Tag: humor

One Night Only! The New GroupThinkers

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group_thinkers_02“
If you’re an introvert, you should definitely miss this.” – Carl, an introvert

The New GroupThinkers have been entertaining the world for generations with their message of love, harmony, and conformity. Spend an evening watching them brainstorm, run it up the flagpole, and suppress their individual thoughts.

“Their loyalty to the group at the expense of rational decision-making is inspiring!” – Peggy Noonan

If you enjoy sitting in an open office area without privacy, you’ll love the New GroupThinkers.

“They made me understand why group cohesiveness is more important than individual expression. And I didn’t have join a cult, I think” – Christine, newest member, New GroupThinkers

Leave your thoughts, wishes, and desires behind. Let the New GroupThinkers rock you with their greatest hits:

  • Jimmy, Joey, Johnny, Jenny, Janey Crack Corn
  • Scarborough Job Fair
  • This Land Is Our Land, This Land is Our Land
  • Don’t Think Twice, We’ll Think for You
  • If We Had a Hammer
  • Where Has All Our Artificial Sweetener Gone
  • Go Tell Us on the Mountain
  • Leaving on a Jet Plane for a Team Building Weekend
  • Both Sides Now – One Side Tomorrow
  • We Shall Overcome Until We Reach a Consensus

Join the The New GroupThinkers for an evening of acquiescence and compromise. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry if that’s what everyone agrees to do.

“After an all-night discussion, my family now thinks it was the best time we’ve ever had.” Linda, Stepford, Connecticut

Finally, Protection from Seamless Conversations!

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no_yak_can_02
Do you enjoy talking to more than one person at a time – but can never get a word in edgewise?

Do you wish people would stop talking for JUST 2 FREAKIN’ SECONDS so you can be heard?

ZIP IT – Extra Strength for Introverts® silences non-stop talking. Simply spray ZIP IT at the offending yakker. Then say what’s on your mind.

ZIP IT stops:

  • People who love the sound of their voice
  • Committee chairpersons who aren’t interested in what others have to say
  • Amateur orators who can never get to the point
  • Know-it-alls who could care less about your opinion
  • Repeat offenders who say the same thing over and over and over
  • Deep breathers who can speak for hours without coming up for air
  • Persons petrified of pregnant pauses

ZIP comes in two strengths: Clam Up and Put a Cork in It for family get-togethers.

Explaining Introversion to your Parents

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concerned_parents_02
Being a kid is tough. Being a kid whose parents are clueless about your introversion is super tough.

You need to tell your mom and dad how you feel about being an introvert. The following lines might help them understand.

  • I’d love to hear more about the birds and bees but you’re exhausting me.
  • I never feel more alive than when I’m relaxing underneath my bed.
  • I’m not shy. Would a shy kid belong to a goth barbershop quartet?
  • I’m fairly certain puberty makes you averse to eye contact.
  • I have nothing against Grandma. I just can’t deal with her “you’re so cute” small talk.
  • Can I have 50 dollars for Meditation Camp?
  • Disneyworld is OK. I just wish it had an It’s a Solitary World After All ride.
  • There may not be an “I” in Team, but thankfully there’s one in “I”nterruptive Dance.
  • Please! I need my privacy! I’m trying to talk to myself!
  • I’m not sulking. I’m resting my face.

Question of the Week: How Did You Meet Your Inner Voice?

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Talk-to-Yourself

Patty: We met at a high school dance. Everyone ignored me. I felt lonely and depressed until I heard myself say, “Patty, the heck with them, let’s go home and read Anne of Green Gables.  We’ve been inseparable ever since.

Leo: I was lying in a large maternity ward wondering why I felt alone in the crowd. Out of nowhere a voice in my head began to speak: “Stop crying you babies, I’m trying to sleep; this kid next to me looks like he’s going to have a weight problem; where are my parents?”

Bob: In kindergarten, Donna Wheelwright told everyone I wet my blanket during nap time. I screamed to myself, “That’s not true, you made that up” continually for the next 22 years. It’s nice to know I can talk to me about anything.

