Pre-Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries

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What was the best time of your life – high school, college, your 20s, 30s or 40s?

Many introverts would go back to a womb of one’s own.

Why?

  • It’s the only time you could relax without bracing for human interaction – unless you were a twin or part of the Octomom’s brood.
  • Being alone was as normal as avoiding eye contact with everybody and everything, mainly because there wasn’t anybody or anything.
  • Life in the womb was the first and last time you were part of the “in” crowd, albeit a very small crowd.
  • You could be unapproachable to your heart’s content because no one approached you.
  • There was no agonizing small talk. Not once did anyone ask, “Nice womb, who’s your decorator?”
  • There were no self-doubts because there wasn’t a family therapist telling your parents, “There’s something wrong with that kid.”
  • No one asked, “Why are you so quiet?” Just as well since you didn’t know how to speak.

In short, it was the most normal you will ever feel – until a doctor slapped you while attempting to make small talk.

Regrets, Don’t Have a Few

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relaxed-monkeyDo you feel being an introvert has caused you to miss good opportunities in life?

Really? Think about the bad ones you’ve avoided.

You weren’t popular in high school. But you didn’t marry Bunny the head cheerleader who now weighs 250 pounds and travels the child beauty pageant circuit with her Honey Boo Boo-ish daughter.

Your aversion to eye contact may have cost you the CEO job at your hedge fund company. It may have also saved you from an SEC indictment.

With a few more connections you might’ve found a famous film director to read your screenplay. At least you didn’t have to deal with rejection when Arnold Schwarzenegger passed on “Conan the Technical Writer.”

If you were more sociable you’d be less lonely. But you never would’ve bonded with the voice in your head.

You’ve always struggled with job interviews. In the long run, however, it forced you to pursue your real dream: freelance dulcimer player.

It’s been hard to meet men because they think you’re aloof and unapproachable. Luckily, it’s made things easier at your Sexaholics Anonymous meetings.

There’s never been a hiring demand for day dreamers. Just as well. The time sheets and weekly status meetings would’ve ruined the fun.

You may think a lifetime of sitting in the back of the room has gotten you nowhere. But it’s allowed you to flourish as an under-the-breath wise cracker extraordinaire.

Your quietness makes people feel uncomfortable. It still comes in handy on rare occasions when people misinterpret your silence for wisdom.

So maybe your life would be different if you were more sociable. But better? What could be better than sitting alone contemplating if it could be better?

Good Introvert Job / Bad Introvert Job

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Good Job for Introvert  Bad Job for Introvert 
 working_alone_01  clown-car
Enchanted forest freelance musician Carpooling clown
I contemplate beauty and nature. I contemplate extracting my nose from a colleague’s armpit.
I express myself through art. Sometimes it feels so good to beat Mr. Goobers with a rubber chicken.
I wake up at the break of dawn ready to begin my day. I hate commuting. Why do they always take the long way to the tent?
I treasure quiet moments with my dear chipmunk, Elijah. If I have to speak to one more guy with a big red nose…
Spending time alone in the woods makes me feel charged and alive. Fifteen seconds in the car with these Bozos and I’m ready to explode like a bad human cannonball.
Every creature in the forest respects my space. Every day, some clown “accidentally” grabs my groin.
When the last ray of sunlight disappears over the hills I lie back in a soft bed of moss and dream. After quitting time I’m in no mood for Karaoke Clown Night.

One Night Only! The New GroupThinkers

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group_thinkers_02“
If you’re an introvert, you should definitely miss this.” – Carl, an introvert

The New GroupThinkers have been entertaining the world for generations with their message of love, harmony, and conformity. Spend an evening watching them brainstorm, run it up the flagpole, and suppress their individual thoughts.

“Their loyalty to the group at the expense of rational decision-making is inspiring!” – Peggy Noonan

If you enjoy sitting in an open office area without privacy, you’ll love the New GroupThinkers.

