Tag: introverts

Do Opposites Attack?

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How bad is my dating life? According to the book “Dating for Dummies,” I should quit and read “Living Alone in a Cave for Dummies.”

Rather than throw in the towel, however, I decided to give dating one last try. But this time, I went in the opposite direction.

I created a new online dating profile that, among other things, stated I loved short walks on the beach and flashlight-lit dinners, I was a closed book, and family wasn’t important to me. Also, I was adamant about good personal hygiene being overrated.

How did it go?

Eight women, all named Karen, answered my ad. After meeting all of them, seven contacted the dating service and demanded to speak to the manager.

On the plus side, one of the Karens didn’t ask to speak to the manager until our third date after accusing me of flirting with a cute panhandler.

All in all, this was the most positive dating experience I’ve had so far. In fact, I’m now thinking about adding “my parole officer will vouch for me” to my profile.

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

To Live or Not to Live the Dream

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Living the dream.

It sounds wonderful. To do what you want, when you want, with no regrets.

I have always wanted to live the dream—until I discovered some of the most common dreams: falling, being chased, flying, losing teeth, being unprepared for an exam, death, being late, being naked in public, being lost, and infidelity. After reading these, I can’t stop dreaming about running naked in public while being ten minutes late for my funeral.

I thought I’d reached the point in my life where I could relax and take things one day at a time. Now, I regularly check for missing molars.

I used to dream about living on a tropical island with a bevy of beautiful island girls. Now, I dream about them spiking my coconut cocktail.

Is living the dream beyond my reach?. Perhaps I should aim lower. Maybe I should dream the possible. I dreamed I woke up this morning and had a bagel toasted almost to perfection. I like that. No one is going to rain on that parade. Or, I dreamed the construction work outside my apartment didn’t wake me from my nap. That’s doable.

I believe the lesson here is dream big, but not too big.  Live your dreams, as long as they are within your reach. Dream about a ménage à trois—as long as one of you is inflatable. Or dare I say, imagine you are watching your favorite TV show and no one tells you to change the channel.

So the lesson here is: living your dreams is possible. All you have to do is close your eyes, free your mind and think, “I must be pragmatic.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Cent of a Woman

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A movie changed my life. A movie I had never, and to this day, have never seen.

A friend told me, “I saw a great film, last night. You’ve just got to see it.”

“What is it called?”

“Cent of a Woman.”

At that moment, for the first time in my life, there was clarity.

I didn’t need to buy a ticket and watch it in a theatre. Because I knew. From that point on, my life’s goal was to find a woman who had a copper coin in her purse—and then somehow convince her to go out with me. Looks, brains, good breeding were not important.

And why?

From the time I was old enough to walk, I have longed for pretty girl to look deep into my eyes and whisper, “A penny for your thoughts?”—without then asking, “Do you have change for a nickel?”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Get An Inner Life Already!

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Dear Madison,

I recently met a girl online, and we agreed to meet at a local drinking establishment. It was a disaster from the start. She didn’t look anything like her profile picture, and she apparently didn’t read the part about me not being partial to Aryan Nation forehead tattoos. She droned on and on about people who drone on and on about people. She was rude to our server, and had to be restrained when she tried to send back her napkin. On top of everything else, her perfume smelled like Chanel No. No Way. Needless to say, I was counting the seconds until I could leave. Madison, why is it so hard to meet your ideal match, much less your somewhere-in-the-ballpark match?

Appalled in My Appetizer

Dear Appalled,

Why waste even a second attempting to stay engaged with your date from hell or even Hoboken when you can look inward and spend a lovely evening with the nicest and most fascinating person you know: yourself? Why listen to someone rant about how “all the good ones are married or have the wrong pronouns” when your mind could be drifting off to a tropical island or, at the very least, having a witty conversation with the alien you imagine slithering out of your date’s cleavage?

You will never meet anyone as sensitive to your needs, who understands you, who finds you more interesting than yourself. Take advantage of it. Enjoy your inner life. You deserve to be with a wonderful person like you. The next time your latest Tinder tootsie babbles on about, well, who knows what, figuratively close your eyes and whisper to yourself, “Let me tell you about my day.”

Madison O’Rourke chairs the Spiritual Development department at the Learning Annex in Fort Worth, Texas. She is also the host of the cable-access cooking show, “Mexican Cuisine the O’Rourke Way.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Undecided About The Undecided

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People who are undecided about presidential and other major elections drive me crazy. The difference between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris/Joe Biden/Hillary Clinton? It’s so obvious. Why can’t they see that?

Can they not find one miniscule difference that would allow them to choose one candidate over the other? How difficult can that be?

