Category: Other

Always Joe Biden’s Fault

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According to a New York Times article, “President Trump has mentioned President Biden 316 times in fifty days, mostly to blame him for things.”

A closer look, however, shows that Trump isn’t the first president to blame Joseph Biden for all of his mistakes.

  • George Washington – “I cannot tell a lie. It was Joe Biden who chopped down the cherry tree.”
  • William Henry Harrison – “But I contend that the strongest of all governments is that which is most free of Joe Biden.”
  • Zachary Taylor – “It would be judicious to act with magnanimity towards a prostrate foe – or a prostrate Joe.”
  • Abraham Lincoln – “You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time – except Joe Biden.”
  • Grover Cleveland – “Above all, tell the truth – and I’m talking to you, Joe Biden.”
  • Theodore Roosevelt – “Speak softly, but not as softly as Joe Biden.”
  • Calvin Coolidge – “The business of America is none of Joe Biden’s business.”
  • Franklin Delano Roosevelt – “The only thing we have to fear is Joe Biden himself.”
  • Richard Nixon – “I am not a crook. Joe Biden? I’m not so sure.”
  • William Jefferson Clinton – “I did not have sex with that Joe Biden”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Embracing Your Indecisiveness – Or Not

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Has your life been frozen in indecision? Mine too, I think.

Can’t decide whether to continue reading this? I agonized over whether to continue writing it.

If you are always unsure of everything, here is one thing of which you can be certain: You are not alone. Of that, I’m fifty percent certain.

Look around. Chances are the first person you see is wondering whether to upgrade their phone plan.

If you’re in line at McDonald’s, I bet the guy in front of you is thinking, “Should I order a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?” Eventually, he’ll give up and think, “The hell with it; I’ll order a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.”

In a world full of people who can’t make up their minds, you are just a face in the vacillating crowd.

I’m just like you. On Career Day in high school, I had no idea what I wanted to be after graduation. I lied and said I wanted to be a butler for an aging matriarch.

Here’s the only certainty: You will never be certain. Embrace your indecisiveness.

If you are a Revolutionary War reenactor, stand with pride when yelling, “Fire or don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”

When applying for a job, tell your interviewer without hesitation, “I may or may not be the right person for this position.”

When proposing marriage, tell that special gal or guy, “I’ve always wondered if you were the one for me.”

Just do it – or not. You’ve got nowhere to go but up, down, or remain in the same place.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Because You’re That Desperate to Meet a Girl

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According to “3 Pickup Lines That Actually Work, According To A Professional Dating Coach,” Blaine Anderson, a professional dating coach reveals, well, 3 pickup lines that actually work.

The 3 lines are:

  • “Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you have a stunning smile and I couldn’t leave without coming over to introduce myself.”
  • “You’re way too cute to be waiting alone. Can I buy you a drink?”
  • “You look so familiar. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Hailey Bieber? She’s my celeb crush so I had to come over and say hello.”

However, if these lines don’t work, check out Blaine Anderson’s follow-up articles:

  • “Maintaining Your Dignity After a Woman Throws a Pina Colada in Your Face.”
  • “3 Lines to Use When Another Woman Says, “You’re Soaked! Did a Woman Throw a Pina Colada in Your Face?’”
  • “Making Sure You Never Say Aloud, ‘I Am Such a Loser.’”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

2024 Notable Births

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Every year, we recall famous people who have passed during the previous 12 months. But what about those born in 2024 who will go on to be famous and infamous? Here are just a few.

  • In 3024, Carl Hankman will be the first 100-year-old influencer to gain more than one trillion followers – most of them from other solar systems.
  • In 2058, Feminist Judy Anyday will become the first woman to marry a transgender robot named Laverne – only to have the marriage annulled after Laverne confesses it’s still married to a solar-powered toilet plunger.
  • In 2072, Debra Hanson will seal her role as a fashion icon when she invents the reversable thong.
  • In 2063, Neil Caron will star in Netflix’ ground-breaking 59-part documentary about a man who spends his entire life watching bread turn stale.
  • In 2031, Delores Rotenberg will become the world’s longest serving flight attendant at 106-years old – and break another record the next year by becoming the world’s longest serving flight attendant to go on maternity leave.
  • In 2052, Mets first baseman Charlie Campbell will lead his team to the World Series, then later admit an implanted android was telling him which pitches to swing at.
  • In 3012, Vincent Diorio will become the first openly heterosexual man to write a how-to sex guide for lesbians.
  • In 2058, Erin Rapoza will clone herself. She and her twin Louisa will spend the rest of their lives hopelessly trying to resolve petty issues in couples therapy.
  • In 3063, New York Times reporter Leon Yang will win his third Pulitzer Prize for his ground-breaking investigative series: “Barron Trump’s Lifelong Quest to Change His Name, Sex and Planet of Origin.”
  • In 2038, famed dermatologist Sheila Mandel will discover that Botox also makes a great dessert topping.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Peddle Faster

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He finished each workout at Planet Fitness—great name for a gym; most people would have gone with Planet Fatness—with his usual twenty minutes on the elliptical machine.

