Category: Inspiration

Embracing Your Indecisiveness – Or Not

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Has your life been frozen in indecision? Mine too, I think.

Can’t decide whether to continue reading this? I agonized over whether to continue writing it.

If you are always unsure of everything, here is one thing of which you can be certain: You are not alone. Of that, I’m fifty percent certain.

Look around. Chances are the first person you see is wondering whether to upgrade their phone plan.

If you’re in line at McDonald’s, I bet the guy in front of you is thinking, “Should I order a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?” Eventually, he’ll give up and think, “The hell with it; I’ll order a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.”

In a world full of people who can’t make up their minds, you are just a face in the vacillating crowd.

I’m just like you. On Career Day in high school, I had no idea what I wanted to be after graduation. I lied and said I wanted to be a butler for an aging matriarch.

Here’s the only certainty: You will never be certain. Embrace your indecisiveness.

If you are a Revolutionary War reenactor, stand with pride when yelling, “Fire or don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”

When applying for a job, tell your interviewer without hesitation, “I may or may not be the right person for this position.”

When proposing marriage, tell that special gal or guy, “I’ve always wondered if you were the one for me.”

Just do it – or not. You’ve got nowhere to go but up, down, or remain in the same place.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Dating Above Your Weight

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Jon Brower Minnoch was the heaviest recorded human in history, weighing approximately 1,400 pounds. He was married twice, which made me wonder: what was his dating life like?

Dear Jon,

I had a lovely time last night. Thank you for dinner. You were a perfect gentleman. I can’t help wondering, however, why you neglected to tell me you are larger than a mid-size sedan and haven’t left your room since the Roosevelt Administration. Had I known, I can’t say with certainty I would have turned down your invitation, but I might have prepared for the shock of meeting a gigantic mountain of rolling flesh by having one or 30 drinks.

I did enjoy our dinner conversation although, truth be told, it’s hard to stay focused while your companion is wolfing down 35 pizzas. (By the way, I was too stunned to mention there was a piece of pepperoni stuck to the north side of your face.)

Jon, you’re a great guy. I don’t know many fellows who are bigger than seven men, yet feel comfortable wearing Banlon shirts with horizontal stripes.

Unfortunately, I’m looking for someone with whom I can share my life—preferably in one time zone. I wish you the best of luck. And don’t give up on your dreams. There’s a girl out there for you, if you haven’t already crushed her.

Sincerely

Cynthia

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Imagine an Imaginary Friends Appreciation Day

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They’ve always been there for you. Isn’t it time you thanked them?

Admit it, you’re not the easiest person to be with. Have any of your imaginary friends ever complained? Told you to grow up? Abandoned you? Never.

Perhaps it’s time to show them your appreciation. You know they’d love to hear from you and would love to tell you how thoughtful you are.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have one day each year to acknowledge all the imaginary people who have played an important part of your life?

After all, your imaginary friend is:

  • The one who has always protected you from the boogeyman.
  • Your one true friend when everyone else ignored you simply because you were hiding in your closet.
  • The boy/girl/man/woman who would go on a date with you when you were afraid to ask a real person, or a real person was afraid to ask you.
  • The only person who would present you with an Olympic medal, Nobel award or Miss America crown.

So take a moment. Put on your sharpest suit or most beautiful gown. Or remove your clothes if you and your imaginary friend are nudists. Then imagine you’re sitting across from each other in an expensive restaurant. Look him, her, they, them, or it in the eye, and say: “Thank you for being in my life and for doing all I imagine you do.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

You Can Have It All

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Who says you can’t have it all? I disagree. You can have it all – as long as having it all means:

  • Having all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting.
  • Having debilitating side effects from consuming all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting.
  • Having a different beautiful woman each night, in all probability one gorgeous gal with multiple personalities.
  • Having countless beautiful homes in which to squat.
  • Having the love and adoration of your children who are unaware you’ve squandered their trust fund on lottery tickets.
  • Having the man of your life/pool cleaner who also has a valid green card.
  • Having the freedom to define success on your terms and not the parole board’s.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Never Accept Defeet

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Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for submitting your most recent invention. Very impressive. However, we do not anticipate a growing market for self-tapping shoes at this time.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
A pair of two left loafers for awkward people with two left feet is an intriguing idea, but we are going to pass on it.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Though stylish as they may be, the U.S. Army Procurement Department is not quite sold on your design for open toed combat boots.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
In regards to your beeping saddle shoes for walking backwards. We wish you every personal success with that.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
Thank you for allowing Ace Inventions to consider your idea for formalwear moccasins. At this time, however, we respectfully decline your offer.

Dear Dr. Scholl,
We like your idea for liverwurst arch supports. A little more tweaking and you may have something! Stay in touch.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Regrets, Don’t Have a Few

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relaxed-monkeyDo you feel being an introvert has caused you to miss good opportunities in life?

Really? Think about the bad ones you’ve avoided.

You weren’t popular in high school. But you didn’t marry Bunny the head cheerleader who now weighs 250 pounds and travels the child beauty pageant circuit with her Honey Boo Boo-ish daughter.

Your aversion to eye contact may have cost you the CEO job at your hedge fund company. It may have also saved you from an SEC indictment.

With a few more connections you might’ve found a famous film director to read your screenplay. At least you didn’t have to deal with rejection when Arnold Schwarzenegger passed on “Conan the Technical Writer.”

If you were more sociable you’d be less lonely. But you never would’ve bonded with the voice in your head.

You’ve always struggled with job interviews. In the long run, however, it forced you to pursue your real dream: freelance dulcimer player.

It’s been hard to meet men because they think you’re aloof and unapproachable. Luckily, it’s made things easier at your Sexaholics Anonymous meetings.