“They made me understand why group cohesiveness is more important than individual expression. And I didn’t have join a cult, I think” – Christine, newest member, New GroupThinkers

Leave your thoughts, wishes, and desires behind. Let the New GroupThinkers rock you with their greatest hits:

  • Jimmy, Joey, Johnny, Jenny, Janey Crack Corn
  • Scarborough Job Fair
  • This Land Is Our Land, This Land is Our Land
  • Don’t Think Twice, We’ll Think for You
  • If We Had a Hammer
  • Where Has All Our Artificial Sweetener Gone
  • Go Tell Us on the Mountain
  • Leaving on a Jet Plane for a Team Building Weekend
  • Both Sides Now – One Side Tomorrow
  • We Shall Overcome Until We Reach a Consensus

Join the The New GroupThinkers for an evening of acquiescence and compromise. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry if that’s what everyone agrees to do.

“After an all-night discussion, my family now thinks it was the best time we’ve ever had.” Linda, Stepford, Connecticut

Finally, Protection from Seamless Conversations!

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Do you enjoy talking to more than one person at a time – but can never get a word in edgewise?

Do you wish people would stop talking for JUST 2 FREAKIN’ SECONDS so you can be heard?

ZIP IT – Extra Strength for Introverts® silences non-stop talking. Simply spray ZIP IT at the offending yakker. Then say what’s on your mind.

ZIP IT stops:

  • People who love the sound of their voice
  • Committee chairpersons who aren’t interested in what others have to say
  • Amateur orators who can never get to the point
  • Know-it-alls who could care less about your opinion
  • Repeat offenders who say the same thing over and over and over
  • Deep breathers who can speak for hours without coming up for air
  • Persons petrified of pregnant pauses

ZIP comes in two strengths: Clam Up and Put a Cork in It for family get-togethers.

Explaining Introversion to your Parents

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Being a kid is tough. Being a kid whose parents are clueless about your introversion is super tough.

You need to tell your mom and dad how you feel about being an introvert. The following lines might help them understand.

  • I’d love to hear more about the birds and bees but you’re exhausting me.
  • I never feel more alive than when I’m relaxing underneath my bed.
  • I’m not shy. Would a shy kid belong to a goth barbershop quartet?
  • I’m fairly certain puberty makes you averse to eye contact.
  • I have nothing against Grandma. I just can’t deal with her “you’re so cute” small talk.
  • Can I have 50 dollars for Meditation Camp?
  • Disneyworld is OK. I just wish it had an It’s a Solitary World After All ride.
  • There may not be an “I” in Team, but thankfully there’s one in “I”nterruptive Dance.
  • Please! I need my privacy! I’m trying to talk to myself!
  • I’m not sulking. I’m resting my face.

Question of the Week: How Did You Meet Your Inner Voice?

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Talk-to-Yourself

Patty: We met at a high school dance. Everyone ignored me. I felt lonely and depressed until I heard myself say, “Patty, the heck with them, let’s go home and read Anne of Green Gables.  We’ve been inseparable ever since.

Leo: I was lying in a large maternity ward wondering why I felt alone in the crowd. Out of nowhere a voice in my head began to speak: “Stop crying you babies, I’m trying to sleep; this kid next to me looks like he’s going to have a weight problem; where are my parents?”

Bob: In kindergarten, Donna Wheelwright told everyone I wet my blanket during nap time. I screamed to myself, “That’s not true, you made that up” continually for the next 22 years. It’s nice to know I can talk to me about anything.

Jesus Christ: I was going through some tough times and asked myself, “What would Jesus do?” The rest, as they say, is history.

Neil: Another voice in my head fixed us up. At first I thought I was full of myself and vain. Now I see it was my way of hiding my insecurities. I’ve really grown to love me.

Hillary: I was staring out the window during a Philosophy class at Wellesley College. The wind blew a wave of leaves across the Quad and I said to myself: “Marry a scoundrel and then eventually run for president.”

Candace: After grad school, I drove non-stop across the county in my old beat-up car to begin a job in San Diego. My new company refused to pay my moving expenses and I spent the entire trip cursing the head of H.R. This angry voice has become my closest friend in the business world.