Jesus Christ: I was going through some tough times and asked myself, “What would Jesus do?” The rest, as they say, is history.

Neil: Another voice in my head fixed us up. At first I thought I was full of myself and vain. Now I see it was my way of hiding my insecurities. I’ve really grown to love me.

Hillary: I was staring out the window during a Philosophy class at Wellesley College. The wind blew a wave of leaves across the Quad and I said to myself: “Marry a scoundrel and then eventually run for president.”

Candace: After grad school, I drove non-stop across the county in my old beat-up car to begin a job in San Diego. My new company refused to pay my moving expenses and I spent the entire trip cursing the head of H.R. This angry voice has become my closest friend in the business world.

 

Introvert’s Best Friend

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Shorty_01
All types of people love dogs. Do introverts have a particular relationship with our furry four-legged friends? Perhaps. Here’s why:

People Dogs
A stranger will corner you at a party with an interminable story about his family’s trip to Disneyworld. A dog will never bore you about the fantastic butt he just sniffed.
It’s hard to concentrate while your workmates high five the daily doughnut arrival. It’s easy to have a three-way conversation with yourself while your dog sleeps peacefully at your feet.
Constantly being asked, “Why are you so quiet?” wears you down. Feed your dog plenty of treats and he’ll gladly leave you to your thoughts.
You always feel alone in a crowd, particularly if you’ve been dragged to an “Up with People Legends in Caucasian Rap” concert. You’ll never feel closer to your dog than while watching him pee on your nosey neighbor’s prized carnations.
It bothers people that you’re easily distracted. Squirrel!
Extroverts don’t understand how introverts can lay around doing nothing, as if spending a weekend watching a spider spin a web is doing nothing. No one understands the value of doing nothing more than an animal that sleeps 18 hours a day.

Nice party, Now I’m Ready to Leave

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boring-dinnerAll introverts have been there. You go to a party. After a short time, you’ve had enough socialization and agonizing small talk. You’re ready to leave, but your extrovert friend and ride for the evening is having the time of her life. Here are some lines guaranteed to get her out the door pronto.

  • Your friend’s grandfather wants to know if you’re up for a game of Spin the Bottle.
  • I bet your boss would be interested in my multi-level marketing plan.
  • I think I’ll check out the host’s medicine cabinet.
  • I know she’s a nun but I think she really wants me.
  • Here’s something you’ve never seen anybody do with a stuffed shrimp.
  • I’m going to punch the next person who asks what I do for a living.
  • Tonight’s the night I finally open up about my painful rectal itch.
  • I’ve narrowed the guests down to three potential sperm donors.
  • I think I’m going to lie down under that pile of coats.
  • This party could use some serious yodeling.

He’s Just Not That Into all of You

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12-angry-menWe invited the new guy at work to Karaoke Night. He did a spot-on version of “Alone Again Naturally.” We asked him to join us in “Macho Man” but he politely declined and went home to feed his cat. We’ve also asked him to Kazakhstan Folk Dancing Night and Greco Roman Jell-O Wrestling Night. Each time he said no. He’s a nice guy and we want him to be part of our gang. Does he hate us?

He’s just not that into all of you. He’s an introvert. If you want to spend more time with him suggest something he might enjoy; for example, contemplating climate change.

We had a wonderful orgy last week. Everything was perfect, from the buffet to the complimentary Moist Towelettes. However, there was one woman who just sat by herself and didn’t want to join us (literally). We suspect she’s seeing other orgies. Why doesn’t she want to join our evening of debauchery?

She’s just not that into all of you. She’s an introvert. Quiet threesomes are probably more her thing.

For 17 years I’ve had a long-distance relationship with a Tibetan monk. For the past eight years he’s promised to join me on the road with my three sisters. We’re professional groupies for a Spinal Tap tribute band. But he always cancels with some lame excuse like “I’ve never traveled outside my village” or “The loudest noise I can tolerate is the sound of a rain drop touching a leaf.” Why won’t he meet me and my sisters? Could he be gay?

He’s just not that into all of you. He’s an introvert. Tibetan monk life-of-the-parties are uncommon. Try a lapsed evangelical Christian.