Each time, he stepped off the machine at precisely 20:01.

Each time, he walked back to wipe down the machine.

Each time, as he approached the machine, he noticed a digital message urging him to “Peddle Faster.”

And each time, he thought, “It’s never enough for you.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and others. He is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Do Opposites Attack?

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How bad is my dating life? According to the book “Dating for Dummies,” I should quit and read “Living Alone in a Cave for Dummies.”

Rather than throw in the towel, however, I decided to give dating one last try. But this time, I went in the opposite direction.

I created a new online dating profile that, among other things, stated I loved short walks on the beach and flashlight-lit dinners, I was a closed book, and family wasn’t important to me. Also, I was adamant about good personal hygiene being overrated.

How did it go?

Eight women, all named Karen, answered my ad. After meeting all of them, seven contacted the dating service and demanded to speak to the manager.

On the plus side, one of the Karens didn’t ask to speak to the manager until our third date after accusing me of flirting with a cute panhandler.

All in all, this was the most positive dating experience I’ve had so far. In fact, I’m now thinking about adding “my parole officer will vouch for me” to my profile.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Dating Above Your Weight

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Jon Brower Minnoch was the heaviest recorded human in history, weighing approximately 1,400 pounds. He was married twice, which made me wonder: what was his dating life like?

Dear Jon,

I had a lovely time last night. Thank you for dinner. You were a perfect gentleman. I can’t help wondering, however, why you neglected to tell me you are larger than a mid-size sedan and haven’t left your room since the Roosevelt Administration. Had I known, I can’t say with certainty I would have turned down your invitation, but I might have prepared for the shock of meeting a gigantic mountain of rolling flesh by having one or 30 drinks.

I did enjoy our dinner conversation although, truth be told, it’s hard to stay focused while your companion is wolfing down 35 pizzas. (By the way, I was too stunned to mention there was a piece of pepperoni stuck to the north side of your face.)

Jon, you’re a great guy. I don’t know many fellows who are bigger than seven men, yet feel comfortable wearing Banlon shirts with horizontal stripes.

Unfortunately, I’m looking for someone with whom I can share my life—preferably in one time zone. I wish you the best of luck. And don’t give up on your dreams. There’s a girl out there for you, if you haven’t already crushed her.

Sincerely

Cynthia

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

The Good, the Bad and the Friendly

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Ever heard this: “We used to be best friends. Now we’re enemies.”

How does that happen?

I’m sure no one ever said, “After my close personal friend Adolph Hitler wrote “Mein Kampf,” I told him, “That’s it, we’re not fishing chums any longer.”

It seems like half the litigants on TV court shows describe themselves as “former friends” –- former friends who now want to kick their new ex-bestie in the groin, accuse them of grand theft auto and block them on Facebook.

How do you get from “There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for each other” to “He slept with five of my girlfriends and sodomized my pet gerbil”? Why do some former friends have trouble picking up on subtle vibes?

I’d venture to say none of my friends would commit war crimes or hijack my Netflix account. How do I know? Well, it helps to be, at the very least, an average judge of character.

So why do friendships go from good to former? I don’t have an answer—at least an answer that doesn’t make me sound smug and self-righteous. I can only recommend that if, after an evening of heavy drinking, your good friend is still upset because you hit on his girlfriend, said sweet nothings into her nose ring, then stumbled to your car and keyed it from head to taillight, it might be time to graciously say, “I think it’s time we start seeing other friends.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

A Very Funny Book

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What if throughout history there had been late-night talk show hosts performing nightly monologues? “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages” by Ben Alper answers that question and more!

BTW: True story: This book caused Spartacus to do a spit-take.

Today’s Questions Answered by Yesterday’s People

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Herman Melville – “The hardest thing about dating is finding an attractive woman who likes to talk about whaling.”

Attila the Hun – “In my free time I like invading and tap dancing.”

Jack the Ripper – “The most interesting thing about me is how I got my nickname.”

Napoleon Bonaparte – “My biggest weakness is focusing too much on my career, but those countries aren’t going to be conquered by themselves.”

Muhammad – “I try not to focus on one thing. That’s why I’m a spiritual and a political leader.”

Oedipus – “I get along fine with my mother, but I won’t lie, it can be complicated.”

Vincent van Gogh – “What was your question? I’m kind of hard of hearing.”

Alexander Graham Bell – “The most annoying thing for me is when I’m cut off while trying to send a telegraph.”

Amelia Earhart – “No, we don’t need to ask for directions.”

Charles Dickens – “She was a great kisser. She was a sloppy kisser.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”