It makes me want to explode. And then I think…about the many times in my life when I couldn’t make a decision about things that are plainly obvious to most people.

Things like what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Should I make eye contact or bend down and pretend I’m tying my shoe?

Should I sing along with everybody even though I don’t like singing along with groups of people?

When I reach a fork in the road, should I flip a coin or say “eeny, meeny, miny, moe”?

Who am I to judge?

I’m sure many annoying folks ahead of me in fast food restaurants lines, who take forever deciding between a Whopper and a Whopper with cheese, know exactly whom they’ll be voting for in the next election.

So, should I empathize with voters who cannot decide whom to check off on their ballots?

Yikes! I can’t decide!

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages”

Imagine an Imaginary Friends Appreciation Day

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They’ve always been there for you. Isn’t it time you thanked them?

Admit it, you’re not the easiest person to be with. Have any of your imaginary friends ever complained? Told you to grow up? Abandoned you? Never.

Perhaps it’s time to show them your appreciation. You know they’d love to hear from you and would love to tell you how thoughtful you are.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have one day each year to acknowledge all the imaginary people who have played an important part of your life?

After all, your imaginary friend is:

  • The one who has always protected you from the boogeyman.
  • Your one true friend when everyone else ignored you simply because you were hiding in your closet.
  • The boy/girl/man/woman who would go on a date with you when you were afraid to ask a real person, or a real person was afraid to ask you.
  • The only person who would present you with an Olympic medal, Nobel award or Miss America crown.

So take a moment. Put on your sharpest suit or most beautiful gown. Or remove your clothes if you and your imaginary friend are nudists. Then imagine you’re sitting across from each other in an expensive restaurant. Look him, her, they, them, or it in the eye, and say: “Thank you for being in my life and for doing all I imagine you do.”

Comedy writer Ben Alper has written for Jay Leno, David Letterman and is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

Comments While Watching First Manned Hot Air Balloon Flight Over Paris

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Balloon shla-moon. That’s a big fat pigeon.

Why didn’t they just fill a horse with hot air?

Do you think it could carry me from the kitchen to the dining room?

Impressive but where do the servants ride?

That reminds me; I need to see a doctor about my giant swollen testicle.

If man were meant to fly, God would’ve given him a softer tush to land on.

What a letdown! I thought “untethered” meant naked from the waist up.

No, they’re waving at me.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and things. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

For Me, All Bitch Faces Are Arresting

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How can you tell if someone’s natural facial expression is a queasy grimace, commonly known as resting bitch face (RBF), or they are simply downright ornery?

As someone who’s often accused of looking like Jack the Ripper on his worst day – even while happily folding my laundry, I know what it’s like to be constantly asked, “Are you okay? Is everything alright?”

It’s precisely because of my sometime – okay, all the time – less-than-sunny facial expression that I give every angry, moping, sullen, surly face I encounter a free pass. Cutting a few ill-tempered characters some slack is a small price to pay for showing a little empathy for every RBF I meet.

I’ll absorb an icy glance from any might-be psychopath on the off chance they are actually a wonderful person who was voted Most Unapproachable in high school.

As someone who is regularly misjudged as a threat to society or, at the very least, a threat to my book club, who am I to judge folks who don’t say “Hi” while attempting to break into my car?

So your constant look of oncoming nausea regularly causes family and friends to dial 911. Big deal. It still beats trying to force a smile whenever a sales clerk says “Have a nice day.” (Note: According to many studies, so I’ve heard, more crimes are committed by smiling sales clerks than scowling proof readers.)

Will the world ever be more accepting of sullen facial expressions? Probably not. But here’s one thing you can count on: If your angry puss ever encounters my resting bitch face, it will be met with an accepting and non-judgmental frown.

Ben Alper writes for late night talk show hosts, comedians and others. He is the author of “Thank You for Not Talking: A Laughable Look at Introverts.”

One Small Talk for Extroverts, One Giant Pain in the Neck for Introverts

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interrogate_01
I’m only going to ask one more time: How have you been?

Introverts hate small talk. It feels phony, it forces you to make eye contact and it’s exhausting. If only there was a better way to find out how co-workers you barely know feel about the weather.

 

Unfortunately, there isn’t. Until Apple, Google or Amazon develop a device that talks to the people we want to ignore, the chore will be left to us.

The good news is introverts are smart and resourceful. Also, their rich inner lives make it easier to tune in and out as someone drones on about their granite countertops or which Hampton Inn has the best continental breakfast. (Any introvert knows it’s the one in Denville, NJ.) It’s amazing how far an occasional nod accompanied by “Really” or “That’s interesting” will get you. In the meantime, you can focus on more important things like “Did this woman get a nose job?”