We had a new volunteer at our food bank. Everyone loved her. She was friendly and really knew her expiration dates. After a while, though, she became distant. She appeared lost in her thoughts, her high-fives lacked enthusiasm, and would only mouth the Tuna Can Sort Song. Eventually she stopped volunteering. We think she has non-profit organization commitment issues. How do we convince her she needs us?

She’s just not that into all of you. She’s an introvert. Have you considered letting her distribute pallets of bread from her apartment?

Do You Feel Like an Invisible Introvert?

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invisible_introvertIntroverts can feel invisible in a chattering world of gabbers. You might not recognize the feeling at first but the signs are always there:

  • Whenever you ask a question in class your teacher responds, “Yes, the chair in the back.”
  • You’re retirement watch has been engraved “The Guy in Cubicle 35-B.”
  • The only one at the party aware of your presence is a floor lamp with whom you are dissecting Kafka.
  • During sex your partner screams her own name.
  • The voices in your head talk as if you’re not there.
  • In high school, you were voted Most Likely to Pass Through Airport Security Undetected.
  • The drunk you’ve been subtly flashing your cleavage at keeps asking a bowl of peanuts for its phone number.

Yes, feeling invisible can be depressing but admit it; it would certainly come in handy each year when your workmates corner you in the lunch room with a birthday cake.

Profiles in Introversion: Johnny Appleseed

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johnny_appleseedJohnny Appleseed (born John Chapman September 26, 1774 – March 11, 1845) was an American pioneer who introduced the country to apple trees and the introvert lifestyle.

Although legend paints a picture of Johnny wandering the countryside planting apple trees, he did much more. He introduced early America to a brooding behavior that would change and aggravate the nation forever.

Beginning in 1792, Johnny headed west to plant apple trees and be alone. Today, Native Americans from the Iroquois tribe in New York tell the story of a man they call Scatchwhoa (translation: Man who dislikes small talk).

After growing bored with the Iroquois, Johnny moved to Pennsylvania. He continued traveling into the Ohio Valley country and Indiana. Each year he planted apple seeds for settlers who would’ve been more grateful had he not come across as aloof and conceited.

Johnny always carried a leather bag filled with apple seeds, making him the first American to sport a man purse. He planted apple seeds wherever he went and was soon known as the “apple seed man” — a name he didn’t mind it since it was preferable to “metrosexual apple seed man.”

Johnny enjoyed living in the woods by himself, although he often became exhausted communing with nature – particularly when chipmunks would not stop talking.

Johnny never married. He did have a long, intense relationship with a woman known as Patricia Peach Pit. In the end, it was not meant to be. “We tried to make the relationship work,” Johnny wrote to his brother. “But we’re apples and peaches. And she’s not interested in being just a cross-pollination buddy.”

Johnny died peacefully on March 18, 1845, having made the fledgling country apple-friendly and more open to eccentric guys living by themselves in the woods.

Take Me to Your Quiet Leader

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introvert_leader_01Do you think being an introvert prevents you from being a successful leader? Think again.

Just because large groups of people aren’t your cup of tea doesn’t mean you can’t boss them around.

Over a lifetime, you’ve mastered countless valuble skills: avoiding people, ducking out of parties unnoticed, and pretending to listen when your mind is in another universe. If you can do all that, managing a multi-national corporation should be a piece of cake.

Follow these simple business management rules. In no time, employees with whom you never make eye contact will be kissing up to you.

  • Be yourself – unless you can impersonate other famous successful introverts like Bill Gates, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Abraham Lincoln.
  • Inspire others. Your employees may think you’re aloof and standoffish. They’ll forget quickly after you tell them you saw Jesus in a toner cartridge.
  • Project an air of quiet confidence – if possible without whistling nervously through your nose.
  • Delegate more. Just because the janitor is a whiz at cleaning toilets doesn’t mean he can’t negotiate a multimillion dollar contract with IBM.
  • Avoid people burnout. Interacting with countless folks all day is exhausting for introverts. If possible, hire a body double and teach him/her to continually say, “Let’s run it up the flag pole and see what happens.”