 

Introvert’s Best Friend

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Shorty_01
All types of people love dogs. Do introverts have a particular relationship with our furry four-legged friends? Perhaps. Here’s why:

People Dogs
A stranger will corner you at a party with an interminable story about his family’s trip to Disneyworld. A dog will never bore you about the fantastic butt he just sniffed.
It’s hard to concentrate while your workmates high five the daily doughnut arrival. It’s easy to have a three-way conversation with yourself while your dog sleeps peacefully at your feet.
Constantly being asked, “Why are you so quiet?” wears you down. Feed your dog plenty of treats and he’ll gladly leave you to your thoughts.
You always feel alone in a crowd, particularly if you’ve been dragged to an “Up with People Legends in Caucasian Rap” concert. You’ll never feel closer to your dog than while watching him pee on your nosey neighbor’s prized carnations.
It bothers people that you’re easily distracted. Squirrel!
Extroverts don’t understand how introverts can lay around doing nothing, as if spending a weekend watching a spider spin a web is doing nothing. No one understands the value of doing nothing more than an animal that sleeps 18 hours a day.

Nice party, Now I’m Ready to Leave

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boring-dinnerAll introverts have been there. You go to a party. After a short time, you’ve had enough socialization and agonizing small talk. You’re ready to leave, but your extrovert friend and ride for the evening is having the time of her life. Here are some lines guaranteed to get her out the door pronto.

  • Your friend’s grandfather wants to know if you’re up for a game of Spin the Bottle.
  • I bet your boss would be interested in my multi-level marketing plan.
  • I think I’ll check out the host’s medicine cabinet.
  • I know she’s a nun but I think she really wants me.
  • Here’s something you’ve never seen anybody do with a stuffed shrimp.
  • I’m going to punch the next person who asks what I do for a living.
  • Tonight’s the night I finally open up about my painful rectal itch.
  • I’ve narrowed the guests down to three potential sperm donors.
  • I think I’m going to lie down under that pile of coats.
  • This party could use some serious yodeling.

He’s Just Not That Into all of You

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12-angry-menWe invited the new guy at work to Karaoke Night. He did a spot-on version of “Alone Again Naturally.” We asked him to join us in “Macho Man” but he politely declined and went home to feed his cat. We’ve also asked him to Kazakhstan Folk Dancing Night and Greco Roman Jell-O Wrestling Night. Each time he said no. He’s a nice guy and we want him to be part of our gang. Does he hate us?

He’s just not that into all of you. He’s an introvert. If you want to spend more time with him suggest something he might enjoy; for example, contemplating climate change.

We had a wonderful orgy last week. Everything was perfect, from the buffet to the complimentary Moist Towelettes. However, there was one woman who just sat by herself and didn’t want to join us (literally). We suspect she’s seeing other orgies. Why doesn’t she want to join our evening of debauchery?

She’s just not that into all of you. She’s an introvert. Quiet threesomes are probably more her thing.

For 17 years I’ve had a long-distance relationship with a Tibetan monk. For the past eight years he’s promised to join me on the road with my three sisters. We’re professional groupies for a Spinal Tap tribute band. But he always cancels with some lame excuse like “I’ve never traveled outside my village” or “The loudest noise I can tolerate is the sound of a rain drop touching a leaf.” Why won’t he meet me and my sisters? Could he be gay?

He’s just not that into all of you. He’s an introvert. Tibetan monk life-of-the-parties are uncommon. Try a lapsed evangelical Christian.

We had a new volunteer at our food bank. Everyone loved her. She was friendly and really knew her expiration dates. After a while, though, she became distant. She appeared lost in her thoughts, her high-fives lacked enthusiasm, and would only mouth the Tuna Can Sort Song. Eventually she stopped volunteering. We think she has non-profit organization commitment issues. How do we convince her she needs us?

She’s just not that into all of you. She’s an introvert. Have you considered letting her distribute pallets of bread from her apartment?