Tag: Advice

The Three Phases of Online Dating

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Dante divided hell into 10 levels. Fortunately for Online dating, there are only three phases to traverse (four if you count making bail).

Phase 1. Writing or responding to a personal ad

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, the duck may still describe herself as a Margot Robbie look-alike.

He (Erskine Tribble) describes himself as: “Handsome captain of industry with six-pack abs and a winning smile (I have the trophies to prove it) seeking beautiful woman to share quiet times in my fully-staffed quarter-mile long yacht.”

She (Zelda Hadley) describes herself as: “Former super model, current super-duper model seeking sensitive, caring, hunky billionaire willing to open his heart and bank account.”

Phase 2. Corresponding online

The dance of the veiled texts and e-mails can be a treacherous tango – particularly when a personal ad photo was taken from a satellite.

He says: “Dear Zelda, I look forward to the day when we will finally meet in person. Business is going well here in London. However, I should warn you: Due to security reasons, when we finally meet, I will appear shorter, fatter, and have less hair than previously described. By the way, have you finished your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit photo shoot? – Faithfully yours, Erskine.”

She says: “Dearest Erskine, Even though we’ve never actually met in person, I count the minutes we’re apart. I look forward to the day when we’ll cruise the globe in your quarter-mile long yacht. (Have the authorities tracked down the pirates who stole it?) The photo shoot went well, though the location was switched to Canton, Ohio. I should also warn you that I had to put on 75 pounds to audition for the starring role in “The Shelly Winters Story,” but I joined a gym and will be down to my normal 95 pounds in no time. — Miss you, Zelda.”

Phase 3. Googling a background check

You desperately want to believe you’ve discovered a diamond in the rough, but a tiny voice in the back of your head keeps saying you must check for roughage.

He Googled: Zelda Hadley

PMS Quarterly – …most severe case was recorded in 2022 when a team of 10 doctors and nurses were needed to restrain Zelda Hadley for three consecutive days…

Woman Arrested for Violating Restraining Order – …Zelda Hadley, an ex-girlfriend of Hawkins, denied slashing his tires and throwing a brick through his living room window. Hadley was taken into custody and later released on bail…

UFO Abductions of 2024 – …final speaker of the evening was Zelda Hadley who talked about her three alien abductions in 1993, 2006, and 2021…

Man Accuses Date of Stealing Wallet – …the accused, Zelda Hadley, claimed the entire incident was a misunderstanding. The couple met on perfectmates.com, an online dating service. Medvig has refused to drop the charges. “There is still $100 missing”…

Official Stephen Miller Fan Club Web Site – …was enthusiastically attended by eight members. President Zelda Hadley called the meeting to order…

She Googled: Erskine Tribble

Norfolk D.A. Lists Top Deadbeat Dads – …Phillip Scrimshaw, Neil Most, Fred Robinson, Erskine Tribble, Floyd Remley…

Firemen Remove Wall to Evacuate 900lb Man – …Tribble hadn’t left his bedroom in two years. Domino’s Pizza deliveryman Salvatore Martinez was visibly distraught. “Erskine was my best customer. How am I going to pay for my kid’s college tuition?”…

Last remaining Blockbuster video store sues final 2 customers for overdue video rentals – …Mary Cunningham – Police Academy III, Ghostbusters | Erskine Tribble – Star Whores, Finding Nympho, Spank Her Doodle Dandy…

Beware of Investment Scams – … “I gave all of my life savings to Mr. Tribble, and now it’s gone. I’m 75-years old and penniless.” The SEC has launched an investigation of Erskine Tribble Partners as well as the Erskine Tribble Hair Growth Center….

Eva Marie Saint Stalker Convicted – …”He made my life a living nightmare and all he gets is probation? Erskine Tribble should be forced to live through the hell he put me through.” cried the tearful 101-year-old film legend. Tribble’s lawyer, Wilbur Wainwright, maintained his client’s innocence and vowed to appeal the…

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Interrupting a Blathering Express

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Note: I originally wrote this for introverts, but upon watching steam streaming from extrovert ears who also can’t get a word in edgewise, I realize it applies to everybody.