There’s never been a hiring demand for day dreamers. Just as well. The time sheets and weekly status meetings would’ve ruined the fun.

You may think a lifetime of sitting in the back of the room has gotten you nowhere. But it’s allowed you to flourish as an under-the-breath wise cracker extraordinaire.

Your quietness makes people feel uncomfortable. It still comes in handy on rare occasions when people misinterpret your silence for wisdom.

So maybe your life would be different if you were more sociable. But better? What could be better than sitting alone contemplating if it could be better?

One Night Only! The New GroupThinkers

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group_thinkers_02“
If you’re an introvert, you should definitely miss this.” – Carl, an introvert

The New GroupThinkers have been entertaining the world for generations with their message of love, harmony, and conformity. Spend an evening watching them brainstorm, run it up the flagpole, and suppress their individual thoughts.

“Their loyalty to the group at the expense of rational decision-making is inspiring!” – Peggy Noonan

If you enjoy sitting in an open office area without privacy, you’ll love the New GroupThinkers.

“They made me understand why group cohesiveness is more important than individual expression. And I didn’t have join a cult, I think” – Christine, newest member, New GroupThinkers

Leave your thoughts, wishes, and desires behind. Let the New GroupThinkers rock you with their greatest hits:

  • Jimmy, Joey, Johnny, Jenny, Janey Crack Corn
  • Scarborough Job Fair
  • This Land Is Our Land, This Land is Our Land
  • Don’t Think Twice, We’ll Think for You
  • If We Had a Hammer
  • Where Has All Our Artificial Sweetener Gone
  • Go Tell Us on the Mountain
  • Leaving on a Jet Plane for a Team Building Weekend
  • Both Sides Now – One Side Tomorrow
  • We Shall Overcome Until We Reach a Consensus

Join the The New GroupThinkers for an evening of acquiescence and compromise. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry if that’s what everyone agrees to do.

“After an all-night discussion, my family now thinks it was the best time we’ve ever had.” Linda, Stepford, Connecticut

Introvert’s Best Friend

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Shorty_01
All types of people love dogs. Do introverts have a particular relationship with our furry four-legged friends? Perhaps. Here’s why:

People Dogs
A stranger will corner you at a party with an interminable story about his family’s trip to Disneyworld. A dog will never bore you about the fantastic butt he just sniffed.
It’s hard to concentrate while your workmates high five the daily doughnut arrival. It’s easy to have a three-way conversation with yourself while your dog sleeps peacefully at your feet.
Constantly being asked, “Why are you so quiet?” wears you down. Feed your dog plenty of treats and he’ll gladly leave you to your thoughts.
You always feel alone in a crowd, particularly if you’ve been dragged to an “Up with People Legends in Caucasian Rap” concert. You’ll never feel closer to your dog than while watching him pee on your nosey neighbor’s prized carnations.
It bothers people that you’re easily distracted. Squirrel!
Extroverts don’t understand how introverts can lay around doing nothing, as if spending a weekend watching a spider spin a web is doing nothing. No one understands the value of doing nothing more than an animal that sleeps 18 hours a day.

Profiles in Introversion: Johnny Appleseed

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johnny_appleseedJohnny Appleseed (born John Chapman September 26, 1774 – March 11, 1845) was an American pioneer who introduced the country to apple trees and the introvert lifestyle.

Although legend paints a picture of Johnny wandering the countryside planting apple trees, he did much more. He introduced early America to a brooding behavior that would change and aggravate the nation forever.

Beginning in 1792, Johnny headed west to plant apple trees and be alone. Today, Native Americans from the Iroquois tribe in New York tell the story of a man they call Scatchwhoa (translation: Man who dislikes small talk).

After growing bored with the Iroquois, Johnny moved to Pennsylvania. He continued traveling into the Ohio Valley country and Indiana. Each year he planted apple seeds for settlers who would’ve been more grateful had he not come across as aloof and conceited.

Johnny always carried a leather bag filled with apple seeds, making him the first American to sport a man purse. He planted apple seeds wherever he went and was soon known as the “apple seed man” — a name he didn’t mind it since it was preferable to “metrosexual apple seed man.”

Johnny enjoyed living in the woods by himself, although he often became exhausted communing with nature – particularly when chipmunks would not stop talking.

Johnny never married. He did have a long, intense relationship with a woman known as Patricia Peach Pit. In the end, it was not meant to be. “We tried to make the relationship work,” Johnny wrote to his brother. “But we’re apples and peaches. And she’s not interested in being just a cross-pollination buddy.”

Johnny died peacefully on March 18, 1845, having made the fledgling country apple-friendly and more open to eccentric guys living by themselves in the woods.

Passion des Introvertis

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couple-bedHe:  I love that you respect my space. Let’s meet in the living room on Thursday.

She:  It’s wonderful we don’t clutter our lives with meaningless small talk. I just wish there was a way I could tell you we’re out of toilet paper.

He:  Did I tell you how much I cherish you, that my life began when we first met, and my existence is meaningless without you? Or was I talking to myself?

She:  I treasure that I don’t have to explain my peaceful silent nature to you, and why it’s so exhausting for me to say, “I treasure that I don’t have to explain my peaceful silent nature to you.”

He:  You’re the first person who’s never asked me, “What are you thinking?” Even when I was having a seizure.

She:  I will never ask why I’ve never met your family. Your pod story is good enough for me.

He:  It’s wonderful we never have house guests. It means more onion dip for us.

She:  I feel closest to you when you respect my need to be alone, especially when I’m wearing headphones during sex.

He:  My darling, I want you to know how much I love you, but this conversation is exhausting. I need to take a quiet three-hour walk to decompress.

She:  My dearest love, I don’t think I can speak another word, either. I’ll text you next week from my sensory deprivation tank.