Double talk from a husband-and-wife counseling team. Nils and Sherry Diaz-Arvidsen look at love from both sides now – and still can’t agree.
Dear Nils and Sherry,
Ashley and I have been dating for nine months. She’s beautiful, brilliant, sophisticated, and comes from money so old her family still uses a steam-powered ATM. She’s the perfect blend of class and sensuality. (She won the wet T-shirt contest at her dance cotillion.)
Lately though, I’m beginning to sense our differences in social standing may be affecting our relationship. She has forbidden me from driving within ten miles of her estate in my Ford Pinto. She introduces me to her friends as “my dear personal assistant.” And the only time she allows me to wear my Burger King assistant manager’s uniform is when we’re making love.
My friends keep telling me love conquers all, but aside from our common passion for albino Beanie Babies, we don’t have a lot to talk about. Is this relationship worth pursuing?
Looking up her nose in Northampton
Dear Looking,
Sherry: The differences may not be insurmountable. Just because the other person comes from a perceived higher station in life doesn’t mean they are superior to you – even though they make you feel inferior.
Nils: These feelings of inferiority may be connected to your own feelings of insecurity. Being introduced to a family of brilliant accomplished individuals can be intimidating.
Sherry: Especially when, upon introduction, you are forced to rub elbows with cold shoulders.
Nils: It is only natural that a family expecting to meet a gifted Ivy League graduate may need time adjusting to a fifth year NYU student.
Sherry: It’s also natural for lovers to support each other. Particularly when your lover’s family has just learned their beloved prodigy has chosen a partner not worthy of their pedigree.
Nils: Often, families need time to adjust to new relatives. Integrating a semi-developed adult into a delicate family dynamic can be a fragile process.
Sherry: But after ten years, you should have at least earned the right to sit at the adult’s table on Thanksgiving or be allowed to sleep in the same bedroom when visiting.
Nils: It’s also important to respect family traditions like keeping the bathroom door locked. Often, the sight of a new family member naked, shaving her legs, and singing “Cabaret” can leave an indelible image that takes years to forget.
Sherry: Much like the image of your lover’s beloved uncle exposing himself in the family gazebo.
Nils: The key is to focus on what is important in your relationship and not become obsessed with trivial issues. If not, you’ll find yourself resorting to petty and destructive tactics like withholding sex.
Sherry: Which may mean less money spent on Viagra, but more money spent on long distance calls talking to an overprotective mother who has never learned to let go.
Nils: But provides insight to help you remember the earthy charm that originally drew you to a person. Often, it’s nothing more than a primitive and unsophisticated allure clothed in a tight sweater and mini skirt.
Sherry: It’s the same kind of allure that draws an impressionable young coed to a handsome Jung-spouting teaching assistant, only to learn as the years pass, the depth of his knowledge is as deep as a fruit fly’s wading pool.
Nils: It’s not easy when your partner is more comfortable thinking in the shallow end, but people with varying degrees of intellects can have successful relationships if there are shared values and interests. If you carefully choose the right path, you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering how your hot tamale morphed into a cold fish.
Sherry: Unfortunately, alternative paths usually become evident only after many years of painful contemplation, especially when your partner’s other “path,” which he continues contemplate ad nauseum, is a junior high school classmate who hit puberty at 11.
Nils: It is important to take the time to know the other person. Does she support you or complain endlessly about being left off the croquet team at your family picnic? If she has a dark side capable of sucking the life out of you, you might consider checking out the action at your local sports bar.
Sherry: Getting to know everything about a person is not easy. Unfortunately, hiring a private detective will not help you find out if a potential spouse is destined to become an aging lothario, and gumshoes are not trained to detect mama’s boys. The key is finding a few important things on which to agree, like separate bedrooms and vacations.
Nils and Sherry Diaz-Arvidsen are relationship counselors without portfolio. They are visiting lecturers at the Santa Barbara Institute where they specialize in issues of delusion and dysfunction.
Living Inside My Head 