Trying to insert yourself into a conversation with some people is like driving onto a busy freeway; you’ll never make it if you strictly obey the yield sign.

Here are some simple things you can say that can make the difference between getting your two cents in or going home with change in your pocket.

To politely interrupt someone, try saying:

  • Just an observation: When you started speaking, I didn’t have a beard.
  • This is the first time I’ve seen someone’s clothes go out of style as they talked.
  • I need to speak now. My doctor says I only have seventy years to live.
  • Can we eat soon? The expiration date on my veal is approaching.
  • Hold that thought while I tear out my hair.

When someone tries to interrupt you, try saying:

  • I was polite enough to listen to your position, which I believe you began explaining during the Clinton administration.
  • Go ahead. I normally finish my thoughts in mid-sentence.
  • Can you hold off until I tell the paramedic my symptoms?
  • Stop interrupting me! You know, there are more AI boyfriends in the sea.
  • You’ll have plenty of time to speak after I finish my eulogy.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Officer, Do You Know Who I Am?

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Are you a self-important and intoxicated person who has considered slurring “Do you know who I am?” while being arrested? Before body cam footage of the incident ends up on a TMZ video segment, consider these less direct rejoinders to deal with the situation.

  • “Do you know who I was when starting out and the world looked bright and hopeful?”
  • “Do you know who I’ll be after my sex change operation?”
  • “Do you remember when we were young politicians and cops without a care in the world?”
  • “Do you know who I’d be if I had studied harder in school and applied myself?”
  • “Do you know the way to San Jose?”
  • “Do you know you’re kind of cute when you wrestle a suspect to the ground?”
  • “Do you know you’re not the first person to suggest I have a drinking problem?”
  • “Do you have a gun in your holster, or are you just pleased to see me?”
  • “Do you have any helpful tips on passing sobriety tests?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”.

Bewitched, Bothered, and BTrumped

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Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also host of the podcast, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Dear Madison,

Help me, I’m in a horrifying relationship with a terrible man! A man I never wanted to know in the first place. Since he was elected president in 2016, I shudder just thinking about him. He won’t go away – and it keeps getting worse.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve signed petitions, marched in demonstrations, engaged in letter writing campaigns – but he’s still in my life. He makes me feel drained, belittled, and controlled by him – especially when I see billionaires, fat checks in hands, lined up to smooch his flabby bottom.

There seems to be no way to get rid of him – and I can’t stop thinking about him.

What can I do?

Insane in Indiana

Dear Insane,

Tell me about it. I totally sympathize with you. I am in a relationship with the same guy! I didn’t ask for it, either. I thought I was finally rid of him after his ninetieth indictment and fiftieth photo with Jeffrey Epstein, but he’s still in my head, no matter how many “Dear Deranged Dufus” letters I imagine writing.

Dating a bad boy is one thing, but courting a narcissistic, psychopathic, unhinged lunatic is a whole other can of worms.

I don’t know what to tell you but if you figure out how to rid yourself of this prime piece of pestilence, please let me know before I flee the country and start responding to the lovelorn from Latvia.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Degeneration of Generations

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According to an article in Your Tango, some Gen X bosses can be annoyed by their Gen Z workers, and wish they would stop saying things such as:

  • “I was only a few minutes late.”
  • “That’s not my problem.”
  • “Sorry, I’m just not a morning person.”
  • “I don’t do well under pressure.”
  • “I’ll finish this whenever I get to it.”
  • “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Can we take a pause?”

Annoying yes, but don’t assume this started with Gen Z. Here’s what aggravated Missionary Generation (born between 1883 and 1900) bosses thought about their Lost Generation (born between 1900 and 1927) workers:

  • “They won’t stop stewing in their disillusionment with pre-war values and societal norms, and just clean the damn bathrooms.”
  • “Every time I ask for a status report, I get a lecture on what Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald told them about surrealism, and dadaism.”

