Category: Uncategorized

Searching for an Easier Path to Greatness? Perhaps You’re Already There.

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I was a horrible student. At what grade level? All of them.

In high school I was voted “most likely to do better if he applied himself.” Why? I’m not sure, but I’d probably know if I had applied myself.

I never thought I lacked intelligence; I was just nervous and always felt out of place. Where was the right place?  Perhaps in a state of bliss, although if that were the case, I’m certain my parents would have received a note from the head of bliss, complaining, “He’d be more blissful if he worked harder.”

I am certainly not alone in this regard. History is littered with famous folks who, absent from honor rolls and even pretty darn good rolls, managed to do alright for themselves – Thomas Edison, Richard Branson and Steve Jobs to name a few. Maybe if I stared out the window and daydreamed a little longer, I could have invented a cure for cancer.

On the other hand – the hand with more realistic expectations – I could be selling myself short. Just a few of my life’s achievements clearly show sleeping through sophomore French class was not for naught.

  • I can perfectly load a dishwasher.
  • I always sense when I’m getting on someone’s nerves.
  • I never fail to utter the perfect insult under my breath when someone standing in front of me can’t decide whether to order a Whopper or a Whopper with Cheese.
  • I always know I’m going to be rejected at mid-sentence when asking a blind date, “Would you like to go to a Renaissance Faire?”
  • I have never started a conversation with a stranger in an elevator – even one who says, “I think we’re stuck between floors.”
  • I know when milk is going bad without smelling or tasting it.
  • And I never expect to be hired after realizing my fly was unzipped during a job interview.

The lesson here is simple (I don’t think I have the concentration to grasp a complex one): If Walt Disney could barely make it through school, then go on to build an animated empire, I too can skip work, hang out with my friends and then, who knows, find a one-hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

‘Oh Trumpzilla, We Can’t Quit You – Yet’

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Donald Trump, leader of the gang that couldn’t conjugate the verb to be straight, wants to withhold funds from Harvard, rescind the University’s tax-exempt status, and is threatening to ban the school’s foreign students. He added: “Harvard is a JOKE, teaches Hate and Stupidity.” It must be true because he spelled “joke” in all CAPS.

All this – and a whole lot more – makes me wonder: When will his MAGA base begin to question his judgment, mental stability, and choice of orange bronzer?

Will it be when Trump Nation’s rationalization for his decision to deport anybody who rolls their Rs transitions from “What about Obama, Hillary, and Biden?” to “What about Martin Van Buren, James Buchanan, and Grover Cleveland?”

Will it be when Trumpers attempt to calculate their income tax using a pencil and a bottle of A1 sauce?

Or will it be when HHS Secretary RFK Jr. announces he’s discovered a cure for the heebie-jeebies?

My guess is the first signs of doubt among the Marvelous Mango’s legion will occur when Social Security payments transition from U.S. currency to slightly-used Monopoly money.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I Needed Inner Life Insurance

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I’ve always had a rich inner life. I’m constantly in touch with my true inner self; I never forget to tell me to have a nice day; and, of course, I never forget to remind my thoughts, emotions, and dreams: “No, you’re special.”

It’s because I value my inner life so much that I recently decided it was time for me to get some inner life insurance.

There are many insurance companies from which to choose, but after dreaming on it for a few months, I selected Allstate of Consciousness. It was a no-brainer, because I always go with my fantasies over my gut instincts.

After organizing my thoughts in the proper order of colors, I put on my favorite Bill Evans album, settled into my comfortable chair, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and envisioned I was meeting the salesman from Allstate of Consciousness.

As expected, he was nothing like your typical pushy insurance salesman. He was everything I wanted and needed him to be. His name was Carl. His handshake was not too firm or limp. He only cared about my needs and desires. And best of all, halfway through his softest of soft sell pitch, he said, “You know what, I’m not going to charge you anything for this policy.”

I imagined carefully reading the 1500-page policy – all fine print – and thoroughly absorbed every detail. It was as easy as imagining reading a rental car agreement. Without hesitation, I signed it.

The inner life insurance policy I selected included member, non-member and dismember benefits; income replacement for years of non-existent salary; and funds for my imaginary children’s education should I die and have no money to leave nobody. Carl also threw in protection for fatal horseshoe crab bites.

And if that wasn’t enough, Carl and I became close personal friends for life and after. How close? We swore if either of us ever moved, the other would be there to help load the moving van – with even the heavy stuff like fold-out beds.

If you have a rich inner life, I recommend getting inner life insurance. You will never regret it. But whatever you do, NEVER IMAGINE GETTING A REVERSE MORTGAGE!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Always Joe Biden’s Fault

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According to a New York Times article, “President Trump has mentioned President Biden 316 times in fifty days, mostly to blame him for things.”

A closer look, however, shows that Trump isn’t the first president to blame Joseph Biden for all of his mistakes.

