Tag: introverts

Is Gluten Making You an Introvert?

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Dr. Menachem Fakakta

Are you an introvert? Do you eat food containing gluten? Bingo! There’s your problem.

I’ve been treating people with Celiac disease (a condition in which the small intestine cannot digest gluten) for years. Extensive anecdotal evidence indicates a gluten-free diet can cure introversion and many other conditions including:

  • Homophobia
  • Pyromania
  • Beatlemania
  • Introspection
  • Contemplation
  • Heebie-jeebies
  • Stockholm Syndrome
  • Cablevision
  • Ethnocentrism
  • Plagiarism

An introvert who changes to a gluten-free diet will notice immediate changes:

  • Small talk becomes easier. You’ll have no problem babbling endlessly about how you’d kill for a doughnut.
  • The fear of large groups of people will be replaced by fear that you’ll never eat another delicious bowl of pasta.
  • At meetings, you’ll stop sitting in the back of the room and start sitting near the pastry tray.
  • You’ll have fewer running inner monologues and more outer running monologues: “I remember pizza and Doritos and cake and…”
  • You’ll come out of your shell, asking anyone if they know of a cannoli shell that doesn’t taste like cardboard.

Warning: Changing to a gluten-free diet can cause side effects such as loss of joie de vivre, compulsive gambling, and temporary or permanent loss of life.

Dr. Menachem Fakakta is licensed to practice medicine in 7 Third World countries. He is the author of the humorous surgical textbook, “I know I Left that Scalpel Somewhere.”

Can You Fake Being an Extrovert?

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SquarePegRoundHoleGuyBeing an introvert is great, but not during your company’s day-long “Get to Know Your Assistant Sales Manager” seminar.

Some experts believe introverts can fit better in extrovert situations by pretending to be extroverts. These experts also believe you can train a cocker spaniel to make a great cup of cappuccino.

Should you try being an extrovert just to fit in? Not if you’re comfortable in your solitary skin. The world can never have enough quiet souls in the back of the room, mumbling: “We work hard, play hard and kiss boss’ butt hard.”

But if you think acting like an extrovert will help get you through the day, get a promotion, or get to first base with Sally in Sales, here are some tips to guide you:

  • Proper body language is key to being a good extrovert. Stand up straight and lean into conversations. Extroverts love to guess what the other person had for lunch. Plus, “Would you like a breath mint?” is a great conversation starter.
  • Gesture a lot, the broader the better. It may be hard at first. Pretend you’re guiding a jet plane to the terminal.
  • Smile. Extroverts are drawn to beaming faces. But be careful: A sudden transformation from sullen data analyst to Cheery Charlie can raise suspicions about psychotropic medication changes.
  • Show you’re genuinely interested in others. Ask people what they think. Tip: Don’t walk away before they answer.
  • Get people to talk about themselves. You’ll feel more connected. However, a word of warning: Listening to someone talk about their fifteenth trip to Disneyworld may not be easy. Keep your cell phone handy for a fake emergency call.

Pretending to be an extrovert requires practice. Here’s a helpful way to rehearse your conversations: Go to a large apartment building, press the door buttons, and ask each inhabitant over the intercom, “What do you do for a living?” Review your conversations as you’re sprinting away.

Not every introvert can pretend to go both ways. Remember: You’re still a fabulous person. Well, maybe not if you’re a criminal or a politician but you get the point.

NFL Prospect Announces He’s an Introvert

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footballLeon “Sawzall” Sanders, a bruising linebacker for the Alaska State University Salmon, announced Tuesday he is an introvert.

The NFL prospect is poised to become the league’s first openly introvert player.

“I understand the implications,” he said. “No one has done this before. But if it’s going to be me, then so be it…Hopefully with a minimum of high-fiving and butt slapping.”

Sanders said he first suspected he was an introvert in the second grade when he faked a stomach ache to avoid playing Ring Around the Rosie. “People have always assumed I’m aloof, arrogant, and standoffish. Actually, that part is true.”

Some experts think Sanders’s announcement could lower his selection in the draft. Said an NFL scout, “A lot of players won’t like the idea of showering with someone who doesn’t make eye contact.” Added a players’ agent, “Most of my clients are conceited, spoiled a-holes, but at least they’re friendly when you bail them out of jail. I’m not sure the league is ready for a player who can’t fake humility at the ESPY Awards.”

The NFL released a statement in support of Sanders: “We admire Leon Sanders’ honesty and courage. The league has come a long way since Commissioner Pete Rozelle’s infamous and unfortunate observation: ‘Johnny Unitas is an unapproachable son of a bitch’.”