Here’s what some Lost Generation bosses said about their Greatest Generation (born between 1901 and 1927) workers:

  • “Not exactly the greatest when it comes to showing up for work on time.”
  • “I’m not questioning his patriotism, but is it asking too much for him to correctly spell “patriotism?”

And here’s what some Greatest Generation bosses said about their Silent Generation (born between 1928 and 1945) workers:

  • I wish Mr. Silent Generation would quit yakking on the phone and silently focus on his job.
  • I never hear peep from them when I ask for volunteers.

In conclusion, don’t’ be so hard on Gen Z workers. It won’t be long before they’ll be complaining about their Gen Alpha (born between 2011 and 2024) workers.

  • “She’s on the phone with her AI boyfriend all day and tried to get him added to the company payroll.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Bennett There, Done That

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Pro golfer Scottie Scheffler’s cute 14-month-old son Bennett may have stolen the show after his father won the British Open, but he has no idea what’s in store for him. Not because his father is a famous athlete, but because he is cursed with the first name, Bennett.

Take it from one Bennett to another: Life is not easy when most people cannot distinguish between your first and last name.

For me, it started in grade school when teachers asked, “Is Bennett your last name?” – until just days ago when a phone solicitor politely queried, “Am I speaking to Mr. Bennett?” I’m sure no one ever asked, “Am I speaking to Mr. Tony, Mr. Bennett Tony?”

And I have no doubt if I signed the Declaration of Independence, someone would have complained: “Hey Founder brain, it’s not Hancock, John and it’s not Bennett, Alper!”

When I was a young Bennett, the only other person with Bennett as a first name that I knew of was writer, publisher and all-around witty guy, Bennett Cerf – a Bennett, by the way, whose secretary was my wife’s mother, who no doubt would’ve been docked a week’s pay if she asked, “Is it Bennett Cerf of Cerf Bennett?” But he was a Bennett I viewed as more an exception than the rule.

This confusion with my first and last names reached a boiling point in high school when a new teacher asked, “Is Alper your first name?” What the hell, I thought, I answered, “Yes, my name is Al, Al Bennett.” For the rest of the semester, each time he called me Al, the class would burst into laughter. It was my first and last gig as a standup comic.

At some point, I gave up and began calling myself Ben – just like another not-so-well-known Bennett, Bennett Cohen of Ben and Jerry’s. This has reduced a lot of explanation time, although now I occasionally hear, “Do you know there’s actually a guy named Bennett Alper?”

So little Bennett Scheffler, enjoy your carefree adorable days while you can; it won’t be long before a daycare teacher scans her class list and asks, “Scheffler? Is there a Scheffler Bennett here?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

You Say Tomato and I Say. . . Potato

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Double talk from a husband-and-wife counseling team. Nils and Sherry Diaz-Arvidsen look at love from both sides now – and still can’t agree.

Dear Nils and Sherry,

Ashley and I have been dating for nine months. She’s beautiful, brilliant, sophisticated, and comes from money so old her family still uses a steam-powered ATM. She’s the perfect blend of class and sensuality. (She won the wet T-shirt contest at her dance cotillion.)

Lately though, I’m beginning to sense our differences in social standing may be affecting our relationship. She has forbidden me from driving within ten miles of her estate in my Ford Pinto. She introduces me to her friends as “my dear personal assistant.” And the only time she allows me to wear my Burger King assistant manager’s uniform is when we’re making love.

My friends keep telling me love conquers all, but aside from our common passion for albino Beanie Babies, we don’t have a lot to talk about. Is this relationship worth pursuing?

Looking up her nose in Northampton

Dear Looking,

Sherry: The differences may not be insurmountable. Just because the other person comes from a perceived higher station in life doesn’t mean they are superior to you – even though they make you feel inferior.