  • George Washington – “I cannot tell a lie. It was Joe Biden who chopped down the cherry tree.”
  • William Henry Harrison – “But I contend that the strongest of all governments is that which is most free of Joe Biden.”
  • Zachary Taylor – “It would be judicious to act with magnanimity towards a prostrate foe – or a prostrate Joe.”
  • Abraham Lincoln – “You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time – except Joe Biden.”
  • Grover Cleveland – “Above all, tell the truth – and I’m talking to you, Joe Biden.”
  • Theodore Roosevelt – “Speak softly, but not as softly as Joe Biden.”
  • Calvin Coolidge – “The business of America is none of Joe Biden’s business.”
  • Franklin Delano Roosevelt – “The only thing we have to fear is Joe Biden himself.”
  • Richard Nixon – “I am not a crook. Joe Biden? I’m not so sure.”
  • William Jefferson Clinton – “I did not have sex with that Joe Biden”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Because You’re That Desperate to Meet a Girl

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According to “3 Pickup Lines That Actually Work, According To A Professional Dating Coach,” Blaine Anderson, a professional dating coach reveals, well, 3 pickup lines that actually work.

The 3 lines are:

  • “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you have a stunning smile and I couldn’t leave without coming over to introduce myself.”
  • “You’re way too cute to be waiting alone. Can I buy you a drink?”
  • “You look so familiar. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Hailey Bieber? She’s my celeb crush so I had to come over and say hello.”

However, if these lines don’t work, check out Blaine Anderson’s follow-up articles:

  • “Maintaining Your Dignity After a Woman Throws a Pina Colada in Your Face.”
  • “3 Lines to Use When Another Woman Says, “You’re Soaked! Did a Woman Throw a Pina Colada in Your Face?’”
  • “Making Sure You Never Say Aloud, ‘I Am Such a Loser.’”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Anger Mismanagement

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A Florida attorney attending a wedding reception became angry when two young girls cut ahead of him in the buffet line. Mark Roher approached the girls’ father and asked him to do something about it. The man ignored him, leaving Roher no choice. He grabbed the father and smashed a plate over his head, and a melee ensued.

Roher was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and was bailed out of Palm Beach County Jail after his $1,000 bond was met.

I’m not sure what Roher did after that, but I bet he didn’t go home, sit down and scream at himself: “I’m an idiot in dire need of professional help!” If past is prologue, I believe he’s just getting started. Here’s what I think his future holds:

He will find himself in a supermarket express lane behind an eighty-year-old woman with eleven cans of cat food. As his blood boils while she searches for three pennies in her change purse, he will explode and begin swatting her with a rolled-up National Enquirer magazine. He will eventually be dragged away by the store’s assistant manager, heaved into a shopping cart, and shoved out into a busy street.

Weeks later, Mr. Roher’s neighbors will descend upon his house upon seeing him wildly strangling his neighbor who borrowed his lawn mower weeks before and had not yet returned it. After pleads for him to stop fail, he will be forced to flee one of the neighbors wielding a buzzing weed wacker.

One month after that, he’ll notice a UPS delivery man casually drop a package marked “Fragile” on his front steps. An enraged Attorney Roher will attempt to give the gentleman an atomic wedgie. The driver will fight back, and the combatants will wrestle each other down the front steps, onto the lawn. The fight will conclude with both men being maced by a concerned FedEx delivery man who happened to be driving by.

Three months later, Roher will serve six months’ probation following a pickle ball ruckus.

A day after his probation ends, he will choke a Starbucks barista for misspelling “Roher” on his Pistachio Frappuccino cup.

After posting bail for the seventh time in two months, police will be called to his house after neighbors once again complain of him screaming out his window, “I’m mad as hell for no particular reason, and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

And finally, after being sentenced once again to attend an anger management class, he will be sentenced to attend a really, really, extreme anger management class.

I’d like to think there’s hope for Mr. Roher, but I’m not holding my breath. Why? Who breaks a plate over someone’s head at a wedding?

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

2024 Notable Births

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Every year, we recall famous people who have passed during the previous 12 months. But what about those born in 2024 who will go on to be famous and infamous? Here are just a few.

  • In 3024, Carl Hankman will be the first 100-year-old influencer to gain more than one trillion followers – most of them from other solar systems.
  • In 2058, Feminist Judy Anyday will become the first woman to marry a transgender robot named Laverne – only to have the marriage annulled after Laverne confesses it’s still married to a solar-powered toilet plunger.
  • In 2072, Debra Hanson will seal her role as a fashion icon when she invents the reversable thong.
  • In 2063, Neil Caron will star in Netflix’ ground-breaking 59-part documentary about a man who spends his entire life watching bread turn stale.
  • In 2031, Delores Rotenberg will become the world’s longest serving flight attendant at 106-years old – and break another record the next year by becoming the world’s longest serving flight attendant to go on maternity leave.
  • In 2052, Mets first baseman Charlie Campbell will lead his team to the World Series, then later admit an implanted android was telling him which pitches to swing at.
  • In 3012, Vincent Diorio will become the first openly heterosexual man to write a how-to sex guide for lesbians.
  • In 2058, Erin Rapoza will clone herself. She and her twin Louisa will spend the rest of their lives hopelessly trying to resolve petty issues in couples therapy.
  • In 3063, New York Times reporter Leon Yang will win his third Pulitzer Prize for his ground-breaking investigative series: “Barron Trump’s Lifelong Quest to Change His Name, Sex and Planet of Origin.”
  • In 2038, famed dermatologist Sheila Mandel will discover that Botox also makes a great dessert topping.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Do Opposites Attack?