Solo Run from the Cure®

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LonelinessOfTheLondDistanceRunnerThe Sally F. Solo Race from the Cure® is the smallest 5K run/fitness walk in the world. It raises negligible funds and barely any awareness for the fight against the belief that introversion is a condition that can or should be cured. The race celebrates introvert survivorship and honors those who have lost their battle with idiots who won’t leave them alone.

Since its inception last week, the Sally F. Solo Run from the Cure has grown from one local race with one participant to a global series of more than 3 races, each with one participant. Our motto: Don’t Crowd Us!

The Sally F. Solo Race from the Cure is designed to promote awareness of people who think introversion is a curable illness. It also promotes avoiding them.

The Sally F. Solo Race from the Cure is a great way for people to help fight for a good cause without actually having to come into contact with other people helping fight for a good cause.

How can you help?

  • Donate – Send yourself a generous amount of money. Then ask your accountant how you can deduct it.
  • Volunteer – We promise: If we get together for any reason, there will be NO group hugs, high fives or team building exercises.
  • Form a team – Just kidding

Individually, we can make a difference!

It’s a Wonderful Strife

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happy-guyTodd Gellman

Being an introvert used to depress me. Then I read an Internet article that changed my life: “Twenty Thousand Fabulous Things about Introverts” by Naomi Lobotoberg. I learned that my life isn’t horrible and depressing; it’s great!

I discovered I’m not a lonely guy longing to connect with the rest of the world. I’m a solitary individual who feels more comfortable spending weekends alone, wondering what it’s like to have a girlfriend.

I used to hate going to parties at which I didn’t know anyone. I’d struggle with small talk and counted the seconds before I could make my escape. Naomi has taught me to celebrate my ability to barely get through the evening without wetting my pants.

Spending much time in my head used to depress me. No more! Yesterday, I thought, “I feel good about myself” 500,000 times!

I’ve learned how to be a pretend extrovert. With only a small amount of anxiety, I can interrupt co-workers again and again until I’m asked to leave the meeting.

People used to think I was aloof. I felt hurt and alienated. Now I don’t pay attention to those fools and I feel pumped!

Before, I couldn’t respond quickly to people’s questions. I’ve learned to relax and say, “Give me 10 minutes and I’ll tell you the Emergency Room phone number.”

I could provide countless other examples of how Naomi Lobotoberg’s insight has changed my life. If you want to celebrate your introversion, craw into a fetal position and read “Twenty Thousand Fabulous Things about Introverts.” As Naomi says, “Things couldn’t get worse.”

Todd Gellman is a senior data analyst. His desk has been featured in “Better Cubicles and Conference Rooms “magazine.

Introvert Singles – Featured Profile – Alone Malone

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alone_on_dockMy heart has visiting hours for you

I am looking for: A woman who will share my hopes, my dreams, my time zone.

Occupation: Online chiropractor

Education: Bachelor in arts, Hampshire College, majored in Science Fiction, minored in 23rd Century Literature

Proudest accomplishment: In a previous life I conceived the idea for the marshmallow while watching Joan of Arc burn at the stake.

Last great book I read: “Eat Pray Love from the Privacy of Your Home”

Music that puts me in the mood: The Velvet Underground Sings the Cole Porter Songbook, Vol. 2

Favorite movie: “All Quiet on the Western Front” It makes me long for the serenity of World War I.

My perfect getaway weekend: Flying to Zurich on my private jet, making passionate love at the airport, then flying back.

The five items I can’t live without: George Foreman Isolation tank, Daily 16-hour meditation, iPad, mePad, mylfPad.

Turn ons: Lusty Esperanto accent, Slender hand waving goodbye, Playful inner voices.

Turn offs: Talking about the weather (hot looking weatherwomen excluded), Being told I look like a James Bond villain, Inner voices that don’t respect my space.

More About Me: I’m just an average guy who lives alone on my private island somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere. I value my solitude, having last encountered another human in 1992. That doesn’t mean there isn’t room in my heart for a special woman — if you don’t mind living in my guest compound. I won’t lie; I’ve been called eccentric. But who are you going to trust, me or 30 eminently qualified psychiatrists and a government profiler?

What I’m looking for: I’d love to meet that special woman who knows the difference between being treasured and being held captive against her will. If you’ve dreamed about spending the rest of your life with a terrific guy via close circuit TV, dream no further. I can have a driver at your door within 30 seconds.

You Say Potato, I Say Enough Already

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arts_theater_092712_photo-by-Rob-Harris-ProductionsRelationships are never easy – even when both people have much in common. Ask any Siamese twin.