Nils: These feelings of inferiority may be connected to your own feelings of insecurity. Being introduced to a family of brilliant accomplished individuals can be intimidating.

Sherry: Especially when, upon introduction, you are forced to rub elbows with cold shoulders.

Nils: It is only natural that a family expecting to meet a gifted Ivy League graduate may need time adjusting to a fifth year NYU student.

Sherry: It’s also natural for lovers to support each other. Particularly when your lover’s family has just learned their beloved prodigy has chosen a partner not worthy of their pedigree.

Nils: Often, families need time to adjust to new relatives. Integrating a semi-developed adult into a delicate family dynamic can be a fragile process.

Sherry: But after ten years, you should have at least earned the right to sit at the adult’s table on Thanksgiving or be allowed to sleep in the same bedroom when visiting.

Nils: It’s also important to respect family traditions like keeping the bathroom door locked. Often, the sight of a new family member naked, shaving her legs, and singing “Cabaret” can leave an indelible image that takes years to forget.

Sherry: Much like the image of your lover’s beloved uncle exposing himself in the family gazebo.

Nils: The key is to focus on what is important in your relationship and not become obsessed with trivial issues. If not, you’ll find yourself resorting to petty and destructive tactics like withholding sex.

Sherry: Which may mean less money spent on Viagra, but more money spent on long distance calls talking to an overprotective mother who has never learned to let go.

Nils: But provides insight to help you remember the earthy charm that originally drew you to a person. Often, it’s nothing more than a primitive and unsophisticated allure clothed in a tight sweater and mini skirt.

Sherry: It’s the same kind of allure that draws an impressionable young coed to a handsome Jung-spouting teaching assistant, only to learn as the years pass, the depth of his knowledge is as deep as a fruit fly’s wading pool.

Nils: It’s not easy when your partner is more comfortable thinking in the shallow end, but people with varying degrees of intellects can have successful relationships if there are shared values and interests. If you carefully choose the right path, you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering how your hot tamale morphed into a cold fish.

Sherry: Unfortunately, alternative paths usually become evident only after many years of painful contemplation, especially when your partner’s other “path,” which he continues contemplate ad nauseum, is a junior high school classmate who hit puberty at 11.

Nils: It is important to take the time to know the other person. Does she support you or complain endlessly about being left off the croquet team at your family picnic? If she has a dark side capable of sucking the life out of you, you might consider checking out the action at your local sports bar.

Sherry: Getting to know everything about a person is not easy. Unfortunately, hiring a private detective will not help you find out if a potential spouse is destined to become an aging lothario, and gumshoes are not trained to detect mama’s boys. The key is finding a few important things on which to agree, like separate bedrooms and vacations.

Nils and Sherry Diaz-Arvidsen are relationship counselors without portfolio. They are visiting lecturers at the Santa Barbara Institute where they specialize in issues of delusion and dysfunction.

How to Get Your Letter to the Editor Published

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You want to respond to an article you’ve read in a newspaper or magazine. How can you increase the chances your thoughtful and compelling letter will be published? Rule number one: It is always about you. Here are some examples:

