unfortunately, hiring a private detective will not help you find out if a potential spouse is destined to become an aging lothario, and gumshoes are not trained to detect mama’s boys. The key is finding a few important things on which to agree, like separate bedrooms and vacations.

Nils and Sherry Diaz-Arvidsen are relationship counselors without portfolio. They are visiting lecturers at the Santa Barbara Institute where they specialize in issues of delusion and dysfunction.

Searching for an Easier Path to Greatness? Perhaps You’re Already There.

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I was a horrible student. At what grade level? All of them.

In high school I was voted “most likely to do better if he applied himself.” Why? I’m not sure, but I’d probably know if I had applied myself.

I never thought I lacked intelligence; I was just nervous and always felt out of place. Where was the right place?  Perhaps in a state of bliss, although if that were the case, I’m certain my parents would have received a note from the head of bliss, complaining, “He’d be more blissful if he worked harder.”

I am certainly not alone in this regard. History is littered with famous folks who, absent from honor rolls and even pretty darn good rolls, managed to do alright for themselves – Thomas Edison, Richard Branson and Steve Jobs to name a few. Maybe if I stared out the window and daydreamed a little longer, I could have invented a cure for cancer.

On the other hand – the hand with more realistic expectations – I could be selling myself short. Just a few of my life’s achievements clearly show sleeping through sophomore French class was not for naught.

  • I can perfectly load a dishwasher.
  • I always sense when I’m getting on someone’s nerves.
  • I never fail to utter the perfect insult under my breath when someone standing in front of me can’t decide whether to order a Whopper or a Whopper with Cheese.
  • I always know I’m going to be rejected at mid-sentence when asking a blind date, “Would you like to go to a Renaissance Faire?”
  • I have never started a conversation with a stranger in an elevator – even one who says, “I think we’re stuck between floors.”
  • I know when milk is going bad without smelling or tasting it.
  • And I never expect to be hired after realizing my fly was unzipped during a job interview.

The lesson here is simple (I don’t think I have the concentration to grasp a complex one): If Walt Disney could barely make it through school, then go on to build an animated empire, I too can skip work, hang out with my friends and then, who knows, find a one-hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I Needed Inner Life Insurance

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I’ve always had a rich inner life. I’m constantly in touch with my true inner self; I never forget to tell me to have a nice day; and, of course, I never forget to remind my thoughts, emotions, and dreams: “No, you’re special.”

It’s because I value my inner life so much that I recently decided it was time for me to get some inner life insurance.

There are many insurance companies from which to choose, but after dreaming on it for a few months, I selected Allstate of Consciousness. It was a no-brainer, because I always go with my fantasies over my gut instincts.

After organizing my thoughts in the proper order of colors, I put on my favorite Bill Evans album, settled into my comfortable chair, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and envisioned I was meeting the salesman from Allstate of Consciousness.

As expected, he was nothing like your typical pushy insurance salesman. He was everything I wanted and needed him to be. His name was Carl. His handshake was not too firm or limp. He only cared about my needs and desires. And best of all, halfway through his softest of soft sell pitch, he said, “You know what, I’m not going to charge you anything for this policy.”

I imagined carefully reading the 1500-page policy – all fine print – and thoroughly absorbed every detail. It was as easy as imagining reading a rental car agreement. Without hesitation, I signed it.

The inner life insurance policy I selected included member, non-member and dismember benefits; income replacement for years of non-existent salary; and funds for my imaginary children’s education should I die and have no money to leave nobody. Carl also threw in protection for fatal horseshoe crab bites.

And if that wasn’t enough, Carl and I became close personal friends for life and after. How close? We swore if either of us ever moved, the other would be there to help load the moving van – with even the heavy stuff like fold-out beds.

If you have a rich inner life, I recommend getting inner life insurance. You will never regret it. But whatever you do, NEVER IMAGINE GETTING A REVERSE MORTGAGE!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Embracing Your Indecisiveness – Or Not

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Has your life been frozen in indecision? Mine too, I think.

Can’t decide whether to continue reading this? I agonized over whether to continue writing it.

If you are always unsure of everything, here is one thing of which you can be certain: You are not alone. Of that, I’m fifty percent certain.

Look around. Chances are the first person you see is wondering whether to upgrade their phone plan.

If you’re in line at McDonald’s, I bet the guy in front of you is thinking, “Should I order a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?” Eventually, he’ll give up and think, “The hell with it; I’ll order a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.”

In a world full of people who can’t make up their minds, you are just a face in the vacillating crowd.

I’m just like you. On Career Day in high school, I had no idea what I wanted to be after graduation. I lied and said I wanted to be a butler for an aging matriarch.

Here’s the only certainty: You will never be certain. Embrace your indecisiveness.

If you are a Revolutionary War reenactor, stand with pride when yelling, “Fire or don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”

When applying for a job, tell your interviewer without hesitation, “I may or may not be the right person for this position.”

When proposing marriage, tell that special gal or guy, “I’ve always wondered if you were the one for me.”

Just do it – or not. You’ve got nowhere to go but up, down, or remain in the same place.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Peddle Faster

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He finished each workout at Planet Fitness—great name for a gym; most people would have gone with Planet Fatness—with his usual twenty minutes on the elliptical machine.

Each time, he stepped off the machine at precisely 20:01.

Each time, he walked back to wipe down the machine.

Each time, as he approached the machine, he noticed a digital message urging him to “Peddle Faster.”

And each time, he thought, “It’s never enough for you.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”