Relationships between introverts and extroverts pose unique challenges. But it can be rewarding if both people want to make it work.

Just ask Susanne, an introvert and Jeremy, an extrovert:

Jeremy: Growing up, my family frowned upon introverts. My father used to say, “I have no respect for a man who won’t bring attention to himself in large gatherings of strangers.”

Susanne: My family felt the same way about extroverts. My uncle was shunned after he asked a stranger for directions.

Jeremy: Susanne and I met at a party. I was high-fiving 15 or 20 friends after telling a joke. I saw her across the room. She was sitting alone reading the instructional manual for the host’s DVD player.

Susanne: I was halfway through the troubleshooting section when I sensed someone was watching me. I looked up and it was Jeremy.

Jeremy: We talked for a while. At that point, I didn’t realize she was an introvert. I thought she worked for the cable company.

Susanne: He asked me out. I thought it would be a quiet evening for two but we met a large group of his friends at a sports bar. I almost made it through the night but collapsed from conversation exhaustion.

Jeremy: I realized Susanne was an introvert as I watched the EMTs loading her into the ambulance. After giving her a few months to recuperate, I asked her out again. This time I suggested we meet in an empty parking lot where I knew we’d be alone.

Susanne: I was so touched when Jeremy invited me to my favorite empty parking lot. The night was magical! We’ve since bonded. I am now, with proper medication, able to spend short periods of time with him and his throngs of acquaintances.

Jeremy: I’ve learned to sit with Susanne in silence for hours. Hint: When dating an introvert, never go ANYWHERE without a smartphone and three days of podcasts.

Susanne: It’s corny but true; when you meet the right person, love – and separate apartments – will keep you together.

Greatest Quotes by Famous Film Introverts

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movies(4)

Rick Blaine (Casablanca) – Here’s not looking at you, kid.

Travis Bickle (Taxi Driver) – You talkin’ to me? If so you’re boring the hell out of me.

Terry Malloy (On the Waterfront) I coulda been a contender. But I’m horrible in job interviews.

Scarlett O’Hara (Gone with the Wind) As God is my witness, I will never have three roommates again.

Cole Sear (The Sixth Sense) I see dead people and they’re asking me about the weather.

Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry) – Go ahead, make my day. Tell me the chief’s retirement party isn’t mandatory.

George M. Cohan (Yankee Doodle Dandy) My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you. Oy, I need to decompress.

Lou Gehrig (The Pride of the Yankees) I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I’d be luckier if I could deliver this speech from my apartment.

Dorothy (The Wizard of Oz) There’s no place like home alone with a good book.

Jennifer Cavilleri Barrett (Love Story) Love means never having to say, “Please, I need my own space.”

Schmooze it or Lose It

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schmoozeAsking an introvert to master the fine art of schmoozing is like asking an extrovert to gather his thoughts; it ain’t gonna happen.

Like it or not, it’s a schmoozer’s world. Do you think Attila could have attained the title “the Hun” without mastering a vicious handshake and fatal eye contact?

Schmoozing is a required skill for most jobs. Even a shepherd has to press the wool now and then. Fear not. You don’t have to be a super schmoozer to get a choice cubicle. Just pretend to schmooze. It’s easy. Follow these simple steps.

  • Appear to be a good listener. Nod your head every few seconds. If you become sleepy, count the speaker’s nose hairs. If that doesn’t work think about whether they’ve had a nose job.
  • Pretend to be open and genuine. Does that sound phony and shallow? Begin a job interview with, “How the hell did you ever get to be CEO?” and see where that gets you. Noting “It’s amazing what you’ve managed to accomplish” isn’t that different.
  • Firm handshakes are deadly for introverts. People expect you to follow up with eye contact and small talk. Take a different approach. Squeeze the hand until you feel a bone break. Your schmoozee will either a) Be impressed with your powerful handshake and offer you a promotion; b) Pretend he/she is not injured and ask you to call an ambulance “for a friend,” thus shortening the interaction; c) Acknowledge you’ve broken a bone in his/her hand which, at the very least, changes the conversation to something more interesting than Excel spreadsheets.
  • Carry someone else’s business cards with you at all times. If the encounter goes poorly it will reflect on someone else.
  • Master the art of pretend conversation. Always agree with the other person no matter what they say. Respond with “I hear you,” “You don’t have to tell me,” or “You’re the boss.” Pretend conversation also frees up time for more important things like conversations with yourself.
  • Names are hard to remember when your inner thoughts are racing at warp speed. Be prepared for when you forget a person’s name. For example, if you can’t remember the name of a marketing VP with bad breath, fall to your knees, cough, and mutter something about being allergic to garlic and onions.