  • Having lived my life as a modern interpretive dancer trapped in the body of a certified public accountant, I question writer Phyllis Foster’s thesis that people who can’t balance their checkbook are pansexual.
  • Your profile of football legend Johnny Unitas brought back memories of the time I dropped acid with Bart Starr.
  • As someone who was abducted by space aliens and endured six months of daily full-body cavity searches, I agree with Dr. Ross Sturgeon’s guidance in his piece, “The Importance of Regular Colonoscopy Screening for Colorectal Cancer.”
  • I am a direct descendent of one of Julias Ceaser’s illegitimate children, and totally disagree with the article, “Lizzie Borden’s Parents Had It Coming.”
  • Gerhard Flixter’s flawless coverage of high school marching bands brought back visceral memories of tuba jam sessions during my 90s youth in Knockemstiff, Ohio.
  • Kelefa Sanneh’s insightful deep dive into the world of septic tank construction and maintenance omitted mention of my great great grandfather, Leon Flushman, the inventor of the outlet pipe.
  • I was delighted to read Nora Plotsky’s brilliant piece on 1940s film stars who could not roll their Rs. As the speech coach who taught Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to sing without a lisp, I only wish I could have been there to help Lauren Bacall master “Ay, caramba!”
  • Being custodian of the letters from the Ty-D-Bol Man, I take issue with the recent piece, “A Custodian of Letters is Nothing More Than an Exalted Janitor.”
  • Loraine Kimblebee’s thoughtful meditation on underwater karaoke clubs reminded me of the time oceanographer Jacques Cousteau bet me I couldn’t gargle a mouthful of goldfish.
  • When I began a long-term relationship with journalist Leon Paxton, I didn’t realize I would become the subject of his three-part series, “A Ravishing Chatbot Named Zelda Destroyed My Marriage.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

I Needed Inner Life Insurance

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I’ve always had a rich inner life. I’m constantly in touch with my true inner self; I never forget to tell me to have a nice day; and, of course, I never forget to remind my thoughts, emotions, and dreams: “No, you’re special.”

It’s because I value my inner life so much that I recently decided it was time for me to get some inner life insurance.

There are many insurance companies from which to choose, but after dreaming on it for a few months, I selected Allstate of Consciousness. It was a no-brainer, because I always go with my fantasies over my gut instincts.

After organizing my thoughts in the proper order of colors, I put on my favorite Bill Evans album, settled into my comfortable chair, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and envisioned I was meeting the salesman from Allstate of Consciousness.

As expected, he was nothing like your typical pushy insurance salesman. He was everything I wanted and needed him to be. His name was Carl. His handshake was not too firm or limp. He only cared about my needs and desires. And best of all, halfway through his softest of soft sell pitch, he said, “You know what, I’m not going to charge you anything for this policy.”

I imagined carefully reading the 1500-page policy – all fine print – and thoroughly absorbed every detail. It was as easy as imagining reading a rental car agreement. Without hesitation, I signed it.

The inner life insurance policy I selected included member, non-member and dismember benefits; income replacement for years of non-existent salary; and funds for my imaginary children’s education should I die and have no money to leave nobody. Carl also threw in protection for fatal horseshoe crab bites.

And if that wasn’t enough, Carl and I became close personal friends for life and after. How close? We swore if either of us ever moved, the other would be there to help load the moving van – with even the heavy stuff like fold-out beds.

If you have a rich inner life, I recommend getting inner life insurance. You will never regret it. But whatever you do, NEVER IMAGINE GETTING A REVERSE MORTGAGE!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Embracing Your Indecisiveness – Or Not

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Has your life been frozen in indecision? Mine too, I think.

Can’t decide whether to continue reading this? I agonized over whether to continue writing it.

If you are always unsure of everything, here is one thing of which you can be certain: You are not alone. Of that, I’m fifty percent certain.

Look around. Chances are the first person you see is wondering whether to upgrade their phone plan.

If you’re in line at McDonald’s, I bet the guy in front of you is thinking, “Should I order a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?” Eventually, he’ll give up and think, “The hell with it; I’ll order a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.”

In a world full of people who can’t make up their minds, you are just a face in the vacillating crowd.

I’m just like you. On Career Day in high school, I had no idea what I wanted to be after graduation. I lied and said I wanted to be a butler for an aging matriarch.

Here’s the only certainty: You will never be certain. Embrace your indecisiveness.

If you are a Revolutionary War reenactor, stand with pride when yelling, “Fire or don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”

When applying for a job, tell your interviewer without hesitation, “I may or may not be the right person for this position.”

When proposing marriage, tell that special gal or guy, “I’ve always wondered if you were the one for me.”

Just do it – or not. You’ve got nowhere to go but up, down, or remain in the same place.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”