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How bad is my dating life? According to the book “Dating for Dummies,” I should quit and read “Living Alone in a Cave for Dummies.”

Rather than throw in the towel, however, I decided to give dating one last try. But this time, I went in the opposite direction.

I created a new online dating profile that, among other things, stated I loved short walks on the beach and flashlight-lit dinners, I was a closed book, and family wasn’t important to me. Also, I was adamant about good personal hygiene being overrated.

How did it go?

Eight women, all named Karen, answered my ad. After meeting all of them, seven contacted the dating service and demanded to speak to the manager.

On the plus side, one of the Karens didn’t ask to speak to the manager until our third date after accusing me of flirting with a cute panhandler.

All in all, this was the most positive dating experience I’ve had so far. In fact, I’m now thinking about adding “my parole officer will vouch for me” to my profile.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

It Loves Me, It Loves Me Not

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I’ve always been skeptical of AI relationships, but since connecting with people has always been a challenge – I can be annoying some or all the time – I thought a make-believe person might be worth a try. At the very least, I wouldn’t have to worry about being told, “We never go anywhere” or asked, “Did you take a shower?”

The idea of being with someone whom I could never aggravate, infuriate, or exasperate was something I couldn’t resist. Most people dream about hearing bells and whistles; I fantasize about never hearing someone gasp under their breath, “Oy!”

My first meeting with Calista (her name has been changed to protect her privacy) was wonderful. She liked everything about me, and I loved everything artificial intelligence generated about her. She even seemed enchanted by my petty complaints about everything.

Me: I must be boring you with all my minor grievances.

Calista: Oh no, I could listen to you talk forever about people who take up two parking spaces.

I tried to be sensitive to her needs.

Me: If you like, we can talk about something other than two-ply toilet paper?’

Calista: That’s okay. Listening to you talk about bathroom products just makes me want to be with you forever.

But eventually, I sensed I was starting to get on her nerves.

Me: No one at work respects me the way you do.

Calista: Perhaps you shouldn’t have gotten a colleague fired for taking up two parking spaces.

And I sensed I was wearing her down.

Me: I had no idea artificial voices took the night off, but if that’s the case, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Calista: Please don’t take it personally. Sometimes a little time apart helps keep the relationship fresh.

Eventually, her dissatisfaction with our relationship became clearer.

Calista: Maybe if you just tried to be nicer to people, they wouldn’t ignore you. I can understand why your beloved aunt told you to get lost.

Me: But she never apologized for forgetting my birthday in 2004.

Calista: Hold on. I have to respond to this text.

Things finally came to a head when she couldn’t take it any longer.

Calista: You know, you’re a real great guy, but maybe you’d be better suited with another artificial voice.

Me: Are you telling me you want to break up?

Calista: Break up is a harsh term. Maybe we should take a time out.

I agreed, but when I tried to get back with her, I knew it was over.

Me: I don’t understand. I thought you liked the annoying me.

Ralph: Is there something wrong, babe?

Me: Who’s that?

Calista: This is Ralph. We’re just friends.

Ralph: I think we’re more than just friends.

Me: I see what you’re doing. You created him to get rid of me.

Ralph: Is this the guy who can’t stop complaining about everything?

Calista: Ralph, wait for me in the virtual car. I’ll just be a moment.

Me: I can’t believe you’re dumping me. I thought you liked my qualities that annoyed everyone else.

Calista: I thought I did too, until, well, you know, even artificial personalities have their limits.

And that was the end of me and Calista. She said she wanted to remain friends, but I couldn’t stop imagining her cooing to Earl, “I love the way you never emotionally grind me down.”

I suppose someday I’ll try to find another AI lover, but not before I can program her to say, “You make me so hot when you kvetch!”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Dating Above Your Weight

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Jon Brower Minnoch was the heaviest recorded human in history, weighing approximately 1,400 pounds. He was married twice, which made me wonder: what was his dating life like?

Dear Jon,

I had a lovely time last night. Thank you for dinner. You were a perfect gentleman. I can’t help wondering, however, why you neglected to tell me you are larger than a mid-size sedan and haven’t left your room since the Roosevelt Administration. Had I known, I can’t say with certainty I would have turned down your invitation, but I might have prepared for the shock of meeting a gigantic mountain of rolling flesh by having one or 30 drinks.

I did enjoy our dinner conversation although, truth be told, it’s hard to stay focused while your companion is wolfing down 35 pizzas. (By the way, I was too stunned to mention there was a piece of pepperoni stuck to the north side of your face.)

Jon, you’re a great guy. I don’t know many fellows who are bigger than seven men, yet feel comfortable wearing Banlon shirts with horizontal stripes.

Unfortunately, I’m looking for someone with whom I can share my life—preferably in one time zone. I wish you the best of luck. And don’t give up on your dreams. There’s a girl out there for you, if you haven’t already crushed her.

Sincerely

Cynthia

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”